


Life is About More Than Just Surviving

by K17L53



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: AU where Lexa makes it, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-05
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-05-24 20:12:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 44,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6165370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/K17L53/pseuds/K17L53
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lexa survives the bullet because in my world, she cannot die. It's a fix-it fic because jroth fucked up and I need the story to continue. So it's going to focus on the entire The-100 verse (Polis, Grounders, Arkadia, Skaikru, even CoL) but mostly on Clexa because I'm trash.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You're Okay, Lexa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so....i can't deal with the fact that lexa's dead. and i've been super upset since the episode. i was writing out this post on tumblr about all the clexa things we're not going to get to see. .....which made me really upset. but then i kinda had an idea and thought i'd roll with it.
> 
> basically, its going to be a series of oneshots. and each one shot is just going to be a cute clexa piece.
> 
> everything is the same, other than the fact that lexa's alive in my fic. so this is the first one in the series and i thought the best place to start would be by waking lexa up.

Lexa woke up with a jolt, her eyes snapping open as she sat up straight and looked around. A sharp pain shot through her body, almost making her fall back on to the bed. Panic surging through her veins, Lexa’s eyes darted around the room as she took a moment to place herself, realizing she was in Clarke’s room. Suddenly, a hand touched her back, causing her head to snap to the side. A sudden wave of calm washed over her as her eyes met Clarke’s calm blue ones and the panic began to slowly fade. But with the relief came a sense of confusion, a part of her couldn’t fathom what – _who_ – was next to her. She couldn’t be here, beside Clarke, no, Lexa knew she didn’t make it after the bullet went through her, she could feel herself drifting away as Clarke’s lips touched her’s one last time.

 

“Lexa?” Clarke asked, the concern and worry apparent in her voice when Lexa didn’t say anything. “Hey,” She tried again, trying to get through to her, because if anything, it seemed like Lexa couldn’t even hear her.

 

Her arms seemed to have a mind of its own because before Lexa knew it, she was throwing her arms around Clarke, doing her best to keep herself sitting up. Clarke’s arms came up around Lexa instantly, holding her close. She could feel Lexa’s breath hot on her neck as she felt tears on her skin. Clarke held on, moving her hand up and down Lexa’s back, trying to comfort her. “You’re okay.” She said into her hair, realizing for the first time she too was crying, but Clarke couldn’t make herself care about it. She had been by Lexa’s side since she had been shot, which was over 12 hours ago. Clarke had managed to stop the bleeding eventually but she wouldn’t have been able to save Lexa if it weren’t for her healers. Titus was ready to give up but Clarke wouldn’t let it go, she had rushed out of the room for a moment, ordering the guards outside the door to fetch the healers. The look she had given them left them with no choice but to march off and do as they were told. Walking back to the bed, Clarke practically shoved Titus away, not wanting him to be anywhere near Lexa.

 

Clarke had sat by her side throughout the entire day, refusing to leave but being forced to when one of Lexa’s general’s marched into the room with a few guards right behind him, asking about what had happened – Clarke doesn’t even remember his name. At first he seemed to think Clarke and Murphy had something to do with the Commander being shot. But fortunately, he was willing to listen to what they had to say and it only took a couple of minutes to convince him otherwise; the fact that Titus didn’t protest to anything Clarke and Murphy were saying definitely helped. It was a relief when he had finally left, taking Titus with him and leaving Clarke to be with Lexa once again.

 

She had held her hand, pleading for her to wake up but Lexa didn’t so much as stir. Murphy had left the room some time later, not bothering to tell Clarke where he was going and she didn’t bother asking, just wanting to be alone with Lexa right now. Hours passed before Clarke had realized it had gotten dark and she left her place from next to Lexa to light a few of the candles. Walking back to the bed, she crawled under the fur blankets, scooting closer to Lexa. She took Lexa’s hand in her’s before burying her face in the crook of her neck, wanting to be as close to her as possible. Clarke had fallen asleep after a little while, exhausted from the events of the day. But she had woken up only a couple of hours later when Lexa had jerked awake.

 

Now, Clarke was doing her best to keep herself from breaking down because Lexa needed her to be strong right now. “You’re okay.” She repeated, trying to calm her down as she felt Lexa shudder against her.

 

They stayed like that for a few moments, Clarke not saying anything else as the sounds of Lexa’s quiet sobs filled the room. “Clarke?” She finally asked as she pulled away, looking at the blonde questioningly, her voice sounding low and tired. “I don’t…I don’t unders-”

 

“You need to lie down.” Clarke told her gently as she eased Lexa back onto the bed, not answering. Lexa didn’t protest, lying back down but her eyes not leaving Clarke’s for even a moment. “You’re okay, Lexa.” She told her, noticing the questioning look.

 

“No, but I-”

 

Clarke shook her head, stopping her midsentence, knowing what Lexa was about to say. “No. No, you didn’t.” She told her, moving to lie down next to her and propping herself on her elbow to look at Lexa. “You’re fine.”

 

Relief washed over her and Lexa let out a sigh as she closed her eyes, her body aching with every breath. “I thought I-”

 

“I know.” Clarke almost whispered, bringing her free hand up and running her fingers through Lexa’s hair, pushing it out of her face. “How are you feeling?” She asked quietly after a moment.

 

“You’re still here.” Lexa told her instead of replying as she opened her eyes. It seemed more like a sudden observation than anything else and Clarke thought Lexa probably didn’t even hear her. “I thought you’d have left by now.” She turned her head, looking back at Clarke, making her withdraw her hand. Lexa knew Clarke thought staying in Polis wasn’t the smartest thing to do for either of them so she had thought Clarke would’ve left for Arkadia with Octavia by now.

 

“I couldn’t.” Clarke replied with a small sigh as she let her head fall on the pillow. “Not without knowing you were alright.”

 

“You can’t go now.” Lexa told her, sounding worried. “If you’re seen outside the blockade after dawn, or outside Poli-”

 

“Lexa,” Clarke stopped her, squeezing her arm gently. “I’m not going anywhere.” She reassured her with a small smile; right now, the last thing Clarke was wanted to do was leave her here alone.

 

“You’re not?” Lexa almost sounded surprised.

 

“No, Octavia must’ve left by now. And it’s too late for me to leave.” She paused. “Besides, I don’t want to.” Lexa didn’t say anything, only moved closer to Clarke and she placed her arm around Lexa’s shoulder, “I thought I lost you.” Clarke finally voiced what she had been thinking all day as Lexa’s head came to rest on her chest. “And I…” She trailed off, fighting back tears as her fingers made soothing patterns on Lexa’s shoulder. “I can’t, Lexa. I can’t lose you too.”

 

“You won’t.” Lexa tried, sounding tired.

 

“I almost did.” She said in response. “And it was my fault.”

 

At that, Lexa lifted her head, looking up at Clarke. “No, Clarke that wasn’t your fault.”

 

She remained silent for a moment before speaking, “It doesn’t matter now.” Clarke replied and Lexa went back to her previous position. She knew Lexa would never agree, but Clarke knew it was her fault; that bullet was meant for her, not Lexa. And Lexa wouldn’t have even been there if it weren’t for her. She thought she had lost her chance with Lexa; it had taken a while for her to see that the Commander was truly sorry for what happened and she was doing everything she could to make up for it. And Clarke couldn’t keep her feelings pushed down any longer, especially when she knew she had to leave Polis because there was a very good chance she wouldn’t be returning. But then she’d kissed Lexa and for a moment, Clarke believed that maybe there was hope for them; that despite everything, maybe, just maybe, they could be happy. But as she stood watching Lexa bleed out, telling her about how her fight was over, Clarke had started to lose hope. “ _Ai hod yu in_.” She had almost lost her chance to tell her and the words escaped her lips before she could stop them.

 

Lexa seemed to go tense for a moment, unable to believe what she had just heard; unsure whether Clarke had really said what she thought she did. Maybe it was the pain that was impairing her hearing. “I love you too.” She replied almost inaudibly after a moment, relaxing again.

 

Neither of them said anything after that, not needing to, just being there next to each other and knowing that the other was safe and alive was enough right now. After a little while, Clarke thought Lexa had fallen asleep again, her breathing beginning to even out, when suddenly, she spoke, “What happens to us now?”

 

Clarke sighed, taking a moment before answering. “We’ll figure it out.” She pressed a kiss to the top of Lexa’s head. “But for now, I’m not leaving your side.”

 

"Good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah, that was the first one. and i literally just wrote this. considering how i'm still a wreck from the last episode, this is not my best but i really wanted to put it up. so ummm, yeah, let me know what you think, both about this oneshot and my idea of a series of oneshots where clexa is alive and happy. or maybe shoot me an ask on tumblr, which is rip-commander.tumblr.com at the moment.  
> thanks for reading :)


	2. I'm sorry about all of this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morning after the shooting, Arkadia dealing with the blockade, and Clexa....we have Clarke being there for Lexa, who is dealing with the shooting. And it's all really feels-y, at least i think it is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Change of plans. I know i originally said this was going to be a series of oneshots which focus on clexa and nothing else. but....i love the 100 too much and jroth is....*deep sigh* he's ruining everything. so, this is now a multichapter fix it fic which picks up from the shooting and continues with the story. It's going to have all the aspects of the show (only i probably won't disappoint you guys as much as jroth), arkadia and polis and CoL. but it will mostly focus on clexa because i am trash. and quite a bit on the grounders because i'm obsessed with them.
> 
> So yeah, that's where this is going right now. The first half is Arkadia (which wasn't the most fun thing to write but its mostly octavia so...). The second half is just clexa.

“What the hell is this?” Bellamy asked as he stood in front of the gates of Arkadia, listening to the grounder army outside.

 

“A blockade.” Octavia replied as she got of her horse.

 

“What?” He asked. “Why?”

 

“Are you really asking me _why_?” She asked, “It might have something to do with the fact that you’re going around killing Grounders.”

 

“Come on.” Bellamy rolled his eyes at her sister as the two of them began to walk further inside. “You’re the only one who know what’s going on right now and Pike needs to know.”

 

“I’m not talking to Pike.” Octavia stopped walking. “I don’t really want to be talking to _you_ either…” She trailed off.

 

“Well, we need to know what’s going on.” He snapped at her. “The army outside looks angry, not like the last one did.”

 

“Yeah, because the last one was here to _protect you_ and you _fucking killed them_.” She matched his tone, glaring at him. “Where is Abby and Kane?”

 

Bellamy clenched his jaws, trying to glare his sister down but failing. “I don’t know.” Octavia only rolled her eyes, beginning to walk away but he grabbed her arm to stop her. “We’re going to the chancellor, no one else needs to know what’s going on as much as he does.”

 

She only groaned, having no choice but to comply with her brother and follow him inside.

 

The two of them walked in silence until they had reached the conference room where Pike was. There were a few other people inside, Kane and Abby not being one of them and they all looked worried…other than Pike, he just looked annoyed. Bellamy sat Octavia down on one of the chairs at the table, Pike asking her what she knows about the blockade. At first Octavia didn’t want to talk, no part of her wanted to do anything to help Chancellor Pike, she tried shrugging it off with ‘ _I don’t know, Clarke did. She’s the one who talked to the Commander_.’ But she couldn’t for long when Pike and the rest of his council threatened to charge her with treason.

 

“You’re fucked up, you know that right?” Octavia asked rhetorically, sitting up straight as she gave in. “Well, the Grounders aren’t happy with what you’re doing.” Everyone nodded and she continued. “Lexa had called for peace even after you guys,” She looked around the room, “killed an entire army who was here to _protect us_.” Octavia glared at Pike, not for a moment being intimidated by the man who could get her killed without having anyone question it. “But then you just had to go and make things worse.” She continued, leaning back in her seat once again, “You attacked a village.”

 

“We didn’t have a choice.” Pike said in response. “We needed the land to plant food.”

 

“By why the blockade?” Monty’s mom asked before Octavia could say anything.

 

She groaned in response. “Because, you _branwadas_ _attacked. The. Village_. After killing and army that was sent to _protect. Us._ ”

 

Pike was about to speak when Bellamy stopped him, “How does this work?” He asked Octavia but his eyes not leaving Pike. “The blockade?”

 

“We can’t leave Arkadia.” She replied. “There’s a kill order on all Skaikru if we’re seen outside our gates.”

 

“Do they expect to keep us trapped in here?” Someone else asked.

 

“Ten of us could take out 300,” Bellamy said to Pike, “I think we can handle the army.” He added with a smirk.

 

“ _ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS_?” Octavia yelled, getting up on her feet as she glared at her brother. “ _This is what started this entire mess!_ ” She was screaming at this point. “And this isn’t just some grounder army,” She turned away, looking at the rest of the people in the room, not bothering to lower her voice. “This is the army of the _twelve clans_. You can’t take them all out.”

 

“We’ll see about that.” Pike responded, nodding at Bellamy to show Octavia out.

 

They were outside only a moment later, not giving Octavia a chance to speak. Bellamy stepped outside with her, closing the door behind him. “Don’t do anything stupid.” He told her.

 

“ _Jok yu_.” She sneered at him before turning around and walking away.

 

Walking away, she realized he hadn’t even so much as asked about where Clarke was. If the kill order was out on Sky People, he should’ve at least thought to have asked about Clarke. Right before Octavia had left, she had gotten word of what happened to Lexa, how she was shot and figured Clarke wouldn’t want to leave now. She had picked up on it soon enough, there was something going on with the Commander and Clarke because there was no way Lexa wouldn’t want to attack Arkadia after everything that happened. Sure, Octavia wasn’t happy about the kill order but after talking to Indra and having time to think about it on their ride here, she realized that was the best Lexa could do right now. Even now, there were a lot of people (most people) who were unhappy with her decision as it was expected of her to have call upon the armies to attack, not form a blockade. But somehow, Clarke had managed to talk her out of a war.

 

It took her a while, hours actually to find a way to finally talk to Lincoln. She had to wait until it was Miller’s shift because he’s the only one who would let her anywhere near the Grounder prisoners. He didn’t seem too worried about what was happening right now, Lincoln figured if they were only to be killed if seen outside the gates of Arkadia, this would probably be a good thing because Pike and his men would be the first ones out. Octavia had thrown him a disapproving glare, agreeing nonetheless but knowing that if Pike left, he would be dragging people out there with him, some of whom who didn’t deserve to die.

 

She couldn’t stay too long, needing to leave before anyone else saw her here. Octavia decided to find Abby and Kane, they were the only people who knew what they were doing at the moment. Abby needed to know about Clarke and maybe Kane could talk to Pike, knock some sense into him.

 

“Abby?” Octavia said as she stepped inside Arkadia’s _hospital_.

 

The doctor was just finishing up with a patient when she heard her, instantly looking up. “Octavia?” Abby walked over to her.

 

“Do you have a minute?” She asked, “We need to talk.”

 

Abby had nodded, slightly concerned as she led Octavia out. They continued walking until they reached a small room. She realized a moment later that it was Kane’s; he was comfortably sitting on his bed with a book when the two of them entered. Kane set it down, looking at the two with a slightly confused look. “Abby? Octavia?”

 

“There’s a blockade outside Arkadia and I’m worried Pike and his men will make it worse.” Octavia stated.

 

Kane and Abby nodded, not surprised. They had noticed the Grounder army outside but didn’t know what was going on because Abby and Kane were probably Pike’s least favorite people right now. Kane was the first one to ask her about the blockade, and Octavia gave them a much nicer version of what she had told Pike. They had said the same thing Lincoln had, how this could potentially end up being a good thing. The only thing they were worried about was Pike dragging other innocent people into his mess.

 

“How is Clarke?” Abby asked once Octavia was done.

 

“I don’t know.” She told her honestly. “When I last saw her, she was going to say goodbye to the Commander.” Octavia continued. “But she was taking a long time so I went to meet the riders who were going to accompany us till Arkadia.” Abby nodded. “After a little while we got word that Lexa was shot.”

 

“What?” Kane asked, suddenly really worried.

 

“Clarke stayed,” Octavia answered. “She wanted to make sure Lexa was alright.”

 

“But she’s not safe outside Arkadia now.” Abby said, looking between Kane and Octavia.

 

“She’s under Lexa’s protection, she will be fine.” Octavia shrugged it off.

 

“But what if something happens to Lexa? Then what of Clarke?”

 

“Well, if something happens to Lexa, then we’re all as good as dead.” Octavia replied with a sarcastic smile and watched as Kane rolled his eyes at her. “Even if something happens to her, Lexa will make sure Clarke is safe.” She added, her tone softer this time.

 

Abby nodded slowly, not knowing what to make of that. She’d had a feeling there was something going on between Clarke and the Commander; but Abby had refused to believe it because of what happened at Mt. Weather. Only, there was no reason for Clarke to not come back to Arkadia now unless there was a reason to stay in Polis. Abby realized Lexa might be that reason. She was not sure how she felt about it but a part of her knew it was probably safer for Clarke to be at Polis now instead of Arkadia. Despite the Grounders probably wanting her dead even there, Abby had a feeling Lexa would make sure nothing happened to her; after all, she had seen the way the Commander was looking at Clarke during the summit.

 

* * *

 

Clarke cracked an eye open as the bed suddenly shook, waking her up. It took her eyes a moment to adjust in the dark before she noticed Lexa sitting up straight. Her back was facing Clarke and she could see her trying to catch her breath as her back rose and fell rapidly. It hadn’t been long since they had fallen asleep, well it hadn’t been long since Lexa had fallen asleep, Clarke was still wide awake but had her eyes closed, doing her best to sleep – there hadn’t been much of that since last night. From Lexa being shot and the blockade around Arkadia, Clarke’s mind wouldn’t quieten for even a moment. It had taken Lexa a while to fall asleep though, not only was she physically exhausted, she has been a wreck since the shooting but was doing her best to not let it show. And tonight, Clarke had thought she would be able to sleep through the night peacefully – only she knows the rest of the day has been anything but for Lexa.

 

“Hey,” Clarke said softly, sitting up and placing a hand on Lexa’s back. “You’re okay.” She waited for her to respond, but Lexa didn’t. Clarke sighed, rubbing her hand over her back before pulling her closer. Lexa didn’t resist, she let her head fall on Clarke’s shoulder as she moved closer to the blonde, not saying anything. “Nightmare again?”

 

She only hummed in acknowledgement as a hand came up to press against her bullet wound.

 

“What was it this time?” Clarke asked.

 

“Same as before.” Lexa told her, her breathing starting to return to normal.

 

“Is it hurting?” Clarke asked, noticing Lexa’s hand over her wound.

 

“Not as much as earlier.” Lexa replied, remembering back to earlier today when she couldn’t stop herself from crying out in pain. She had broken down completely in Clarke’s arms, every inch of her body throbbing with pain. She still didn’t understand how such a small metal object could cause so much pain. Not only did where the bullet enter her body hurt, but her entire body was still sore from the impact; it still hurt to breathe, requiring more effort than it should. The healer had given her a medicine, saying it would help reduce the pain, but it wasn’t doing much good.

 

Clarke looked at her, the concern and worry apparent in her eyes, “Cold water helped last time.” She reminded her. There wasn’t much that was helping earlier today; Clarke had never really seen Lexa in pain until now. But she had seen the brunette get hurt before and it didn’t seem to have so much as effected her, so she knew it took a lot for her to actually show that she was in pain. Clarke had fallen back on one of the basic remedies for reducing pain, a cold compress. But since there was no ice available, the best they could do was cold water. “Do you want me to ask the-?” Clarke asked, beginning to get up but Lexa stopped her before she could even finish, grabbing her wrist.

 

She shook her head slowly, “Don’t go.”

 

“I just have to walk up to the door.” Clarke told her, remaining seated. “I’m not going anywhere.”

 

“It’s nothing compared to what it was like earlier today,” Lexa told her as she lied back down with her back facing Clarke’s side. “I’ll be fine.”

 

She followed, settling back down next to Lexa before asking, “Are you okay?”

 

“I just…” She trailed off, not knowing what to say really. “I just need you right now, Clarke.” Lexa managed to get out as she felt tears stinging the back of her eyes. “Here. By my side.”

 

“I’m not going anywhere.” Clarke reassured her as she draped her arm over Lexa’s waist, bringing herself closer. “I’m right here.” She said into her shoulder, placing a soft kiss.

 

A moment of silence passed, Clarke thinking Lexa was about to fall asleep once again when she spoke, “I lied.”

 

“About what?” Clarke asked, not moving.

 

“The nightmare.” She answered. “It wasn’t the same as earlier.”

 

“What was it?” Clarke asked gently, urging Lexa to open up.

 

“It was you.” Lexa answered slowly, her voice quiet. “You were the one who got shot, not me.” She continued before falling silent for a moment. “And I couldn’t save you.”

 

“Lexa, I’m right here, okay?” Clarke told her. “And I’m not going anywhere.” She tried to reassure her. “I’ll always be by your side.”

 

Lexa turned around, facing Clarke as she looked at the blonde. “I’m sorry about all of this.” She told her.

 

Clarke only gave her a confused look, not knowing why she should be apologizing. None of this was her fault. Most of this was _Arkadia’s_ fault; after all, that is what started all of this, and now ultimately, it was Titus’s fault for having shot her. But it was all set in motion because of Skaikru, Clarke’s people. If anyone should be apologizing, Clarke figured, it should be her. Lexa wouldn’t be put through all of this if it weren’t for them. Sure, there would’ve been some heat after letting them into the coalition but that would’ve ended after the dual with Roan. If Pike hadn’t massacred the 300 grounders sent to protect Arkadia, then later attacked the village, things wouldn’t have gone as far as they had. “Why are you apologizing?” Clarke asked. “None of this was your fault.”

 

“It was, I should’ve been more careful about what I was doing.” Lexa replied, pausing for a moment. “And I have been a mess since the shooting.” She bit down on her lower lip, almost looking disappointed in herself. “I’ve been _weak_ and I have been burdening you with it.”

 

“No,” Clarke shook her head. “No, you haven’t been doing that.” She brought a hand up to Lexa’s cheek, caressing it with her thumb as she felt the brunette lean into her touch. “No one expects you to keep it together all the time.”

 

“ _Everyone_ does.” Lexa added before Clarke could continue.

 

“I don’t.” She told her. “You’re human, Lexa, you’re allowed to fall apart sometimes. Especially after something like this; I mean, it was only yesterday.” Clarke withdrew her hand, waiting for Lexa to respond but she didn’t. “You don’t have to hold back with me; I know you have a lot on your shoulders right now and it helps to share the load with someone.”

 

Lexa nodded, holding back on tears once again; she wasn’t used to having someone by her side…or so much as saying something to her that might be of some comfort. It was all still new with Clarke, so she was still figuring things out, “I’m tired Clarke.” She breathed out.

 

“I know.” Clarke nodded as Lexa moved closer, resting her head on her chest. “It’ll be okay, things will settle down soon enough.”

 

Lexa let out a long, slow breath she didn’t know she was holding, shifting closer to Clarke, wanting to eliminate any distance between them.

 

“Try to sleep, you need it.” Clarke told her softly as she felt the Commander nod against her. “I’ll be right here when you wake up.” She added, reassuring Lexa again that she had no intention of leaving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, that was the second chapter, thanks for reading. Let me know what you think coz i am still figuring out where i'm taking the story.


	3. I'll never be one of your people

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day three, so it's the next day basically. Starts with clexa and for the first time, we see the two of them thinking about what their relationship means. There's more Polis (clexa) than Arkadia this time. Also, Octavia swears and throws a few punches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter kinda sucked so i'm hoping this one makes up for it. there's more clexa in this one and i think its all pretty cute and feels-y. not much of arkadia in this one, but there is octavia who punches people. and pike and bellamy are a couple of dicks (what else is new tho). can i just say that i really hate bellamy now? he's not getting a redemption because he made clarke cry and there is no coming back from that so he's just going to continue being the bad guy.

It had been a busy day, Clarke thought to herself as she made her way back to Lexa's room. The lack of sleep last night and with everything to do today, she and Lexa were tired to say the least. According to her, if the Commander was to get hurt as bad as this and couldn't carry out the day-to-day duties temporarily, the _Fleimkepa_ would. Only that wasn't the case right now considering how Titus was still in a cell. It had taken a while and a lot of consideration before Lexa decided on one of her generals dealing with things for a while; he wouldn't be making any decisions, still reporting back to Lexa about everything, he would just be the one the people dealt with.

 

Clarke wasn't too sure about it, not knowing whether it was smart to trust someone like that right now, when almost everyone was against Lexa. But she had assured her that this would be fine, it wasn't giving her general any power, he was just a middle man between Lexa and any problem that needed to be addressed. They still hadn't talked about Titus, Clarke had brought it up but after a moment, realized that Lexa wasn't up for talking about it right now. So Clarke had let it go, Titus was locked up anyways, he wasn't causing harm to anyone. Despite appointing someone to take care of things until she was back on her feet, Lexa didn't trust anyone enough to talk to her Nightbloods. They would want to know what was happening and there were already rumors – _highly inaccurate_ ones – going around Polis. So Clarke was the only one who could go to talk to them.

 

She didn't want to leave Lexa's side right now, especially after this morning; although last night was slightly better for Lexa, she was once again in excruciating pain, but Clarke knew that this was important to her and no one other than her, Murphy and Titus knew exactly what had happened. She'd heard that there were already ready rumors going around the city but they didn't really seem to bother Lexa. Although talking to them shouldn't have taken too long, Clarke ended up being held there for hours. She's not really sure how, but the little Hedas in training were adorable to say the least and time kind of just flew away.

 

Walking into the room, Clarke saw Lexa lying on the bed, her back facing the door and if her steady breathing was anything to go by, she was asleep. Clarke was careful to not make any noise as she made her way to the bed and sat down next to her. Lexa looked peaceful, which meant she hadn't been asleep for too long. She wasn’t getting more than an hour of sleep at a time before waking up – some times with a violent jolt (like last night), other times just a startle. Clarke sat down on the edge of the bed, next to her; the bullet had done a number on her but she would get better; it would take a while, both Clarke and Lexa knew that – and Clarke had been constantly telling her it would only take longer if she didn’t stay in bed and rest.

 

She needed all the sleep she could get right now; Lexa was exhausted. Clarke knew she was still in pain; it wasn’t as bad as yesterday, but she could see the discomfort in her movement this morning and before she’d left. She was trying to hide it, not wanting Clarke to see her in pain any longer. It took a bit of persuasion in the morning to keep her in bed, Lexa wanted to be up and back on her feet, trying to convince Clarke she was alright. But Clarke knew better than that, Lexa couldn’t even sit up straight for too long without hurting.

 

The room was silent, no other noise than the sounds floating into the room from the city below them. Clarke didn’t move, just sat in silence, watching the sleeping Commander as she let herself soak in this brief moment of calm; there was still no news from Arkadia, – which was probably a good thing – there were no immediate threats to either her or Lexa, and for a moment Lexa seemed to be alright – only Clarke knows she has been anything but. She hadn’t expected Lexa to be like this now, Clarke had thought Lexa would try to put up a façade, pretending she was perfectly fine other than being _slightly_ hurt physically. This was a different side of Lexa, one where she had stripped down her falls and let herself be vulnerable in front of Clarke. It told Clarke two things: 1) Lexa was comfortable around her enough to do that, and 2) she couldn’t hold back anymore, it was all too much by now and Lexa just _couldn’t_ keep it together any longer.

 

Clarke’s not really sure how she felt about that, it was hurting her to see Lexa like that, knowing there wasn’t anything she could do right now to help lessen the pain she was in. But right now, in this moment, Clarke felt… _calm_ ; Lexa was asleep peacefully next to her, nothing was expected of the two of them – at this very moment, anyways – and Clarke was doing her best to keep her mind off of Arkadia, if her people complied, no one else would get hurt, but from the events of the past few days, Clarke wasn’t too sure that would be the case right now. She took a deep breath, exhaling slowing as she let her shoulders relax and she let her mind drift to her and Lexa for the first time since they had gotten together. Everything after that had happened so fast that neither of them got the chance to think it through and figure out what this meant for them. Clarke didn’t know where they stood right at the moment, all she knew was that she didn’t want to leave Lexa’s side…not now anyways.

 

Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted when felt Lexa stir next to her. Clarke let out a small worried sigh as she placed a hand on Lexa’s arm. “Lexa?”

 

It took over a minutes, Clarke trying to wake her up as Lexa fought against whatever was haunting her dreams this time before she finally woke up. She startled awake this time, eyes snapping open as she looked around frantically before her eyes finally found Clarke’s. “Clarke.” Lexa breathed out, her chest still heaving as she turned to lie on her back and look up at her.

 

Clarke nodded, telling her that she was here. “Are you okay?” She asked gently, knowing the answer.

 

Lexa turned her gaze away, looking down at Clarke’s hand on the bed next to her’s. She brought her hand up, placing it over Clarke’s, “I’m fine.” She answered once she could feel the warmth from Clarke’s skin radiate onto her’s; telling her that this was real, that Clarke was real.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Clarke asked, knowing Lexa would say no.

 

And she did, gently shaking her head as she looked back at Clarke, “There’s nothing to talk about,” Lexa told her. “It was about the shooting again.”

 

Clarke only nodded, letting it go, deciding it was best to give her some space right now. It was obvious from the start that Lexa wasn’t someone who opened up to anyone often so Clarke decided not to push, she was already opening up more than she had expected Lexa to. As much as Clarke was worried about her, she knew in times like this, you just need some space sometimes. “How are you feeling?”

 

“Better than yesterday.” Lexa replied.

 

“That’s good.” Clarke commented, her eyes soft and gentle as the corners of her lips tugged upwards slightly. But soon fell when she noticed Lexa’s hand go up to where to the bullet had entered her.

 

Before Clarke could ask if something was wrong – because as much as she was prepared to give Lexa space if she needed it, Clarke couldn’t take the same stance when it came to her physical health – Lexa spoke, “I think it’s bleeding again.”

 

“Let me see,” Clarke said gently, waiting for Lexa to remove her hand before lifting the hem of her shirt. “It’s just a little.” She told her, noticing the small droplets of blood which had soaked through. “I’ll change it.” Clarke let her hand brush against Lexa’s skin as she stood up and walked over to the table by the couch.

 

Lexa watched as Clarke gathered a few things from the table, her healer had brought in some supplies earlier today when Clarke had asked. She was grateful for it, Lexa didn’t want anyone seeing her when she was hurt but too many people already had. She didn’t mind Clarke though, Lexa’s not sure why but despite her best attempts, she couldn’t seem to keep her guard up around her. Maybe it was a good thing, Lexa thought to herself, thinking back on how in the last few days, she had done everything she could to show Clarke how sorry she was for what happened at Mt. Weather. For a long time, Lexa had thought Clarke wouldn’t forgive her, and even if she did, maybe she didn’t the same way. But then Lexa had noticed things getting better between them, slowly, but better nonetheless. And finally when Clarke had come to say goodbye before leaving for Arkadia but had kissed her instead, she let herself believe there was hope for them. Lexa would never forget how being with Clarke felt, how the relief washed over her when Clarke’s lips touched hers; it was overwhelming, all the emotions pouring in all at once but Lexa wouldn’t have had it any other way.

 

Clarke made her way back to Lexa, who’s mind was still preoccupied with her thoughts; remembering back to how she finally felt happy and content and how it hadn’t lasted even an hour before things went so wrong so quickly.

 

“What are you thinking about?” Clarke asked, bring Lexa back to reality as she started to remove the bandage.

 

“Nothing,” Lexa replied as she lifted her back off the bed slightly to allow Clarke to unwrap the old bandage. She wanted to ask her about it, about where they stood in terms of their relationship after that kiss, but now wasn’t the right time for that; they both had a lot going on, Clarke wasn’t talking about it but Lexa knew she was worried about the blockade around Arkadia, and Lexa…well, she had literally everything to worry about right now…from her advisor turning against her and almost killing her, to most of her people questioning her leadership for not going to war, everything was against her right now. “How did it go with the Nightbloods?” She finally asked.

 

“It went alright, I ended up getting caught up with them longer than expected.” She replied, wiping away the little bit of black liquid from Lexa’s skin. “They’re worried about you.” Clarke told her. Lexa flinched momentarily, causing her to withdraw her hand apologetically and muttering a small sorry before going back to cleaning it.

 

Lexa took this opportunity to try and talk Clarke into letting her out of bed, “That is why I can’t spend days in bed, Clarke.” It was a desperate attempt, Lexa knew that, but it was the best she could do right now. Being stuck in her room was becoming unbearable, although it was giving her a chance to relax, that was the last thing Lexa was capable of doing right now, there was way too much on her mind.

 

“You will until you’ve healed.” She told her, tapping Lexa’s side gently with her finger as she lifted her back of the bed again, letting Clarke wrap the new bandage around her.

 

Clarke went around twice, and Lexa let herself lie back down. “I feel fine.”

 

“Lexa, you were bleeding _just now_.” Clarke reminded her as she tucked in the loose end and smoothed it out with her thumb. “You’re not okay, not yet.” Her voice was softer this time. “Just a few more days okay?”

 

Lexa waited a moment before nodding slowly, Clarke was right, she couldn’t even sit up straight for more than a few minutes without the pain taking over. She could feel it again now, the pain from where the bullet had entered her spreading out, making her insides feel like they were burning. She’s not sure why it kept happening but it would every now and then, some times were worse than others and fortunately, right now, it wasn’t too bad.

 

“You’re hurting again.” Clarke commented.

 

Lexa gave her a confused look, not knowing how she noticed. “How did you-”

 

“Your breathing changes every times it hurts,” She explained. “There’s the not-so-subtle sharp intake of breath, followed by you trying to hide the fact that every breath you take is causing you pain.” Clarke sighed as she finished, her hand reaching out to hold Lexa’s.

 

“You sound worried.” Lexa said quietly.

 

“I am.” Clarke breathed out. “You were shot, Lexa.” She told her. “I almost lost you.” Her voice was almost inaudible, Lexa probably didn’t even hear her.

 

Lexa watched Clarke for a moment as the words reached her, studying her and noticing the worry in her blue eyes. Silence fell over, neither of them saying anything, neither of them _needing_ to say anything. “Come to bed.” Lexa spoke a few moments later. “I want you by my side.” She added hesitantly, looking away from Clarke.

 

* * *

 

There was a small supply closet in Arkadia’s medical facility and in the past, it wasn’t off much use to anyone. Now, however, this was the only place anyone could meet without Pike knowing. Abby and Kane stood on one end of the room with Octavia and Sinclair standing across from them. Kane’s bug inside the conference room still hadn’t been found and it told them that Pike was planning on attacking the Grounder army outside. “It’s not like I warned anyone about exactly this.” Octavia had mused sarcastically when Kane had first told her. And as they spoke, Pike was talking about recruiting people because even he wasn’t stupid enough to think this army was the same as the previous one.

 

“Lexa’s not going to stand for peace if he kills anymore of her people.” Octavia said impatiently. “She’s already getting a lot of heat from for not attacking, I don’t think she can hold off any longer. I don’t see why she would even want to.”

 

“She’s the Commander, she will work things out with her people.” Kane said calmly.

 

“Her position doesn’t matter if her people start to think she’s weak.” Octavia said in response. “One of the villagers who took me to Polis pulled out a knife and tried to kill her because she refused to attack Arkadia.”

 

Kane opened his mouth to say something but Sinclair stopped him, “Bottom line is,” He looked around. “We have to stop Pike or there _will_ be a war.”

 

Before anyone else could say anything, a single gunshot rang out. Taking a moment to process it, the three of them rushed out of the supply closet and outside. The sight in front of Octavia made her stop in her tracks, she’s not sure how Abby and Kane had reacted to it, but they probably didn’t feel as sick and scared as she did in that moment. A few feet in front of them, the Grounders Pike was holding as prisoners were on their knees with Bellamy behind them with a gun. One of them lay on the ground, his head open as it bled out. The people watching didn’t seem to mind what was happening let alone try and stop it. Pike wa– no, _Bellamy_ was executing them. Even Lincoln was there, he was at the far end of the line next to Nyko.

 

“BELLAMY!” Octavia yelled out, running to him.

 

He had his gun pressed against another Grounder when he heard his sister. Bellamy didn’t say anything, slowly lowered the gun and turned around to see his sister angrily running up to him. He had expected Octavia to be angry, but they didn’t have a choice right now but to kill them. What he wasn’t expecting was her first interaction with him today to be her fist colliding with his face.

 

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?” She yelled, her hands clenched into fists by her side.

 

Bellamy turned his head to look at her, wiping away the blood dripping from his nose with his thumb. “It was Pike’s idea.” He said slowly.

 

Another punch, Octavia’s sure she broke his nose this time. “Then why the fuck are _you_ the one killing them?!”

 

“You punch my guard one more time, I’m putting you down on the lineup with them.” Pike’s voice came from behind her.

 

Octavia waited, not saying anything as she glared at Bellamy and listened to Pike’s footsteps getting closer. She didn’t have to know he was close enough because his hand came up to touch her shoulder; turning on her heel in a flash and with one swift motion of her arm, she had Pike stumbling back and doing his best to keep his balance.

 

Just as Pike had regained his balance, Kane ran up to them, throwing himself between Octavia and Pike. “Enough,” He told her, his voice low and intimidating as he tried to push the two of them away from each other.

 

“Down on your knees, Blake.” Pike yelled out, stepping away.

 

“ _Jok yu_.” Octavia muttered, beginning to walk away. She hadn’t gotten more than a couple of steps before two guards grabbed her, dragging her at the end of the line and kicking her feet from under her. Octavia landed with a thump next to Lincoln.

 

“She’s not one of them.” She heard Bellamy say to Pike. “You can’t just kill her, she’s one of _your_ people.”

 

“Sure I can.” Pike took the gun out of Bellamy’s hand before he could do anything. “My people don’t attack me like that.”

 

Bellamy tackled him as he began to walk away, both of them landing on the ground with a soft _thump_. “No, I’m not letting you.” He tried, doing his best to wrestle the gun away from him.

 

But Bellamy was no match for Pike, especially because the other guards interfered; it took him all of 20 seconds for one of the guards to hit him in the face with the back of their gun and for Pike to be back on his feet. “Stay down son.” He said, looking down at him. “Prove to me your brother’s right.” Pike said as he stepped up to Octavia, holding the gun over the back of her head. “Tell me you’re one of my people.”

 

Octavia didn’t lower her head, not wanting to give into Pike, she wasn’t afraid of him. “I’ll never be one of your people.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, that was one way to end it. (i honestly wasn't planning on that ending, it sort of just happened and i went with it).
> 
> also, i really just wanna give lexa a hug but at least she has clarke right now. and i know i've been focusing more on lexa but i will get to clarke and how she's doing with everything going on soon enough, hopefully by the next chapter. 
> 
> and thanks for reading, let me know what you thought of this one (and the ending and also the clexa bits because i love writing them).


	4. We are not attacking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Picks up right after the last chapter. Lexa is very much done with Skaikru's bullshit and we see her addressing her people about it. There's also Bellamy being a dick and Octavia swears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm updating a day earlier than usual but that's to make up for the fact that i'm not updating the soulmate au this week either oops. it got longer than i was expecting. it was fun writing octavia, more than i thought tbh. and no, i haven't forgiven bell.

 

Octavia waited for Pike to pull the trigger, she wasn’t expecting anything else right now; Kane had been restraint by a couple of guards and Bellamy was…just standing there, not even trying to do anything about it. Just as she expected the bullet to hit her, Lincoln jumped up backwards, colliding with Pike as the two of them landed on the ground. Octavia didn’t dare move, only turned slightly as she watched Lincoln try to wrestle the gun away from Pike. She’s not sure what he thought he was going to achieve through that, the guards would intervene soon enough an- Before she could finish her thought, a familiar hand grabbed her arm and pulled her up to her feet, dragging her away from there.

 

It took her a moment to realize who it was, Octavia’s eyes were still on Lincoln as whoever it was, pulled her away. Finally out of sight of Arkadia’s center, – which they were calling _Arkadia Square_ , something Octavia didn’t quite understand – she turned her head to look at who it was. Jerking her arm away at the sight of her brother, Octavia stormed away in the general direction of her bunk, not so much as saying anything to him. She hadn’t gotten too far when she heard the shot ring out, _No_ , Octavia thought to herself before realizing it must’ve been him, it had to have been Lincoln. She made a run for it, wanting to return to the site of execution and prove to herself that she was wrong, and that Lincoln was fine. But Bellamy stopped her, “No,” He held her back, arms going around her from behind, “Go back to your bunk, lock your door.” He let her go, looking her in the eye. “I’ll talk to Pike and I’ll let you know what happened.”

 

She didn’t want to agree to anything Bellamy was saying right now, but Octavia knew this was her only chance of making it out of here alive. Not replying to her brother, Octavia turned back around, running off towards her bunk reluctantly.

 

* * *

 

“ _Heda!_ ”

 

An urgent knock on the door interrupted Clarke and Lexa. They were on her bed, Lexa still not being allowed to leave but it wasn’t as bad when Clarke decided to spend the day in bed with her. The two of were both lying on their sides, lips connected as their tongues moved lazily against the other and Clarke’s hands had found their way to tangle into Lexa’s hair. They pulled away at the sound, Clarke in a flash, putting distance between them and Lexa remaining frozen on her spot for a moment as she finally managed to open her eyes.

 

“ _Min op_.” Clarke called out instead of Lexa as she sat up on the bed and helped Lexa up. She placed a pillow behind her back, letting her sit up straight as she leaned against the headboard and the doors swung open with one of her messengers walking in.

 

“What is this about?” Lexa asked, her voice confident and authoritative, sounding like herself for the first time in days. She had expected it to come out low and raspy if anything considering what was happening only a moment ago.

 

She sounded a little annoyed, causing the messenger – who Clarke noticed was only a young boy – to lower his head in apology. Everyone knew better than to interrupt her when she was in her room, meaning this had to be important. “Arkadia.” He replied simply, his voice small.

 

“What about it?” Lexa asked, sitting up as straight as she could.

 

“They killed eight more of our people.” He replied, daring to look up.

 

“What?” Clarke jumped in before Lexa could respond.

 

“The people they were holding prisoner,” He explained her. “They were executed earlier this morning.”

 

“ _What_?” Lexa managed to get out through gritted teeth. “The ones who were sick and _weak_ and taken there to get help?” Despite everything, a part of her thought Skaikru was better than to stoop to this level.

 

She sounded scary to say the least and Clarke could swear the young boy was trembling at Lexa’s tone. He didn’t seem to want to reply but nodded his head slowly.

 

“Has any Sky People left the gates yet?” Lexa asked, finding it in herself to calm down slightly but Clarke could still see the anger burning in her eyes.

 

“No _Heda_.”

 

Clarke looked at Lexa, almost afraid to see her reaction to this but her face didn’t give anything away. “Ask Jonathan to gather the other generals and call for the ambassadors.” She told him calmly, doing her best to keep her composure. “One hour, in the throne room.”

 

The boy nodded, shuffling away as the door closed behind him.

 

“Lexa I am so sor-” Clarke started but Lexa shook her head, stopping her.

 

“This isn’t your fault Clarke.” She replied, not sounding angry this time. “But if you are worried I am going to attack, I’m not.”

 

“You’re…not?”

 

“No,” Lexa shook her head slowly. “Those people were already inside, they were as good as gone. But if even one of my warriors end up dead,” She paused for a moment, her voice lowering, “I will attack.”

 

* * *

 

A few seconds passed when the knocking came again, louder this time followed by an order to open the door.

 

“WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I?” Octavia yelled back. “So you can drag me back to Pike?”

 

“I would never let him hurt you,” Bellamy tried. “You _know_ that.”

 

“I _did_ know that.” She said back to him, still sounding angry. “I don’t anymore because if I remember clearly, Pike had a fucking gun to my head about an hour ago and all you did was _stand_ there and _watch_.” Octavia finally stood up, reluctantly walking over to the door to unlock it.

 

Bellamy stepped inside the moment the door was open wide enough, not waiting for his sister to invite him in. Octavia stepped aside, letting him in before following him further into the room. The moment he had turned around to face her, Octavia’s hand came up in a fist yet again, colliding with Bellamy’s face. He brought his hand up to his face, trying to wipe away the blood dripping out of his already broken nose. “Will you stop doing that?”

 

“Will _you_ stop being Pike’s lap dog for one fucking minute?” She asked sarcastically in return before sitting down on the bed. Octavia fell quiet for a moment, her voice quieter when she spoke again, “What did you do with them?” She asked. “With their bodies?”

 

“Threw them outside the gate.” Bellamy replied, not bothered by his answer. “As a warning to Lexa’s army if they try and attack us.”

 

“You’re glad I’m sitting down.” She told him, her voice low. “I have the urge to punch you again.” Octavia glared at him, speaking through gritted teeth, “Lexa’s army is not here to attack, not yet. I told you that.” She turned her eyes away, looking down at the ground, “Lincoln’s dead, isn’t he?” Her voice wavered despite her doing her best to not.

 

Bellamy lowered his head, not having it in him to look at his sister as he nodded slowly, “Yeah, Pike shot him when he-”

 

“When he saved my life.” Octavia finished his sentence, she didn’t want to sound as small and broken as she did right now. “What does Pike hope to achieve by killing sick, helpless Grounders and then throwing their bodies out like that?” Her tone changed, returning back to normal. Bellamy opened his mouth to speak but she stopped him, “And if you say it was to warn the army or scare them, god help me.” Octavia glared at him.

 

“Fine, I won’t.” He raised his head, crossing his arms over his chest. “I know you don’t realize this O, but Chancellor Pike is doing what’s best for us.”

 

“DO YOU HERE YOURSELF RIGHT NOW??” She bolted to her feet, yelling at him. “This is the Army of the 12 Clans; Pike and his little boy band have no chance of winning a war against them.” Before her brother could say something in response, she continued, “They have been living here for about a century when we haven’t been here for even a year. This is _their_ land, Bell; you and Pike and his delusional followers have no chance of wiping out an _entire civilization_.”

 

“We’ll see about that.” He told her, doing his best to be intimidating.

 

Octavia let out a exasperated sigh as she threw her hands up in surrender, not knowing what Pike was giving him to make his this delusional. _Jaha’s chip would probably have less of an effect_. “Okay, what do you think is going to happen when Lexa gets word of this, huh? She asked. “Eight more of her people – sick and weak and helpless – all dead. And why? Just to send a pointless message?”

 

* * *

 

“We are not attacking.” Lexa said from her throne to the room now full of generals and ambassadors in her usual tone which Clarke could only describe as _commander_.

 

Clarke stood by her side, where Titus used to, mostly because she knew Lexa wasn’t well enough to be out of bed right now and she wanted to be as close to her as possible without it looking suspicious in case something happened. She looked across the room, watching as they talked amongst themselves for a second before one of the generals stepped up to speak.

 

“But _Heda_ , _Skaikru_ is doing nothing but killing our people.” His voice was lowered as he spoke, not wanting to come off as disrespectful. “ _Jus no drein just daun, sha_.” He said with a nod before speaking in English again, “But how is it to work if they don’t so much as try to uphold peace?”

 

Clarke knew he had a point, peace had to go both ways; Lexa couldn’t enforce it if _Skaikru_ wouldn’t stop killing innocent Grounders let alone try to make peace with them. She didn’t know how Lexa was going to answer but Clarke realized she shouldn’t have been surprised when she spoke.

 

She sounded calm, but her voice was still loud and clear, reaching till the back of the room. “This was the last time they killed us without having to bleed for it.” Lexa told them. “Any more of our warriors shed blood unnecessarily and we will go to war.”

 

More muttering amongst the generals and ambassadors, only this time, Clarke realized, it sounded positive. “ _Sha, Heda_.” The general who had last spoken responded, bowing his head slightly as he stepped away.

 

“Now tell me,” Lexa turned to the messenger. “What happened?”

 

He told her the best he could from being outside the wall and Clarke realized how Pike was doing nothing more than making things worse, he wasn’t even _trying_ to ease the tension between him and the Grounders. From outside the gates, the scouts on the trees were able to see what had happened but they couldn’t hear a word. And from what Clarke could tell, Pike seemed to have wanted them to see everything. The Grounder prisoners – who were brought to Arkadia because they were sick and needed help – were marched out to Arkadia’s center for all it’s people to see. Pike had wanted to make a public display of it and make a statement to the people, both his and Lexa’s, telling them that they should step away while they still had the chance.

 

The prisoners, some of whom were too weak to even walk were put down on their knees before Bellamy shot the first one. It wasn’t a surprise to Clarke that the messenger addressed Bellamy by name; the Grounders knew who he was, the one to storm the capital during a summit with weapons and guns nonetheless. To them, it was disrespectful not only to the capital and their Commander, but to everything Polis stood for, peace and sanctuary. They would not be forgetting him any time soon. A part of Clarke wanted to stop the messenger and ask is he was sure that it was Bellamy but she knew that it wasn’t impossible, after everything that had happened – after what _he_ had done – it didn’t surprise her.

 

What _did_ surprise her though, was the mention of Octavia. The messenger, who’s name Clarke still did not know, told them about how she tried to stop the execution, punching her brother but failing ultimately. Lexa only nodded, listening to him, last time she had seen Octavia, it was clear that she hated her brother right now for everything he had done. The mention of Octavia punching Pike, however, got a response from Clarke. “Is she okay?” She asked suddenly, drawing all eyes to her. Clarke knew Pike wouldn’t just let that go and from all the people inside Arkadia, Octavia was one of the _very few_ people she still cared about.

 

The messenger hesitated before telling them about it. Clarke felt her breath hitch when he said Octavia was put down on her knees in the lineup, he’s not sure what Octavia had said but whatever it was, it set Pike over the edge. The lack of Bellamy trying to stop this was disturbing to say the least, Clarke knew he had reached a new low since Pike came along but she never for one moment thought that he would give up on trying to protect his sister. It was a relief to know that Octavia had made it out alive but she could feel herself shudder when she heard about what happened to Lincoln. “Once they were all dead, they opened the gates,” The boy continued, his voice beginning to waver, Lexa didn’t say anything, only gave him a small nod, encouraging him to continue. “They dragged the bodies out like they were animals.” He told everyone but Lexa in particular. “No respect for the dead, _Heda_ ; we treat our animal better.”

 

As he finished, Lexa could hear the ambassadors and generals speaking all at once. She waited a moment for them to quieten down but a few seconds later, when they didn’t, she raised her hand, “ _Shof op_.” She called out loudly and silence fell over the room instantly. “Make arrangements to return the bodies to their families.” Lexa ordered and two men from the back quietly left the room. “I suspect it won’t be long before the Chancellor decides to attack my army.” Her voice travelled across the room, loud and calm and effortlessly authoritative. “I stand by what I said, we do not march on Arkadia until he does so, this is their last chance.” Her eyes found an elderly man in the small crowd. “Write to them, warn the Chancellor that we will not let him do as he pleases any longer.” She instructed as the man nodded with slight difficulty. “Then send it to me before we have messengers take it to them.”

 

It was silent for a moment, Lexa studying the people in front of her and being satisfied by what she saw, no one seemed to have something to say against her decision. Her people were starting to warm up the new policy, reluctantly, but it was still progress. Lexa is not sure what it was because it was only a couple of days ago when someone tried to kill her because she refused to attack Arkadia, but a part of her suspected that the people were starting to realize that the fate of anyone who questioned her did not end well.

 

It wasn’t long after that before the room was cleared out; everyone was clear on what was happening right now and they knew there was no point in questioning Lexa’s decision because it would end badly for them and nothing else. The moment the door closed behind the last of her audience, Lexa’s eyes turned to Clarke questioningly, she knew the blonde didn’t want to attack, they were her people after all, but right now not only did Lexa have no other choice, but she didn’t want an alternative. She couldn’t establish peace if all Pike did was attack and kill her people. “Clarke?” Lexa asked, not needing to ask her anything else.

 

Clarke only shrugged, taking a step towards closer to Lexa. “It was bound to happen sooner or later.” She said stepping up to her and held out a hand to help her up. “Especially since Pike doesn’t show any signs of stopping.”

 

“I am hoping that he takes this warning seriously,” Lexa told her as she took her hand, using it to pull herself up. “It will save us both a war.” She managed to stand up, closing her eyes for a moment as pain shot through her.

 

“After everything,” Clarke started, taking Lexa’s arm, offering support as they began to walk away towards the door. “I doubt that he will.” She said as she slowed down her pace, noticing how Lexa was having difficulty walking.

 

Lexa nodded reluctantly. “I know this must be hard for you, Clarke.” She managed to get out as she tried to not pay attention to how every step was hurting more than she’d had expected it to. “You still have people you care about inside Arkadia.”

 

“It doesn’t matter now.” Clarke dismissed it but it was killing her on the inside knowing that when Lexa attacked, no one inside Arkadia would live to tell what happened. “There’s nothing to do about it.” The doors swung open and the two of them stepped out, making their way towards Lexa’s bedroom. “You need to rest.” Clarke said as they continued walking. “You know what’s about to come, and you’re still in no shape for it.” Lexa opened her mouth to protest but Clarke stopped her. “I’m not trying to stop you from riding with your army.” She explained. “This is your army, your people, and your fight, so I understand.” Clarke gave her a small smile. “But that means you need to rest now so that you _can_ actually lead your army.”

 

Lexa didn’t respond, she knew Clarke was right, she couldn’t even walk back to her room right now without Clarke’s help. If she didn’t get better by the time they had to march to Arkadia, everything would just be worse than it already was; she would have to ride into battle with her army but it would be embarrassing if anything if she was too weak to actually fight.

 

* * *

 

“We have to do something.” Abby said to Kane, Octavia and Sinclair as they met again in the supply closet. It hadn’t been long since the message ( _warning_ ) was delivered to Arkadia. Pike hadn’t taken it well, shooting the messenger before walking off, no doubt going to plan their attack on the army. “Pike is going to attack them any moment now and now we know for a fact that Lexa will not stand for this any longer.”

 

“But what can we do?” Octavia asked, she wasn’t in the headspace right now to be thinking about anything really. She hadn’t had the chance to so much as think about Lincoln let alone try and make peace with what happened. A part of her knew she Couldn’t let it go and how she would never see Bellamy the same way; he was to blame just as much as Pike.

 

“Yeah,” Sinclair said with a nod. “It would be different if there were more people opposed to what Pike was doing.” He told them. “But right now it’s just us, there might be others but no one else is willing to stand up to him.”

 

“We can help Lexa.” Kane said suddenly, all eyes turning to him questioningly. “Pike isn’t going to stop.” He told them, noticing the disapproving looks he was receiving. “He is just going to continue killing her people, people who have done nothing to us.” Octavia was the only one to nod before Kane continued. “And either ways, if the Army of the 12 Clans march on us, no one is making out of here alive. But if we can help her, and if there are more people who are _willing_ to help as well, our people still have a chance of surviving.”

 

“He’s right.” Abby said after a moment. “We are going to be wiped out when the Grounders attack. I know Lexa said she will only attack if Pike starts to kill her warriors, but we all _know_ that is where it’s headed right now.”

 

“So what do we do?” Octavia asked.

 

“First,” Kane started. “We find a way to contact them without Pike knowing. But our radio’s range isn’t that great so we’ll have to find another way.”

 

“There is another way.” Octavia told them causing everyone to look at her questioningly. “Indra’s here.” She looked around. “I can get to her, have her deliver a message to Lexa.” Kane nodded. “If we can figure out what we can do to help, I can sneak out and meet with Indra.”

 

“Okay, good.” Abby nodded. “But how can we possibly help them?”

 

“Raven.” Sinclair spoke. “Radios.” He corrected. “We can help the Grounders once they are closer to Arkadia.” He explained. “If we can get enough radios out to them, we can keep in contact with them and help from the inside.”

 

“So we’re offering to be their eyes and ears on the inside?” Abby asked and the three of them nodded. “What if Pike picks up on the frequency of the radios?”

 

“I’ll have Raven work around that.” Sinclair answered. “Maybe we can get it on a different frequency or find a way to block Pike out.” He shrugged. “Don’t worry, Raven can figure it out.”

 

The others nodded, no one doubted what Raven could do. “I’m going to find Indra.” Octavia told them, stepping towards the door. “Let her know and see what she thinks.” She didn’t sound entirely convinced; sure, this would help the army when attack but at the same time, help to what extent? There wasn’t much they could tell them that Lexa didn’t know already. Pike was very secretive about what he was planning on doing and the only way this could be of actual help would be if someone in Pike’s council was willing to help.

 

It didn’t take Octavia long to make her way out of Arkadia, there were still small openings which no one seemed to have noticed yet. She just hoped it would remain that way for a while longer. Indra still had her radio and Octavia was able to get to her easily without either of them being spotted. She seemed a little skeptical about the plan at first, well it wasn’t much of a plan right now, it was just four sky people agreeing to inform the Commander about what was happening inside the walls of Arkadia. But Indra soon realized that it could be helpful, they had next to no idea about what it was like inside, so it could potentially help if they had someone on the inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's that then. so i guess its pretty clear that lexa's going to attack arkadia soon enough. and i will get to how clarke is feeling about all of this soon (because i am not jroth and clarke's feelings actually matter to me so i won't make her just "suck it up and move on")


	5. Em ste gon laik ait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clexa's kinda domestic. Pike (and bellamy) is a dick. They're on the verge of war. And Roan is here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so, it's 3am on a school night i don't know what's wrong with me. but....i won't be updating for a while. well, i won’t be until at least the 21st of June. i know it’s a long way to go, over two months from now and i really don’t want to take a break from writing but i have my exams coming up in the middle of May and I really need to go full study-mode now. so yeah, I just thought I’d let you guys know that I’m not abandoning the fic (that’s the last thing I wanna do), but it will be a while until I can update again. And I hope you guys are still here to read it when i'm back.....and that's why i'm up till 3am, coz i wanted to finish this chapter and post at least one update before i had to go away for a while.  
> [[btw, my Trig is rusty, so i hope i didn't mess up too bad, the translations are at the end of the chapter]]

It had been quiet the last two days, giving Lexa a chance to heal. It was a slow process, she realized, and a painful one because she was still hurting more than she had thought she would be. But she was holding up better than before. It helped having Clarke here, Lexa’s not really sure how she would’ve dealt with this without her to be honest. Nonetheless, it still made her feel weak for _needing_ someone but Clarke had reassured her more than once that it was alright and that there was nothing wrong in how she was feeling right now. But now, for a moment, it felt like things were starting to calm down, maybe Pike had taken the warning seriously – something Clarke seriously doubted because this was Pike after all. Nevertheless right now, as she lay on the couch with her head on Clarke’s lap, Lexa couldn’t be bothered to worry about anything.

 

Clarke let out a soft sigh, her fingers gently trailing over Lexa’s arm as she watched the steady rise and fall of her back. With Lexa seemingly alright now and the lack of news from Arkadia, she felt calm. It was still early – not even noon yet, Clarke realized but they had been awake for more than a few hours now, Lexa being well enough – _just enough_ – to finally be able to get back to her duties. Fortunately, there wasn’t much to do today so she was back in her room within a couple of hours. The sunlight was making it’s way in through the curtains, illuminating the room in a soft light but Lexa still insisted on the candles being lit. It was something Clarke had picked up on; there were always candles around and they were always lit, she had been meaning to ask Lexa about it because, like right now, there was no need for them. Clarke thought Lexa was about to fall asleep again but her stirring slightly told Clarke otherwise; she hadn’t slept enough last night to have been awake since this early. “You could sleep, you know that right?” She asked gently. “Just for an hour or two?”

 

Lexa nodded slowly against her. “Sleep doesn’t come easy, Clarke. You know that.”

 

“Yeah, I do.” Her fingers continued trailing on her arm, making random patterns because she had come to learn how comforting Lexa found this. It was the nightmares which led to Clarke realizing it; the touches so gentle that Clarke swore Lexa couldn’t even feel them seemed to be one of the few things that could calm her down. “But you didn’t sleep more than a couple of hours last night.”

 

“I kno-” Lexa was cut off by a loud knock on the door, she wasn’t expecting anyone right now. She sat up, being careful to not stretch her scar before telling the person on the other side to come in.

 

The doors opened and one of Lexa’s generals Clarke knew better than the rest, Jonathan, walked in…more like stormed. He looked angry, “ _Fai stedaun, Heda_.” Unlike most of the other warriors and generals, he opted to speak in Trigedasleng more often than in English. “ _En emo gon frag op mou_.”

 

“ _Fai gona?_ ” Lexa asked in response.

 

“ _Sha, Heda_.” He replied with a nod. “ _En mou_.”

 

Lexa let out a frustrated sigh as she nodded, “Gather the war council,” She told her. “Wanheda and I will be in the meeting room in an hour.”

 

.

 

Within the next few hours, everyone important was gathered in the large meeting room inside the tower and the leaders of the other clans had been notified; none of them were expected to show up, but it was a formality to let them know. Lexa was sitting at the head of the table, maps and other papers spread out across it. Their initial plan was to charge through the front gates with a small but effective army, weaken Skaikru’s front lines before actually attacking with a lot more force. But Clarke pointed out that it wouldn’t be possible to march through the gates unless someone on the inside had opened it.

 

“What about the fences?” One of them asked. “They don’t look too strong.”

 

“They’re electrically charged,” Clarke answered, shaking her head. “No one’s getting in or out through it.”

 

“How do we get inside then?” Someone else asked, sounding frustrated as silence fell at the question because at the moment, it seemed like there wasn’t a way in. Sure, Kane had offered to help but Clarke and Lexa knew better than to rely solely on that. Not that they questioned Kane, but they knew if Pike found out about it, it would be shut down immediately.

 

“There are a few weak points.” Clarke suddenly remembered, thinking back to how Octavia got in and out of camp. “Octavia knows them, she uses them to get in and out of camp without anyone noticing.” She turned her head to look at Lexa, “But they’re small, no more than two people can enter through them and Octavia’s the only one who knows where they are.”

 

Lexa only nodded, they weren’t getting too far with this; although Arkadia did not have nearly as many soldiers as her army did, they still had the upper hand, they had guns and their gate was secured too well for them to break in through them. “Send more scouts.” Lexa said to everyone at the table. “We need to know more about what it is like inside their walls.” They watched her expectedly, wanting more of an explanation. “It’ll let us know when it’s the best time to attack because we don’t know what it’s like inside.” She reminded them. “We don’t know much about the people or their fighting techniques.”

 

“But the longer we wait, the more time they have to prepare for our army.” The woman next to Clarke noted.

 

“They’re already prepared.” Lexa replied. “If they attacked the army outside today, they must think they are prepared to fight.” She looked around the table, “But if _we_ are not prepared, it won’t matter how many men we have.”

 

They all seemed to nod, everyone here knew better than to attack without a proper plan especially when the enemy already knew what they were doing.

 

“Let me go inside.” Clarke spoke suddenly, drawing all eyes to herself. “I can talk to Pike, give them a chance to surrender before you attack.” She could already see the disapproving look in Lexa’s eyes. “And even if he doesn’t agree, I might be able to find a way to shut down the fences for the army outside.”

 

“No.” Lexa stated simply. “Pike won’t surrender and it won’t be safe for you inside Arkadia.”

 

“Wanheda,” Someone said from the other end of the table. “You are the closet we have to someone who knows how things work inside Arkadia, we can’t risk that.” It seemed like that was the only reason the people at Polis weren’t so keen on…wanting to _kill_ her right now. They knew she was the closest they had to someone from the enemy’s side, so they knew they needed her alive.

 

“He’s right.” Lexa said to Clarke with a single nod, but they both knew that wasn’t it. The reason Lexa didn’t want Clarke to go anywhere near Arkadia is because of what happened last time and how she would have been taken a prisoner if it weren’t for Octavia. “We can’t risk losing you.” _I can’t risk losing you_. Before Clarke could say anything to it, Lexa spoke again to her council, “I want more scout reports by this time tomorrow; if we don’t know our enemy, there isn’t much we can do.”

 

* * *

 

Arkadia had been nothing if not chaotic since this morning, Pike had finally decided it was time to attack the Grounder army outside and he had sent his men through the gates, guns blazing. Pike seemed to have only sent a small group, not more than ten men. He would’ve preferred more, but right now there weren’t too many at his disposal. All but three of them had returned later that night, neither of them being able to keep count of how many Grounders they had killed. Pike seemed pleased about it, not caring for a moment that he had lost three people. He didn’t care really, it was over 30 Grounders for three of his people, and he could live with that.

 

An actual attack was still in the planning process, Pike wanted to be 100% certain that his plan would work. Sending out a small team like he had worked today and he hoped to do the same for the next couple of days in hopes of scaring the Grounders. Pike and his council hoped to build an element of paranoia, making them wonder when and where the next bullet would be coming from. This would play in their favor when they finally attacked. But Bellamy had suggested putting all their effort to fortifying Arkadia so Grounders couldn’t come inside. He knew that they eventually would wage war because that’s what Lexa had said. So he didn’t see the point in them going outside the gates to fight an army when they could just be waiting for them to walk into _their_ territory.

 

“It will give us the upper hand, sir.” Bellamy said to Pike later that night. “This is our home, we know it better than they do so we have a better fighting chance inside Arkadia than outside our gates.”

 

“And what about our civilians?” Monty’s mom asked. “Won’t they fall in the crosshairs?”

 

“No,” Pike replied. “We’ll keep them indoors,” He turned to look at Bellamy. “You make a strong point. It’ll do us better if we stay inside and prepare ourselves for when they attack.” Turning back to the others, he continued, “And until then, we do what we did today; we send a small group out with enough ammo to take out as many Grounders as they can.”

 

* * *

 

“We’re not talking about this Clarke.” Lexa said to Clarke as the two of them got into bed later that night. “You’re not going inside Arkadia.”

 

“I didn’t say anything,” Clarke responded as she settled into bed. It was almost strange how comfortable the two of them felt around each other; Clarke hadn’t been in her room since the shooting, no longer than she needed to be anyways. And settling into bed next to Lexa at the end of the day felt oddly natural.

 

“No, but you have been thinking about it ever since the meeting.” Lexa lied down on her side, looking at Clarke. “It was bad enough the last time, it will be much worse now.”

 

“I know.” Clarke nodded. “But Lexa, this is our best shot right now. I can do more on the inside in the few minutes I get than we can from the outside.”

 

She chose not to respond to her, “We’re not talking about this…I can’t.”

 

“Fine.” Clarke said with a reluctant nod. “For now.”

 

Lexa only sighed, bringing herself closer to Clarke as she placed an arm around her.

 

.

 

The next day was long and tiring, there was more news from Arkadia, none of which were good. Pike was killing more Grounders but he was doing it quietly. What made things worse was that Lexa still had no way of getting inside. She had received numerous scout reports, all stating the same things about Skaikru. Important things Lexa picked up from it were: less than half the people were trained to fight, there was a curfew for everyone other than the guards on night duty, and the gates did not open even once. It seemed like the only way to get inside was by having someone on the inside open the gates. But that meant having to rely heavily on what Kane and Abby could do, and they all knew that wasn't enough.

 

It was a surprise – Clarke questioned whether it was a pleasant one – when King Roan showed up. They needed everyone they could get right now to formulate a plan of attack so Lexa didn't see anything wrong with it. And since Roan was a highly trained warrior, he would be useful when they did attack; they knew that having someone as important as him leading a troop would be more effective than one of the generals.

 

“Unless they open the gates, there isn't much we can do.” Roan pointed out the same thing later that day.

 

“But it's only getting worse Heda.” Someone from the table called out. “Skaikru is killing our warriors now and you’re not doing anything to stop it.”

 

Silence fell immediately, eyes moving back and forth between Lexa and the general two seats away from Clarke. She tilted her chin up, looking at him with a steely glare. “Are you questioning how I plan to attack them?”

 

He remained silent for a moment before quietly answering, “Yes.”

 

Lexa only crossed her arms across her chest and leaned back into her chair. “Tell me then,” She started. “What would you do if you were in my place?”

 

“Attack.” He replied instantly.

 

“How?” Lexa asked calmly. “They're gates are almost as strong as Mt. Weather’s, the fences are charged, and we have no contact with anyone inside who is willing to help us.” She told him. “Not to mention, even if we _did_ have contact with inside Arkadia, there is nothing that guarantees us entry considering the people willing to help are virtually powerless.”

 

He fell silent, not having an answer for her.

 

“The only thing we _can_ do right now,” Roan started. “Is get close enough to Arkadia so we can contact the people inside and get the gates open; or…” He paused, looking at Clarke and then back at Lexa, “Wanheda goes inside, talks to the Chancellor and if possible, figures out a way to open the gates for our army.”

 

.

 

Roan was right, that was their only option right now and despite Lexa not wanting Clarke to do so, she knew she couldn't stop her. She had opted to talk more about getting Kane to open the gate from the inside because, once they were close enough, they could contact him from outside Arkadia and it might work. Either way, it was a better plan than the alternative, which was to send Clarke in to talk to Pike because Lexa knew there was no way the Chancellor would surrender.

 

Clarke had fallen asleep soon after getting to bed, she was tired and it wasn't the easiest thing to plan an attack on your own people. Lexa was exhausted and the bullet wound still hurt, and despite being worried about the upcoming war, with Clarke safely next to her, it hadn't taken her long to fall asleep either. But it wasn't long before she was woken up, no more than a couple of hours. Lexa had shifted in her sleep, reaching out to Clarke's side to place her arm around her. But the only thing that she found was the cold bed sheet.

 

“Clarke?” She asked, before slowly sitting up. Lexa looked around, letting her eyes adjust to the dim lit room before noticing a figure standing at the balcony. _Clarke_. It took more effort than Lexa wanted to admit to get herself out of bed, her body protesting every movement as she finally stood up straight. Clarke didn’t respond to her, she probably hadn’t even heard her, Lexa realized as she took small, measured steps to her.

 

“Clarke,” She almost whispered as she stepped up behind her, finally getting her attention. Lexa watched as Clarke brought a hand up to her face, wiping away a tear before turning her head to look at her.

 

“Hey,” Clarke breathed out, her voice coming out in a rasp as she looked at Lexa and gave her a small smile. “Did I wake you?” She asked as Lexa stepped closer, wrapping her arms around her from behind.

 

“Are you okay?” Lexa’s voice was still heavy with sleep and she was hurting to keep herself standing up but she needed to make sure Clarke was alright.

 

“I don’t know.” Clarke sighed, leaning forward against the railing instead of Lexa.

 

“Is this about Arkadia?” She asked, thinking she already knew the answer but being surprised when Clarke shook her head.

 

“Well, yes.” Clarke corrected herself. “But it’s not just that.”

 

“Then what is it?” Lexa asked gently.

 

“Everything.” She replied. “I don’t know Lex,” Clarke sighed. “It’s just…everything. I can’t really take it anymore.” She turned slightly to look at Lexa. “There’s the whole thing with Arkadia, and…there’s you.” Clarke bit down on her lower lip, slowly shaking her head because, yes, she was still worried about Lexa. As much as everyone was starting to realize no good could come from questioning Lexa, there were still people who weren’t too happy with how she was handling things. Not only that but she still hasn’t recovered; Clarke knows she has to fight with her army but it won’t be easy given her condition. And this will also make her more vulnerable to the enemy.

 

“Me?”

 

Clarke nodded. “You still haven’t recovered completely. I don’t know how you’re going to fight.”

 

“I’ll be fine, Clarke.” Lexa tried to reassure her.

 

She only raised an eyebrow, turning to face her. “You can barely get yourself out of bed.”

 

Choosing not to reply to that, Lexa changed the subject. “What do you want to do about Arkadia?”

 

“What I want right now doesn’t matter really, does it?” Clarke asked rhetorically, she wasn’t angry at Lexa about it, no, she couldn’t be, after everything they were doing, it was expected by now. “I just…there’s still people there who I care about and…”

 

“Not everyone is going to die Clarke.” Lexa tried.

 

“I know…but…my mom, she’s is all I have left.” Clarke bit down on her lower lip, trying to fight the tears which were threatening to spill. She was doing her best to not think about Arkadia now because she knew there wasn’t anything she could do to stop it. And a part of Clarke didn’t want to, this was Pike’s fault; he was the reason behind this mess, if her mom or Kane had been elected Chancellor, it would’ve never gotten this bad. Clarke realized it was also the people’s fault, they were the ones who elected Pike after all. “I just need all of this to be over.” She finally spoke. “I need a break from everything, I can’t do this anyone.”

 

Lexa could hear the crack in Clarke’s voice as she brought her arms up, wrapping them around her and pulling her into a hug. “It’s going to be alright.” She tried to comfort her as Clarke buried her face in the crook of her neck. “It’ll be over soon Clarke.” Lexa remained silent for a moment. “I promise you, no harm will come to your _nomon_.”

 

Clarke let out a small sigh, although she hadn’t thought Lexa would purposely cause harm to her mom, she knew this was war. And people die. But Lexa promising that she would make it out of this unharmed made Clarke feel at least a little bit better.

 

“ _Em ste gon laik ait_ ”

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

Translations:

 ** _Fai stedaun, Heda_** – five dead, commander

 ** _En emo gon frag op mou_**. – and they are killing more

 ** _Fai gona?_** – five warriors?

 ** _Sha, Heda_** **.** – yes commander

 ** _En mou_** **.** – and more

 ** _nomon_** **.** – mother

 ** _Em ste gon laik ait_** – it is going to be alright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah, that's that. i kinda rushed it. but at least i got it up. and thanks for reading, let me know what you thought and i hope this chapter was enough to kinda help make up for the fact that i won't be updating for a while. in the mean time, maybe send me some prompts on tumblr? stuff i can get to when i'm back? (k17l53.tumblr.com)


	6. Arkadia isn't home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a bit more of war planning, a little bit of Arkadia (with Abby not Pike). And there's a lot of clexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally an update, yay (if anyone's still reading that is). just like my soulmate au, my writing might be a bit off on this coz it's been a while since i last write. but about 70% of this is clexa (the other 30% is arkadia and more war planning), so i'm hoping that helps.
> 
> the 30% is at the start and as much as i care about the story, i care about clexa a lot more. i'm still trying to figure out what to do with jaha and the CoL. i haven't watched the show since 307, so i know very little about the chips and whatnot, so what i wrote probably isn't 100% accurate compared to the show. but there's clexa, and there's a bit of that hurt/comfort thing i'm a sucker for. and i promise there's going to be a lot more clexa in the later chapters, i'm just trying to deal with the other stuff now so i can do that.

It had been two days and they still had no way of getting inside Arkadia. The number of dead Grounders was only increasing with every passing day. Lexa wasn’t having the easiest time dealing with the other clans because they all wanted to attack; she did too, but it wouldn’t be smart going in without a clear plan, not just yet. And to make matters worse, scout reports came back this morning saying how Kane had been arrested. There was still no word of the others but Clarke and Lexa had a feeling that they wouldn’t be able to help right now.

 

“I think we should march for Arkadia.” Lexa said later that day, causing everyone at the table to look at her questioningly.

 

“And do what?” Clarke asked.

 

“Just us being there might be enough to intimidate the enemy enough to slow them down.” Lexa replied, speaking to the entire table. “Even if it is only for a little while, it will give us time to finalize the attack plans.” Despite not having a way in just yet, they had formulated a plan of attack and thought it over carefully. Now if they could only figure out how to get behind the gates of Arkadia, the plan would be complete.

 

“And once we are ready,” Roan said in response, “We will be closer to the army so it’ll take less time to actually attack.” He looked at Lexa, who gave him an approving nod.

 

The meeting ended later that night, Lexa ordering to prepare the army for tomorrow because they would ride at sunrise. Although most of the army was around Arkadia, there was still a small one remaining at Polis; half of whom would go with Lexa tomorrow and the other half would remain to protect the city just in case something went wrong. The remaining generals at Polis would also be going with her tomorrow; there was no need for them by Arkadia now because up until now, this was only just a blockade.

 

* * *

 

After Kane had been arrested, Abby and Sinclair decided to take a step back from trying to help the Grounders. They’re not really sure how, but Pike had gotten word of the fact that Kane was planning on doing something against him. This also meant Pike was keeping a close eye on the rest of them, so it wouldn’t be easy trying to explain to him why Raven was making new radios; radios which couldn’t even be used with the ones they had now. But Abby figured there was still another issue which they needed to address; Jaha’s City of Light chips. And to make matters worse, Jaha was still very much determined to get as many people as he could to take the chip.

 

In the last two days, Abby had made some progress on it. Her and Sinclair figured it was too good to be true; a miracle pill that takes away literally any kind of pain without a side effect? No, now that’s just not possible. Only, so far, they knew of one side effect, memory loss; something Abby had noticed when she was talking to Jaha about the chip a few days ago. And if the chip could target pain receptors, what was to say that they couldn’t _cause_ pain as well? It probably wasn’t the safest thing having a silicon-based chip inside your body which could erase your memory, interrupt pain receptors and stop certain neural pathways. But given how Abby knew the people of Arkadia to be, she didn’t see a point in trying to tell them about the unknown risks.

 

Abby had managed to get a couple of chips; one which she had gotten from Jaha, another from Sinclair and the last from Jasper who had taken one from Jaha but hadn’t used it. She and Sinclair had been trying to find a way to stop it from working and it was only a couple of hours ago that they realized by passing a large enough voltage through it, they could possibly fry the circuit. Although it required a moderately high voltage, a low current seemed to work; so if something went wrong with one of the people who had taken it, they could stop the chip from working without causing too much damage to the body. But while experimenting on the chips, they also realized that there was no real way of telling whether their method was actually working or not; since the outside of the chips were silicon, it wouldn’t melt or start to smoke but Abby and Sinclair could only hope that the insides were fried.

 

“Let’s just hope nothing does go wrong,” Abby said to him as she put away the chip they were working on. “We don’t need anything more on our hands and I don’t know whether this is actually going to work.”

 

* * *

 

“I can’t let you go in.” Lexa told her later that night. “They took you prisoner last time, what do you think they are going to do now?”

 

Clarke looked at Lexa who was sitting on the edge of the bed, undoing her braids as she made her way to her. “You know not everyone played a part in what Pike is doing, right?” She asked, running a hand through her hair which was still damp from her bath as she sat down on the bed next to Lexa.

 

Lexa nodded, she knew Clarke was right. But after all, it _was_ the majority of the people in Arkadia who supported him and what he was doing.

 

“Then let me go in, give them a chance to surrender.” Clarke tried.

 

“If you want, I can send in one of my men to ask them to surrender,” Lexa replied, not looking at Clarke as she pulled her fingers through her braids, trying to undo them but not getting too far with it.

 

“Let me.” Clarke muttered, moving closer as Lexa’s hands came down and Clarke brought her’s up to Lexa’s hair. “And no, you can’t.” She told her, her fingers working through the braids and undoing them. “You know they’re going to kill anyone you send before they even get the chance to say something.”

 

Lexa remained silent for a moment before speaking. “I know.” She paused again, feeling Clarke’s hand running through her now-free hair. “But I can’t risk sending you inside Clarke.” Lexa paused, turning around to look at her.

 

Clarke didn’t reply, only moved further into the bed, resting her back against the headboard. She waited for Lexa to move closer, lying down with her head on her lap as she shook her head. “Please, I have to at least try and save those who are innocent.” Clarke tried. “They are my people.”

 

“I know.” Lexa almost whispered. “I can’t lose you Clarke.” She told her. “Things weren’t this bad the last time you went to Arkadia…and you hadn’t been here that long either.” Lexa paused. “But you were still taken prisoner by someone you thought was a friend. You know what the Chancellor would’ve done to you if it wasn’t for Octavia.” She turned to lie on her back, looking straight up at Clarke. “Do you think he’s going to let you say a single word before you end up in handcuffs?”

 

She remained silent for a moment, knowing very well that Lexa had a point. “But I have to try.”

 

“Clarke, they will kill you this time.” Lexa argued, bringing herself to sit up straight. “You are no better to them than I am.” She didn’t want to think about it, think about what Pike would do to Clarke if he managed to get to her. It wouldn’t be pretty, that’s for sure; he wouldn’t see her as anything but another Grounder and by now it was clear as to what he wanted to do to them. Clarke wouldn’t be safe behind Arkadia’s walls, she wasn’t last time, and she certainly wouldn’t be this time. At least last time she had sneaked in thanks to Octavia but now if she wanted to ask them to surrender, Clarke would have to walk in through the front gates. And Pike’s men would probably arrest her the moment she stepped foot inside. “You’ve been living in Polis, with who is supposed to be your enemy because of everything that is going on right now.” Lexa continued, although her voice calm, there was a hint of panic in it which she was trying to hide as she tried to reason with Clarke. “And then there’s us…” She spoke again, this time sounding quiet and unsure. “If they know that we…” Lexa trailed off, not knowing what to say because her and Clarke hadn’t really talked about what… _this_ was. And she figured Clarke’s people wouldn’t be too thrilled to hear about them.

 

“They don’t now about us.” Clarke said in response.

 

“Do you think it will take them long to find out?”

 

Clarke shrugged, “Possibly. I mean, they _did_ elect Pike as their chancellor despite knowing what he wanted to do so…I think it’s safe to say they’re not the smartest people out there.” She tried to make light of the conversation, looking at Lexa hopefully.

 

The corners of her lips tugged up slightly, the faintest hint of a smile on her lips as she replied, “You’re not wrong.”

 

“So what do you say?” Clarke asked after a moment. “Let me go in?”

 

“If that is what you want, yes.” Lexa replied reluctantly, clearly there was no talking her out of this. “I will never tell you what to do Clarke.” She stated simply. “I _will_ try to stop you from getting yourself in dangerous situations but I will never make you do something you don’t want to.”

 

Clarke nodded slowly, leaning forward slightly as she pressed her lips to Lexa’s for a short but soft kiss.

 

“And I will do everything I can to protect you.” Lexa said once they pulled away. Clarke nodded to it before she continued. “Or at least try to because given the circumstances, I don’t think it will be of much use.” She paused for a moment, noticing how Clarke was waiting for her to continue. “You will have at least two guards accompanying you.”

 

It didn’t sound like a question this time and Clarke realized she sounded more _Commander_ than _Lexa_ right now. So she nodded, realizing that it was reasonable.

 

“And you will carry a weapon,” Lexa continued. “A sword, maybe a dagger, whichever you are comfortable with.” She’s not really sure why she wanted that because it’s very likely the people inside Arkadia will take it off her once she’s inside.

 

Clarke nodded in response before speaking, “I’ll need a few days inside.”

 

“Few days?” Lexa asked, almost in disbelief.

 

“If I manage to talk to Pike,” She explained. “It will take me some time to figure things out.”

 

Lexa thought over it for a few seconds, a couple of hours was more than enough time for Pike to hurt Clarke if he wanted to. “I can’t convince you to make it a couple of hours, can I?” She asked, already knowing the answer.

 

Clarke shook her head slowly. “It won’t be enough time.”

 

“Fine,” She nodded reluctantly. “Two days, no more than that. And if you’re not out by then, I will attack.” Lexa told her matter-of-factly.

 

“Okay,” Clarke said with a single nod, “Now come on,” She said, moving to lie down. “You need to rest.” Lexa followed. “I don’t know how you’re going to ride all the way to Arkadia tomorrow.”

 

.

 

It hadn’t been more than a few hours since they had gone to bed. Lexa had been quiet for a while now and Clarke assumed she was asleep when she suddenly spoke, “Clarke?”

 

It was only above a whisper and Clarke remained quiet for a moment before replying, “I thought you were asleep.”

 

“I’m sorry.” Lexa told her.

 

“For what?” Clarke asked, slightly confused, not sure what Lexa was talking about.

 

“For before.” She replied. “I wasn’t trying to force you to stay, I would never ask you to do anything you didn’t want to.” Lexa waited for Clarke to reply, when she didn’t, Lexa turned on her side to face her and continued quietly. “I’m just trying to keep you safe.”

 

Clarke studied her face for a moment, noticing how Lexa sounded hesitant and almost afraid that Clarke might be angry at her for it. “I know.” She muttered quietly, before shaking her head at herself. “You have nothing to apologize for.” Clarke sighed. “You seem to be the only one who actually cares about what happens to me.”

 

Lexa furrowed her brows slightly, giving her a confused look, “What are you talking about?”

 

“It’s all my fault.” Clarke replied matter-of-factly with a small shrug, looking away from Lexa, almost like she wasn’t even talking to her anymore. “Everything that happened, everything that went wrong was because I left.”

 

It was hard not to miss her lips quivering or to hear the crack in her voice as she finished the sentence. “That’s not true.” Lexa told her quietly as she moved closer to put her arms around Clarke.

 

“It is,” Clarke only shook her head, fighting back the tears as she gave into Lexa and moved slightly to place her head on her chest. Letting out a shaky breath, she continued. “They’re right, it is my fault. There’s so much I could’ve stopped if I hadn’t left.”

 

“They’re not your responsibility.” Lexa tried.

 

“They are,” Clarke disagreed. “Do you see what happens when anyone else is in charge?”

 

She let out a small sigh; as much as Lexa didn’t want to admit it, Clarke was right about this, “They can’t expect you to fix everything.” Her arms tightened around Clarke, trying to comfort her. “You’re trying,” She whispered into her hair, remaining quiet for a moment, “Are you worried about going back?”

 

“Yes.” Her answer came instantly. “Everyone is angry at me; myy friends hate me for leaving after Mt. Weather, everyone else in Arkadia hates me because they think I chose the grounders over my own people, and then there’s Pike who probably thinks we’ve been planning a war all this time and I’ve been helping you.”

 

“Well…” Lexa started, trailing off hesitantly because that is exactly what they have been doing the past few days.

 

“Now, yes.” Clarke nodded, “But before…all of this, before the massacre, before Ice Nation at Mt. Weather, before…” She fell silent, taking a moment to continue. “Before I almost lost you.”

 

“I’m right here.” Lexa reassured her.

 

“I could have stopped all of that. If I hadn’t lef-”

 

“None of this was your fault.” Lexa stopped her. “Whatever happened after you left, it wasn’t your fault.” She tried again, speaking slowly this time and trying to get the words to reach Clarke.

“If I stayed…if I wasn’t weak and just strong enough put up with it-” Clarke’s voice began to crack as Lexa interrupted her again.

 

“No, no, no.” She shook her head, speaking more quietly this time. “You’re not weak for leaving, Clarke. After what you had to do at Mt. Weather, weak is the last thing you are.” She replied carefully, knowing that this was still troubled water for the two of them. “And you had no way of knowing what would’ve happened.” Lexa paused for a moment, letting the room fall silent before speaking again, “After what happened, I understand why you had to leave. And no one back home can blame you for taking care of yourself.”

 

“Arkadia isn’t home.” Clarke let out a deep breath. “I don’t think it ever was.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, thanks for sticking around to read it coz i haven't updated in such a long time, and thanks for all the comments on the previous chapters, they mean a lot.   
> let me know what you thought of this one, hopefully it wasn't too bad.


	7. At this point, she’s more Grounder than one of us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke makes her way to Arkadia and does not get a warm welcome. Lexa's worried. And Pike is a dick...also Bellamy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I planned on updating this fic like a week ago so i'm really sorry about that. it's a pretty long chapter so i hope that kinda makes up for that and idk why but i think my writing's a little off with this one.   
> it's mostly all in/around arkadia and lexa's really worried about clarke. and well, bellamy and pike are dicks to her. but the story's moving forward and that means i'm that much closer to dealing with pike and all the skydicks.

“Are you sure about this?” Lexa asked Clarke.

 

They had arrived outside of Arkadia not too long ago, the army had set up camp a little behind the blockade and a tent was already set up for their Commander. Clarke was sitting on the small bed in the corner and Lexa was leaning against the table as she looked at the blonde almost anxiously. It had been a quiet ride from Polis and the two of them hadn’t had the chance to talk much since the previous night; Clarke was doing her best to avoid having to talk about how she felt right now and Lexa had a lot to do today so she didn’t have much time to herself to talk to her.

 

“No,” Clarke replied honestly; she could feel Lexa’s eyes on her and did her best to not look at her.

 

“Then don’t go.” Lexa tried again taking a step towards her, almost surprised by how desperate she sounded.

 

“I have to.” She told her calmly.

 

“You don’t.” Lexa shook her head, sitting down next to her. “They’re not your responsibility Clarke.”

 

“I do.” Clarke sighed; they’d already had this conversation last night and Clarke knew why Lexa was worried…and she also knew Lexa was right in worrying because there was a very good chance things wouldn’t go the way she wanted it to. There weren’t too many people inside Arkadia who were too happy with Clarke – well, barely any – and the people in charge especially wouldn’t want to hear anything she had to say.

 

Lexa watched her for a moment, trying to think of something to say that might change her mind. Instead, she let out a small sigh, knowing very well it would be of no use; Clarke had made up her mind. “I can’t lose you, Clarke; it’s not safe for you inside.” Lexa tried but in no vain. “Promise me you’ll be careful,” She added with a sigh.

 

“I will,” Clarke nodded. “And I will come back.” She tried to reassure her but if the look on Lexa’s face was anything to go by, it wasn’t working. “I will.” Clarke whispered, bringing her hand up to Lexa cheek. “I’ll be back.”

 

Lexa let out a shaky breath, closing the distance between them and softly pressing her lips against Clarke’s. She couldn’t stop them from quivering because as much as she hated to admit it, Lexa knew there was a very good chance Clarke wouldn’t be coming back. “Two days.” She said after they broke apart, leaning her forehead against Clarke’s. “No more than that.”

 

“I know.” Clarke nodded against her, going silent for a moment before speaking again. “I love you, okay,” _And I need you to know that in case I don’t get to say it to you again_. She pulled away, the two of them moving away.

 

“I love you too.” Lexa almost hesitated; this felt final, like they wouldn’t get the chance to say it to the other again. That was the last thing she wanted to even think about, they were both so close, they had fought so hard to get to where they were now. But this, _Arkadia_ …this could take all of that away from them, this could take Clarke away from her. “Now come on,” Her voice returned to normal as she stood up, telling herself she needed to be strong for Clarke right now and held out her hand for her. “We should get you inside before it gets dark.”

 

Clarke only nodded, taking Lexa’s hand and standing up. The two of them walked out of the tent together in silence, not having anything else to say right now as they made their way to where a group of soldiers were waiting. Clarke didn’t think it would be any help to have anyone accompany her inside Arkadia, if anything; it would just get them killed. And although Lexa knew that, there was no way she was letting her go in alone. Two of the soldiers stepped forward as they saw Lexa approaching; a woman no more than a couple of years older than Lexa, and younger man with a boyish face.

 

“Are you sure it’s smart to take both of them with me?” Clarke asked quietly, leaning towards Lexa to speak into her ear before they were within earshot of the group.

 

“Yes.” Lexa replied simply as they continued walking.

 

“They’re just going to get killed.” Clarke reminded her, stopping suddenly. “I can’t have any more blood on my hands.”

 

Lexa let out a small sigh, she knew Clarke was right, yes, there was no way they would let Grounders walk inside Arkadia with her. “Fine.” She agreed. “But they will accompany you up to the gates.” Lexa paused, waiting for Clarke to respond. “Is that alright?” She gave Lexa a single nod, continuing to follow her as they walked up to the two soldiers. Lexa introduced the two of them to Clarke – she didn’t really catch their names, Clarke couldn’t make herself pay attention to anything right now – and told them what they were to do. They only gave her a small nod, no expression on their faces, acknowledging what their Commander had just said.

 

Clarke didn’t want a goodbye, the _I love you_ inside their tent was hard enough and she just wanted to hold on to the little bit of hope she had that she would get to come back to Lexa. But just as she was about to step away, Lexa grabbed her arm only to receive a questioning look from Clarke, “Wait.” Lexa watched her quietly for a moment before looking away and reaching down to the holster strapped on her thigh. She unstrapped the dagger and pulled it out; running her thumb over the flat of the familiar blade, she looked up at Clarke again. Lexa nodded towards her dagger, asking Clarke to take it.

 

“I can’t take that.” Clarke told her, realizing for the first time how close she was standing to her. She knew this was _Lexa’s_ _dagger_ and although she wasn’t sure why, Clarke knew it was special to her; she’s barely ever seen her without it.

 

“Please.” Lexa breathed out.

 

Hesitantly, she brought her hand up, taking it from Lexa before strapping it into her belt. “You might not get it back.” Clarke told her.

 

Lexa gave her a nod knowingly. “It’s been with me through a lot,” She started. “And it’s kept me safe.” _So I hope this is enough because there’s not much I can do right now_.

 

“I’ll do my best to get it back to you.” Clarke said lightly – well, she tried to say it lightly – giving her a small smile.

 

“As long as you get back, it doesn’t matter.” Lexa returned her smile as she felt tears stinging the back of her eyes, her hands going to rest on Clarke’s arms before leaning forward to kiss her forehead.

 

Clarke didn’t say anything, didn’t trust herself to without crying, so she just nodded, taking a step back from her.

 

.

 

The walk to Arkadia felt longer than it really was, Clarke worrying about what it would be like once she reached the gates. Would they even let her in? Would the shooters have her dead even _before_ she reached the gates? Or would they kill her the moment she stepped inside? Her thoughts came to a halt as they made their way through the blockade and caught a glimpse of the gates. It didn’t take long for Clarke to realize guns had gone up behind the walls of Arkadia as she walked up to them. “That’s far enough.” She looked back at the two soldiers Lexa had sent with her. But neither of them seemed to. “They will shoot if you come any closer. Please.” Once they stopped walking, Clarke raised her arms up, continuing to walk forward. “It’s me.” She called out to the guards. “You can put the guns down, no one else is coming but me.” There was a hint of bitterness in her voice, she tried to hide it but it didn’t really work.

 

Clarke walked up until she was within a couple of feet of the gates, waiting for them to open. “Are you letting me in or what?” She called out against. It took a moment before they finally opened and Clarke began to lower her arms.

 

“Keep ‘em up.” She heard a familiar voice say – more like order – as three men walked out to her.

 

“Bell,” Clarke breathed out, forgetting for a moment what he had asked her to do. A familiar face was better than an unfamiliar one right now (despite what had happened the last time she saw him).

 

“I said keep ‘em up.” He barked out, walking up to her with his gun drawn.

 

“Bell, it’s me.” She tried, doing as she was told. Yes, things went… _badly_ last time she had seen him and it would take a while before Clarke could put that behind her but at the same time, she knew she had a better chance with him than any of Pike’s other guards.

 

He didn’t seem to have even heard her; holding his gun up as one of the other men – someone Clarke didn’t recognize – stepped up to her, patting her down for weapons. It wasn’t long before he found Lexa’s dagger. Pulling it out, he gave Clarke a once over before turning back to Bellamy and handing it to him. “It’s nice.” Bellamy said to Clarke as he studied the blade. “Gift from the Commander?” He asked bitterly, watching as his man handcuffed Clarke and walked her to him.

 

“I need to talk to Pike.” She said to him calmly as the man behind her pushed her to walk, following Bellamy inside. “The Grounders are not happy with him killing their people _for no reason_.” Clarke continued once Bellamy didn’t reply. “And Lex- the Commander won’t stand for it any longer.” That sounded too much like a threat, Clarke realized once she had said it.

 

“Lexa, huh?” Bellamy asked, not really paying attention to her as they continued walking. “Are you on a first name basis with those savages now?”

 

“ _Savages?_ ” _You are the ones who are killing them…for no reason and they are the savages?_ She reminded herself to stay calm, getting angry wasn’t going to get her anywhere right now. “Well the savages are giving you a chance to surrender before they attack.”

 

“Surrender?” He asked with an amused smile, leading them into a new block of Arkadia Clarke didn’t recognize. “Like hell we will.”

 

“It’s not your call to make.” Clarke reminded him. “I need to talk to Pike.”

 

“He’s too busy to talk to the Commander’s pet right now.” Bellamy said in response. “He has more important things to do.”

 

_Yes_ , Bellamy’s comment hit a nerve but Clarke quickly forgot about it when she realized where they were. “What is this, a prison?” She asked, trying to hide the panic in her voice as she noticed the rows of cells on either sides of her. “Wait, Bell, you can’t put me here.” Clarke tried as he stopped in front of an empty cell.

 

“Where else am I supposed to put a traitor like you Clarke?” He asked rhetorically, unlocking the door and motioning for the man behind Clarke to put her inside.

 

“Please Bellamy, I need to talk to Pike, this is important.” She almost pleaded.

 

“You don’t get to just walk in here after _abandoning_ us and decide what to do.” He said angrily, watching Clarke resist against the guard as he put her in restraints inside the cell.

 

“I didn’t _abandon_ you.” She tried. “I-”

 

“You what?” Bellamy spat out. “You needed space so you decided it was okay to just get up and leave?” He didn’t give her a chance to respond. “But I guess you didn’t need much space because soon enough you were in Polis…instead of Arkadia.” He paused. “With the Grounders. With their Commander.”

 

“There isn’t going to be an Arkadia if Lexa attacks.” Clarke told him, disregarding most of what he had just said. “And Pike is the only one who can prevent that, please I need to talk t-”

 

“Why do you know what Lexa’s going to do?” He asked suspiciously, standing across from Clarke. Bellamy waited a moment as realization dawned on him, “You know what she’s going to do.” He stated. “Stay with her.” He turned to the other guard. “I’m going to get Pike,” With that, Bellamy bolted; if Clarke was close enough to the Commander to know about how they were going to attack or even when, Pike would want to know; this could be helpful for them.

 

It didn’t take Bellamy long to make his way to Pike’s office and tell him about Clarke. He seemed to be surprised to hear that she was even back. But once Bellamy told him that she was only here to ask them to surrender, Pike wasn’t surprised anymore.

 

“If she knows anything, I’ll get it out of her.” Pike said to Bellamy as he got up from his chair, grabbed his shock-baton and marched out the room.

 

“Sir I don’t think that’s necessary.” Bellamy responded, noticing the baton; by now, he knew how Pike liked to go about things. It was usually violent and although he was mad at Clarke, Bellamy didn’t want her to be on the receiving end of it.

 

“She has been living with the Grounders.” He reminded her. “Not only did she leave her people behind.” Pike continued. “Clarke refused to come back home with us, choosing to stay with those barbarians.” He looked at Bellamy, watching him nod before continuing. “Not only that, but she had the chance to come back with Octavia, _now_ , while her people were in danger. But did she?” He asked rhetorically. “No, she stayed there, with _them_. At this point, she’s more Grounder than one of us.” A few seconds passed in silence, the two of them continuing to walk. “So don’t tell me what’s necessary and what’s not. If she knows anything about the Grounders that might help us, _anything at all_ , I will get it out of her one way or another.”

 

.

 

This was getting nowhere, Lexa sighed as she looked around the table at her generals. They still didn’t have a way inside and no one seemed to have any idea as to how they could get through the doors. She wasn’t holding onto much hope for Clarke getting Pike to surrender and in exactly 48 hours, they would need to be inside Arkadia.

 

“What happens if one of us walks up to the gate?” Someone at the table asked.

 

“They shoot you from inside.” Came a response. “They won’t open the gates just for one of us.”

 

“Can’t we break it down?” Roan asked. “Or get in through the fences? They don’t look too strong.”

 

“They aren’t.” Lexa agreed. “But as Clarke said, they’re electrically charged, no one’s getting through.” She paused. “And we might be able to break down the gate, but it will take too long, and by then the shooters will kill anyone trying to get through.”

 

“But we need a way in,” Another voice responded.

 

“And what do you think we’re trying to figure out?” Roan asked sarcastically, almost annoyed. “There is no other way in Commander.” He turned to Lexa. “We have to try and break the gates down.”

 

Lexa thought about it for a moment before nodding slowly. “Get a group of your men ready.” She turned to one of her generals. “Two days, then we break the gates down; it will require quite a few men, but we don’t have any other choice right now.” It wasn’t the smartest decision, Lexa knew that; it would get more men killed than necessary, the shooters inside the wall will start shooting the moment they see anyone approaching. But right now, that was the only thing they could do; and no one would question her on this, everyone could see this was the only way forward right now.

 

.

 

_This is not good_. Clarke thought to herself, looking around the mostly-dark cell. Her hands were shackled to the wall, allowing her to move no more than a couple of feet from it. Whatever was about to happen now, it wasn’t going to be any good. Lexa was right; Pike doesn’t even want to hear what she was to say right now. They don’t trust her, Bellamy wouldn’t even look her in the eye, everyone else here sees her as just another Grounder and nothing else; there was no way Clarke was going to get Pike to surrender.

 

“So, the Grounders want us to surrender, huh?” Pike asked as he walked up to Clarke’s cell, bringing her out of her thoughts. “And the Commander sent her pet in to negotiate with me?”

 

“Listen to me,” She started, doing her best to keep herself calm despite what Pike had just said. “The Army of the 12 clans is outside those gates.” Clarke told him. “And I don’t know if you’ve taken a look outside, but it’s _huge_.” She waited for a response but Pike only stood outside her cell, unmoving. “So when they attack, there won’t be much of Arkadia left for you to lead.”

 

“So you’re threatening me now?” Pike asked, stepping inside with Bellamy trailing close behind him.

 

“No, I’m giving you a chance to save yourself. And your people.”

 

“‘ _Your people_ ’” He quoted. “Not ‘ _our people’._ ” Pike turned to Bellamy. “See? What did I say? More Grounder than one of us.”

 

Clarke let out a frustrated sigh. “That is not what I meant.”

 

“Sounded like it.” Pike said with a small shrug, taking a step towards Clarke as Bellamy nodded in agreement. “And Bellamy here tells me you know when they’re planning on attacking.” He pulled out the shock baton slowly and deliberately from his holster. “Not only that, but given how you’ve spent more time with their Commander than with your own people since reaching the ground, I’d like to think you know them well enough to help me out here.” He pressed the button on the button for only a moment before turning it off again. “Like you said, the Army of the 12 Clans, they’re big. So I can use all the help I can get to keep _my people_ safe.”

 

“You’ve done an _amazing_ job so far.” Yeah, maybe she shouldn’t have said that out loud right now.

 

“Funny.” Pike replied with a smile.

 

Clarke watched him carefully for a moment, not really sure what he was about to do when suddenly something hit her side; it was Pike’s shock baton. She tried to step away from it but he only pushed forward and about a second later, Pike finally stepped away. “What the hell?” She asked, trying to catch her breath as her hands went to where the baton had been only a moment ago.

 

“I don’t want funny.” Pike stated seriously. “I need you tell me what you know about them. Like when they’re going to attack, and how they plan on attacking.” He explained slowly. “Anything and everything you know about them,”

 

“I don’t know anything.” Clarke replied, the words hadn’t left her mouth completely before she was screaming out in pain again.

 

“Just tell us what we need to know Clarke.” Bellamy said a moment later. “And you won’t get hurt.”

 

“So you’re just going to stand here and let him do this?” Her voice rose in anger, unable to stop herself.

 

“The Grounders are not worth it.” He added, pretending to have not heard what she had just said.

 

“I would listen to your friend here if I were you.” Pike spoke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah...Lexa's not gonna be too happy about what's going on in there. not at all.   
> anyways, i hope it was a decent enough chapter and please let me know what you thought, comments are always great.


	8. On your command, Heda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been two days since Clarke went into Arkadia....and Lexa's not happy when she finally finds her. There's protective!Lexa and....well it's mostly just that and Clexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ended up getting really long so i had to split it. well i had to move a chunk of it into the next chapter (because that way i can have all the clexa hurt/comfort goodness in one chapter). this chapter has a bit of that too, because she's worried af about her. it's kind of a hurt/comfort + slight angst i guess chapter, so i enjoyed writing it. not too sure about the first bit tho, it feels a little off, but i think it gets better once lexa's inside arkadia. (and i like roan so i kinda bring him in every now and then also bellamy's a dick).

“On your command, Heda.” Roan said to her as they waited a little behind the gates of Arkadia with her army.

 

Lexa gave him a single nod before turning her head in the direction of the archers; she couldn’t see them clearly as they were closer to Arkadia than everyone else. Sometime yesterday, they had decided on distracting the guards inside Arkadia by shooting flaming arrows over the wall. Lexa hoped it would be enough to keep them distracted long enough for the rest of her men to break down the gates; it might not be enough but it was worth trying. Lexa would be going in with the first line of warriors; she needed to find Clarke as soon as possible. She was angry to say the least right now, and she knew anyone who stood in her way would regret it; Clarke had been inside for two days, and given that Lexa hadn’t heard anything, she had to assume she was either in captivity… _or worse_.

 

The last two days had been long…very long, and a part of Lexa was almost glad that she had things to do to keep herself busy. She was worried about Clarke to say the least and the longer she went without hearing from her, the angrier Lexa got – not at Clarke, no, at the people of Arkadia, namely their Chancellor. All she knew right now was that nothing mattered as much as getting Clarke back; yes, that was probably not the best state of mind to be in right now given their situation, but they were attacking Arkadia after all and she’d be damned to not make Clarke her top priority.

 

It wasn’t long before her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of gunshots and Lexa was pulled back into reality. “So we just burn everything in our path?” Roan asked casually, watching the archers.

 

“We do whatever is necessary.” Lexa replied calmly. “But we get the Chancellor alive, he does not get the honor of dying on the battlefield.”

 

He nodded in response, watching as archers got shot down one by one and the rest continued to fire wave after wave of arrows over the fence. They had talked this through more than once by now; Pike was to be brought in alive, it didn’t matter how many guards got killed, – or civilians – very few of Pike’s supporters were predicted to survive anyways and they were to be taken back to Polis where their fate would be decided, and the council members were either to be killed or taken back. As for everyone else, Lexa would leave a small army of her warriors behind to keep order until they figured out what to do with the remains of Arkadia.

 

.

 

By the time Lexa found her way to the cells’ block, adrenaline was rushing through her veins and there was blood covering most of her – most of it not her’s. Lexa’s pace slowed down, a small group of her men behind her, as she made her way through the hall. Looking into each cell as she walked down the hallway, it took Lexa a while until she noticed the cell with two guards stationed in front of it. The guns came out the moment they saw the Grounders, fingers ready on the trigger; but before they could even realize what was happening, Lexa’s men had their swords through them.

 

“ _GET AWAY FROM HER!_ ” The door to the cell flew open as she yelled to the figure standing next to Clarke and approached, her voice loud, intimidating, and authoritative.

 

The person standing next to Clarke spun around on his heel instantly at the sudden voice. It didn’t take Lexa long to recognize who it was; she’d recognize the face of the man who had stormed into her tower with a gun anywhere. Bellamy Blake stood next to Clarke with Lexa’s dagger in his hand, blood dripping down the blade; Clarke now had her hands restraint by chains coming down from the ceiling, which were probably the only things holding her upright, most of her shirt was gone and she seemed barely conscious right now. By the time it took for Bellamy to put the dagger away and pull out his gun, Lexa was already kicking his legs out from under him. It didn’t take much, no more than two well-placed kicks to have him almost squirming on the floor of the cell.

 

Nodding at her men to take Bellamy, she turned to Clarke, frantically reaching up at the cuffs holding her. “Keys.” Clarke breathed out a moment later. “In his pocket.”

 

Lexa only nodded at her, turning back to the two of her men who were now dragging Bellamy out of the cell. “Check his pocket for the keys.” Her voice almost surprised her, it sounded more composed than she was feeling at the moment. One of them patted him down for a moment before finding the keys and walked over with it, unlocking the cuffs holding Clarke. Her wrists being freed from the cuffs caused Clarke to almost collapse on the floor but Lexa caught her.

 

“I got you.” Lexa muttered to Clarke, her arms around her as she gently lowered both of them on the floor. “Clarke?” Lexa asked quietly, her voice soft and gentle, everything around her suddenly disappearing because nothing else mattered right now other than Clarke. “Hey, it’s me.” She tried again, her voice heavy with concern as she brought her hand up to Clarke’s face, pushing the hair away before gently brushing her thumb against Clarke’s cheek.

 

“Lexa?” She blinked a couple of times before looking up at her, sounding disoriented; almost like she didn’t even realize Lexa was here until just now.

 

“Yeah, I’m right here.” Lexa leaned closer, forgetting for a moment they weren’t alone as her nose touched Clarke’s temple before gently pressing kiss. “You’re okay.” She tried, needing to reassure herself more than Clarke right now. “I got you.” Lexa clenched her jaws, keeping herself together; she needed to do that right now. But Lexa was almost angry at herself for not getting to Clarke sooner; two days was way too long, she should’ve known that – she _did_ know that – she should’ve attacked in less than 24 hours. If she had, they wouldn’t have been able to hurt Clarke like this. “Can you walk?” Lexa asked after a moment.

 

“I think so,” Clarke replied, as Lexa began to help her up but it didn’t last long because she was collapsing before she was even completely up. “No, no, I can’t.” She tried to catch her breath as pain shot through her body.

 

“Okay,” Lexa replied with a nod, shrugging off her jacket before placing Clarke’s arm around her shoulder and standing up slowly, bringing Clarke up with her. She draped the jacket over her shoulders, watching her carefully for a moment.

 

Clarke let out a groan as she managed to stand up, putting all her weight on Lexa to keep herself up. She couldn’t really keep herself up, every inch of her was screaming with pain and Clarke’s not really sure what would’ve happened if Lexa hadn’t gotten to her.

 

“I’m getting you out of here.” Lexa told her, taking small steps out of the cell with Clarke. She called out to two of her soldiers, almost panicking as she realized about a handful of them had just seen her with Clarke. Clarke recognized the pair straight away; they were the same ones Lexa had accompanying Clarke to Arkadia two days ago. “Go with them, they will get you back to camp.” She told her as they stopped outside the cell.

 

“What about you?” Clarke asked, not loosening her grip on Lexa’s arm, unwilling to let go.

 

“I have stay.” She replied. “But you can’t.” Lexa added urgently but softly, bringing her hand up to Clarke’s chin, tilting her face up to look at her. “You need to go back, okay? That’s the only place you’ll be safe now.” She told her quietly, waiting for Clarke to nod before Lexa motioned to one of the two soldiers to take her. She shifted her weight from Lexa to the young warrior, doing her best to keep herself upright. “Get her back to my tent safely and make sure she sees a healer.” She instructed the two of them. “And if _anything_ happens to her, you answer to me.”

 

They nodded, beginning to walk away. Lexa let out a small sigh, watching Clarke for a moment before turning to Bellamy who had now been restraint by his hands behind him; he still had her dagger tucked into his belt. The anger was back on Lexa’s face as she stepped up to him, pulling it out, making him think she was going to stab him. “I would kill you right now but that would be too easy.” Lexa snarled at him before stepping away, walking off after Clarke, “Wait.”

 

The three of them stopped suddenly, turning about to give Lexa a questioning look as she made her way to Clarke. “Here,” Her voice changed, sounding gentler as she held up the dagger much like she had two days ago. Clarke was about to protest but before she could, Lexa stopped her, shaking her head. “Take it,” She didn’t wait for a response this time, only tucked it into Clarke’s belt. “It’s yours.” Lexa gave a small smile, leaning in closer. “I love you.” It was quiet, just a whisper but Clarke heard her. Lexa let a moment pass, contemplating whether she should, before pressing her lips against Clarke’s. Yes, there were people here, her people, more specifically, _her warriors_ ; but she couldn’t really care about it, she had almost lost Clarke and they both needed this right now. It was soft and gentle, and didn’t last more than a couple of seconds but it was enough.

 

Clarke’s fingers brushed on the wooden handle of the dagger, feeling a slight comfort in having a piece of Lexa so close to her. “Come back to me, alright?”

 

“I will.” Lexa gave her a nod, taking a step back and turning her eyes to the two warriors on either sides of Clarke. “Keep her safe.” She would go with her, drop everything right now and go; just to make sure Clarke was safe. But Lexa knew she couldn’t. The best she could do right now was have two of her very capable warriors do that for her.

 

The reality of it all hit Clarke once she had finally gotten out through the gates of Arkadia. She’s not sure when they’d left or _how_ exactly, it all seemed to pass in a blur. Clarke was a bit too disoriented to pay attention to anything around her but if she noticed anything, it was that there was nothing but than chaos inside Arkadia. As the two warriors practically dragged her out, she only caught glimpses of the violence and destruction around her; she’s not sure how much of it was just her head but all Clarke’s mind registered was that there were more dead bodies on the ground than she had thought there would be this soon – both Arkers and Grounders.

 

That probably meant there was a very good chance people she cared about would not make it through this. But Clarke was doing her best to not think about it; her mind couldn’t take that right now. And Lexa…Clarke couldn’t really get herself to think about it, she had come so close to losing Lexa not once but twice already, she couldn’t again.

 

“Stop, stop, stop.” Clarke gasped out as she clutched her side once they were safely outside and the two did as told. “I just need a moment to catch my breath.” She managed to get out.

 

A few seconds passed before one of them spoke. “It’s not safe here, we need to get you back to camp.” Clarke nodded, doing her best to steady herself again.

 

.

 

It had been a few hours since they had gotten Clarke back to camp; the healer had left a little while ago and she was sitting on the bed, mostly stripped down as one of the handmaidens helped her clean up. She wasn’t even sure when they’d come in, her mind was too caught up with Arkadia and Lexa to be paying attention to the things around her right now. All Clarke knew was that she was safe and no one here would hurt her, the two warriors who had accompanied her back to camp were standing guard outside the tent making sure of that. Other than that, she was almost completely disassociated from her surroundings.

 

So when Clarke finally brought herself back to reality, she realized she was alone in the tent. Blinking slowly, she turned her head slowly to look around, doing her best to ignore the pain in her neck. “Oh,” Clarke breathed out, realizing for the first time she was alone. She was still hurting and her head hurt too much for her pay attention to anything right now; so instead she lied down and slowly closed her eyes. But they snapped open only a moment later, her eyes frantically looking around the tent before landing on the table across from her. Clarke let out a small sigh, relaxing again when she found the dagger lying on the table next to her pile of clothes. After that, it didn’t take her more than a couple of minutes to drift off to sleep.

 

The sound coming from outside woke Clarke up a few hours later. Sitting up straight, she felt slightly better, more aware as she looked around; it had gotten dark but someone had lit the candles. But what caught her attention was all the noise coming from outside. Slowly getting up, Clarke stepped up to the table, noticing there was a clean set of clothes before pulling them on and wrapping her arms around herself. “What’s going on?” She asked one of the two guards outside her tent slowly, realizing her voice sounded rough and tired.

 

“The army’s returning.” He replied calmly, not even looking at her. “It’s over.”

 

Although there wasn’t much emotion in his voice, it sounded positive. But Clarke wasn’t sure how to feel about that, how were things inside Arkadia? Was her mom okay? What about Raven and Octavia? And Lexa…was she alright? _No, stop_. She shook her head, stopping her train of thoughts. “Where’s the Commander?” Clarke asked carefully.

 

“On her way.”

 

Before Clarke could even nod, her eyes found the familiar face in the returning crowd. Lexa’s eyes met Clarke’s, stopping for a moment before picking up her pace, almost running up to her. Clarke took a few steps, unable to go any faster before she was throwing her arms around Lexa. Lexa’s arms tightened around Clarke, lifting her off her feet as she whispered into her ear. “Told you I’d be back.”

 

It didn’t matter there were people probably watching them right now, it didn’t matter to Lexa her warriors had seen her with Clarke like this more than once today. It’s not like there was anyone left in Polis who didn’t at least _think_ they were together by now; from Clarke staying because of the shooting and her sleeping in Lexa’s room every night, it was a no brainer really. And her guards are always around anyways, so they’ve definitely heard and seen the two of them together at least a couple of times now. And word gets around quickly, so why try to hide it anymore? _Okay fine_ , Lexa knew exactly why she should probably hide it but she was done believing love was weakness and she was willing to do anything to make sure Clarke was safe.

 

Clarke didn’t reply, only closed her eyes and took a deep breath, telling herself that Lexa was fine. She probably held on a bit too long but Clarke couldn’t let go right now, and it didn’t seem like Lexa was in any rush to let go either. So Clarke held on, reassuring herself over and over and over again that Lexa was back alive as she did her best to hold back tears.

 

But by the time they finally pulled away, she couldn’t anymore. “Hey,” Lexa said softly, bringing her hands to Clarke’s face and wiping away the tears streaking down her cheeks with her thumbs and gently kissing her forehead. “It’s okay, we’re okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope this didn't make lexa seem ooc because i mean, clarke could've died inside arkadia. lexa kinda went in there preparing herself for something as bad as that. so when the love of her life turned out to be alive (and hurt really badly), she forgot anyone else was there. and yeah, before going in, she did make finding clarke her top priority but i mean, why not? all her people really want is to burn arkadia down to the ground. so yeah, although that's important, finding clarke was just more important to lexa. and she's kinda lost everyone she loves, that's what i kept going back to while writing this and that scene of her with titus where she was talking about costia. she's lost so much, so damn right she's going to do everything she can to protect this one person who loves her.  
> never mind, i have a lot of lexa feels and all of this ^^ will come more into play in the next chapter which is going to be hurt/comfort and angst and all the things i love. sorry, i'm kinda excited for the next couple of chapters.  
> 
> 
> so...if anyone is still reading this A/N, thank you so much for the comments on the last chapter they really do motivate me to write (and i planned on updating last week but i....lost track of time so i'm sorry about that)


	9. I can't lose you too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post-battle Lexa and Clexa being all soft and worried about each other. There's also a bit with Clarke and Abby but it's mostly Clexa hurt/comfort (and also angst....kinda)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my writing feels.....weird with this chapter but i don't really know how. i think its okay tho. there's a lot of clexa. and a lot of comforting. kinda angst too. (all of my favorite things). its just clexa goodness and i loved writing. there was also a bit that made me cry......so i hope it's okay.

Walking back into the tent, Lexa made a beeline for the bed; the rush of adrenaline and high from battle suddenly leaving her body as she let herself fall onto it. Clarke followed closely behind as Lexa closed her eyes for a moment, realizing for the first how badly she was hurting; not only did she get hurt inside Arkadia now but the fact that she was still recovering from the bullet wound just made it worse. Clarke sat down next to her, watching Lexa with a worried expression, she didn’t look alright. Yes, she wasn’t expecting her to come back without a scratch, but she looked worse than Clarke had expected. Ignoring the blood spattered on Lexa’s face, she scanned her eyes over her body. “You’re bleeding.” She finally said as her eyes landed on Lexa’s left side. It was a little difficult to spot given the black blood and the dark shirt she was wearing under her light armor, but it was undoubtedly wet.

 

“It’s just a scratch, you don’t have to worry.” Lexa tried, her voice coming out sounding tired and strained as she cracked an eye open to look up at Clarke. “A healer will be here soon, he will take care of it.”

 

“Let me at least help you out of your bloody clothes.” Clarke offered and to her surprise, Lexa gave a small nod before sitting up straight. She reached up, her fingers coming up to the buckles and undoing them slowly before Lexa pulled it off. But instead of looking up, Clarke kept her eyes down, looking at the growing bloodstain on Lexa’s side. She waited a moment, before suddenly reaching out and lifting the shirt. The bleeding cut underneath was anything but a scratch, probably the furthest thing from it; it was a long, deep laceration that ran from her left side to the front of her stomach and it was safe to assume it would need at least a few stitches. “That is not a scratch Lexa.” Clarke shook her head slowly, her voice shaky and barely audible as she looked down at the wound.

 

“Hey,” She said gently trying to get Clarke’s attention. “It’s fine, I’m fine.” Lexa continued once Clarke looked up, trying to reassure her.

 

“Lex you need to be careful,” Clarke sounded more tired than anything else right now, but she was more than a little worried about Lexa.

 

“I know,” She agreed. “But this is nothing,” Lexa nodded towards the wound. “It’s doesn’t even hu-”

 

“ _THIS COULD’VE GONE THROUGH YOU!_ ” Clarke yelled, cutting her off. Lexa’s features softened as she listened to her, if it was anyone else she would’ve probably been angry. “A COUPLE OF INCHES CLOSER AND YOU COULD’VE _DIED_. I COULD’VE LOST YO -”

 

Lexa cut her off, bringing her arms around Clarke and pulling her into a hug, “Shh,” She tried, holding Clarke, who remained stiff against Lexa for a moment before relaxing. “It’s okay.” She tried again, “I’m okay, I’m right here.” Lexa felt Clarke shudder and she tightened her arms around her. “I’m not going anywhere Clarke, I promise.” Lexa closed her eyes, breathing her in. As much as Clarke needed reassurance that Lexa was here by her side, Lexa needed it too; after what had just happened inside Arkadia – to _both_ of them – she needed to remind herself that she was alive and safe, and so was the only person who made her feel that way.

 

.

 

It didn’t take the healer long to patch her up; other than the huge gash on her side, there were numerous other small cuts and bruises all over her body and Lexa had hurt her right shoulder quite badly. Other than that, there wasn’t anything serious. By the time the healer had left and Lexa was out of her blood-soaked clothes, Clarke had gotten herself to calm down.

 

“See? I’m fine.” Lexa tried giving Clarke a reassuring smile as she pulled on a clean shirt. She looked away from Clarke, picking up the cloth beside the bed and dipping into the small basin next to it.

 

Clarke only shook her head, getting up from where she was sitting a couple of feet away from Lexa to join her on the bed. “Our definitions of that word are very different.” She told her quietly, sitting down next to her and taking the damp cloth from her hand.

 

“What about you?” Lexa turned to face her, asking as Clarke brought it up to her face, gently wiping at the blood on her face. “How are you doing?”

 

Clarke waited a moment, finishing what she was doing before answering. “It’s not that bad.” Bringing her hand away, she shrugged, but stopped herself immediately when pain shot through her neck and shoulders. Lexa’s face changed at that, looking at her worriedly. “They hurt, my shoulders and neck…from having my arms up like that for so long.” Clarke explained before returning to what Lexa had asked. “It’s just a few cuts on my front and back, and I think the shock lashes are starting to bruise now.”

 

“ _Just_?” Lexa repeated. “Our definitions of that word are very different.” She repeated Clarke’s words, trying to lighten the mood with a half smile – which to her surprise, Clarke returned. “Can I see?” She waited a moment before asking hesitantly; wanting to know how bad it really was – from Clarke’s tone, it sounded it like it was no big deal. She gave her a small nod before lifting her shirt to reveal her stomach which was now covered in more than a few deep cuts. They looked clean, like they had been made with a very sharp blade, which made sense given Lexa had found Bellamy holding her dagger.

 

Her breath caught at the sight of it as she reached her hand out and brushing her fingers against them before moving behind Clarke. The front didn’t seem nearly as bad in comparison to her back; some of the cuts must’ve been a lot deeper because there were bandages covering a couple of them. Not only that but there were very distinct bruises scattered all over the skin on her back, likely from the shock batons. She’s not sure what came over her, but before Lexa could register it, tears were welling in her eyes. A small gasp escaped as her mind thought back to what Clarke had been through inside Arkadia the last two days. “I’m so sorry Clarke.” Lexa whispered, tearing her eyes away and pulling the t-shirt back down. “I should’ve gotten to you sooner.”

 

Clarke only shook her head slowly, “This wasn’t your fault,” She turned around to face her, taking her hand. “I asked for two days, and that’s what you gave me.”

 

“But I knew that was too much time for things to go wrong.” Lexa argued. “I shouldn’t have waited so long.”

 

“You didn’t know what was happening inside.” Clarke tried, noticing how Lexa was starting to get emotional – despite doing her best not to.

 

“I knew it wasn’t anything good.” She shook her head at herself. “I should’ve done more to protect you.” Her lips quivered as she lowered her eyes, looking away from Clarke. “I should’ve done more.”

 

“Hey,” Clarke tried to get her to look back up. “This wasn’t your fault.”

 

Lexa shook her head, disagreeing. “You’re all I have Clarke.” She told her calmly, composing herself. “Everyone I cared about, everyone I loved…” She paused, continuing quietly. “They’re all gone.” Her shoulders slumped and she felt Clarke’s grip on her hand tighten. “And if I can protect you the way I should’ve protected them-” Lexa stopped suddenly, letting out a long shaky breath as she did her best to fight back tears. “I don’t want to lo-” She shook her head, correcting herself. “I _can’t_. I can’t lose you too.” She’s lost _so much_ , so many people that meant so much to her; Costia, Anya, Gustus, her brothers and sisters – the Nightbloods who she trained with and grew up with…the ones who had to die at her hands. So many people who would’ve still been here if it weren’t for her, so many people who would’ve been here if she had protected them. She didn’t have anyone left, not anymore, just Clarke, and that scared her so much.

 

Clarke didn’t say anything, only let go of Lexa’s hand and brought it up to wrap them around her instead, pulling her into a hug. Clarke knew what Lexa meant, partially at least. She didn’t have much left either, almost everyone she loves also dies; her dad, Wells, Finn. And she had come so close to losing Lexa too. So Clarke held her, telling herself probably the same thing Lexa was telling herself, _She’s okay, she’s here…I didn’t lose her and I’m not going to_. As much as she wanted to reassure Lexa that it was okay and that they were both here and alive, she didn’t really have it in her at the moment to say anything. Lexa needed the reassurance that she hadn’t lost Clarke but Clarke needed it too; so right now, being in each other’s arms was enough.

 

.

 

“What’s it like in there?” Clarke asked later that night. Most of the candles had been blown out by now and they were in bed, needing to get some sleep for the long day that awaited them tomorrow. Clarke was lying on her side and had her arm around Lexa’s waist who had her back against Clarke. “Inside Arkadia?”

 

“As you would expect.” Lexa replied quietly. She knew Clarke wasn’t in the best place right now so she didn’t want to say anything that might make it worse.

 

“Did anyone make it?” She asked hesitantly.

 

“Yes,” Lexa replied with a nod, “Like you had said, not everyone had something to do with Pike.” She explained. “Many died, yes, and we did take a few prisoners; like Pike and Bellamy. But more than a few people are still alive.”

 

“What about _jus drein jus daun_?”

 

“ _Jus_ nou _drein just daun_.” Lexa corrected, turning around to face Clarke only to receive a questioning look. “Blood must _not_ have blood.”

 

“We both know how that’s working out.”

 

Lexa shook her head slightly. “Blood must not have blood unless it is absolutely necessary Clarke.” She told her. “Like now, we spared the innocents because they didn’t have anything to do with Pike. But everyone that supported him or fought for him are either dead or imprisoned.” Clarke nodded, realizing how that made a lot more sense than killing anyone and everyone – but given everything that had happened, Clarke couldn’t really blame the Grounders for wanting that.

 

She fell silent for a moment, unsure of how to ask. “And umm…” Clarke trailed off. “Do you know if my mom made it?”

 

Lexa let out a small sigh, “I don’t.” She took Clarke’s hand, making small circles with her thumb as she continued. “But I have some of my men still inside Arkadia, they’re making sure everything stays the way it should. And I asked them to look for her, if she’s alive, they will find her.” Clarke bit her lower lip as she nodded. “You’ll know by morning.” That was the best Lexa could do right now to reassure Clarke without giving her false hope, so she hoped it was enough.

 

Clarke nodded slowly, unable to stop herself from assuming the worst as she moved closer to Lexa. The least she could do now was get comfort from the only person she felt safe with. She was tired, after the last two days, Clarke was exhausted but her thoughts were racing too fast for her to sleep. Yes, Lexa was alright, but her mind was still stuck on when she was worrying about her returning; and as much as she tried to reassure herself that Lexa was here and alive, a part of her was still panicking. Clarke couldn’t stop thinking about the laceration on Lexa’s side, the really deep one that was impairing her movement right now and causing her to lay completely still, it could’ve possibly been fatal. Without thinking about it, Clarke brought up her hand, moving it to Lexa before reaching under her shirt and gently grazing over the new wound.

 

Lexa involuntarily tensed at the touch, causing Clarke to almost withdraw her hand. But before she could, Lexa placed her hand over Clarke’s, letting out a small breath as she relaxed again. “I’m okay Clarke.” Lexa tried to reassure her.

 

Clarke bit her lip, a sudden wave of emotions crashing over her as she shook her head, willing herself to not cry. No, she wasn’t okay, that’s probably the furthest thing from how she was; the shooting only a little over a week ago and now this. _I could’ve lost her_ , the thought was on a loop in Clarke’s head. She just wanted this to be over, all of it, everything…Clarke just wanted everything to be over so she could be back in Polis with Lexa where it was safe for both of them – well safer than here. She brought herself closer, pressing her face against Lexa’s side and breathing her in. _I want to go home_ , Clarke wanted to say but only half the words made it’s way out before a small sob escaped her. “I want t-”

 

Lexa waited a second for her to continue, tilting her head slightly and letting her cheek rest against the top of Clarke’s head. “What do you want Clarke?” She asked quietly, her hand still on Clarke’s.

 

“I want to go home.” She choked out.

 

She let a beat of silence pass, “Where is home?” Lexa asked quietly.

 

“I don’t know.” Clarke breathed out, closing her eyes as she calmed down slightly. If anything, Clarke probably didn’t have one right now; nowhere that made her feel she was safe and protected. Being by Lexa’s side was probably the closest she had to that feeling. She shook her head again, an aching spreading through her chest as she thought about it and wanting nothing more than to just make it stop.

 

.

 

Walking back into Arkadia the next morning, everything seemed a lot calmer. There weren’t too many people there and a lot of them seemed to be Grounder warriors. Although it was calmer now, there were dead bodies scattered all over the place and Clarke had to make an effort to not look down at them. It was mostly quiet save for the sound of heavy boot steps and quiet voices from the people as they walked by, but there was still a dark heaviness in the air that Clarke couldn’t really ignore. She figured it was to be expected, given what it was like yesterday. Unlike yesterday though, being inside felt safer, especially with Lexa by her side.

 

Getting out of bed in the morning was more difficult for the two of them than they had thought it would be; Clarke’s arms and shoulders were stiffer than last night and the rest of her body was aching too badly for her to get herself upright, and Lexa had underestimated the new wound on her side when she had sat up, the sudden movement causing her to almost scream out in pain. Right now, Clarke’s pain was more visible as she took labored steps towards the infirmary inside Arkadia, but Lexa seemed like nothing was wrong – or maybe she was doing her best not to let it show in front of her men.

 

Approaching the infirmary, Clarke was expecting it to be loud and almost chaotic given the events of the past day. But it was mostly quiet and there weren’t as many people as she was expecting. The two soldiers standing guard at the door stepped aside to let them through but Lexa stopped, nodding for Clarke to go ahead without her. This room probably held most of the living Skaikru and Lexa knew no one would want to see her so it was best she waited outside for Clarke instead and maybe ask her men about everything because she’s not sure how things have been since last night.

 

Walking inside, Clarke looked around, not really paying much attention to the people but looking for her mom instead. It took a minute but her eyes finally landed on the person she was looking for, Abby was at the far end of the large room, currently with a patient. Clarke made her way to her, taking longer than she would’ve liked because each step took more effort than the last.

 

Clarke waited a little behind her for a minute, waiting until the patient she was talking to had left. “Mom?” She asked quietly.

 

“Clarke?” Abby spun around on her heel recognizing the voice instantly.

 

No more than half a second passed before they had their arms around each other, both of them breathing heavily as they let relief wash over them.

 

“You’re okay?” It wasn’t meant to come out as a question but it did.

 

Clarke only nodded, pulling away from her mom. “I’m fine. What about you?”

 

Abby didn’t answer, she seemed slightly distracted as she brought up a hand to Clarke’s face. “Who did this to you?” Clarke gave her a confused look, not knowing what she was asking about. “There’s a bruise on the side of your face.”

 

“Oh,” She didn’t really know about that. “Umm, Bellamy probably, or Pike.” Clarke answered quietly only to receive an even more confused look from her mom. “I was here for two days, I came to talk to Pike.” She waited a moment, letting the news reach her mom because it seemed like she had no idea. “It wasn’t the Grounders.” Clarke reassured her knowing that’s what her mom wanted to ask.

 

“Are you okay with them?” Abby asked. “In Polis?”

 

Clarke nodded slowly before suddenly remembering. “Did Raven and Octavia make it?”

 

“They’re both fine.” Abby nodded. “Octavia seemed to disappear once things started to go bad but she showed up a few hours later, looking for Raven and then I have no idea where they went. But I saw them again today, not a scratch on them.” She gave Clarke a small smile. “They’re fine.”

 

“Good.” She let out a small sigh of relief. “What about Kane and Jaha?” Clarke asked. “Jasper, Mont-?”

 

“Jasper didn’t make it.” Abby cut her off. “Monty and Kane are alive, I saw them a few hours ago. I don’t know about Thelonious.”

 

Clarke didn’t stay long, only a few minutes; Abby was busy and there was a lot to do right now. Clarke knew she had to get going soon because it was a long ride back to Polis. Abby was more than a little concerned about letting Clarke return after everything but she reassured her that she would be fine. Clarke also told Abby about what was going to happen now; well she didn’t really know what was going to happen, but as far as Lexa had said, they would return to Polis for a few days and then decide what to do with Arkadia. It might take a while because all the other Clans will want to weigh in on the decision.

 

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” Abby asked again as Clarke started to step away.

 

“I’ll be fine.” She told her with a small reassuring smile. Her eyes moved from her mom, looking past her at the door where Lexa was waiting for her. “Lexa won’t let anything happen to me.”

 

Abby couldn’t help but turn around, looking in the direction her daughter was looking at. The Commander was standing right outside the door, looking at Clarke but she turned her eyes away the moment she noticed Abby. “Lexa…?”

 

“Umm…” Clarke started hesitantly. “Yeah.” She brought her hand up to her neck, rubbing it uneasily. “I have to go, it’s a long ride back.” Clarke told her mom, taking a step away. “I’ll be back in a couple of days, don’t worry about me.”

 

With another smile, Clarke walked away, making her way outside the infirmary to where Lexa was still waiting. “Everything okay?” She asked once Clarke had walked up to her.

 

She nodded with a quiet sigh. “She’s just worried.”

 

Lexa nodded in response, hesitating for a moment before asking. “Do you want to stay?” Clarke gave her a slightly puzzled look instead of answering. “You can stay for the next couple of days if you want to, I’ll be back soon.” She explained because it had been a while since Clarke was last here with her friends or her mom, so Lexa figured she might want to.

 

Clarke thought about it for a moment before slowly shaking her head. “No,” She breathed out, this is the last place she wants to be right now. “I don’t want to…Arkadia doesn’t feel safe.”

 

“There’s no one here who is going to hurt you.” Lexa pointed out with a soft smile. “If you want to spend some time with your mother, I can have my guards make sure of that, they can keep you safe.”

 

“I know.” Clarke nodded, she knew Lexa was right and she did want to spend some time with her mom, maybe also her friends…but there was just something about this place right now that Clarke couldn’t handle. Maybe it was all the bad memories tied to it, or maybe it was the presence of death right now. “I don’t want to be around death,” _I think I’ve had enough of that for a lifetime._

 

Lexa gave her a single nod making sure that returning to Polis was what Clarke wanted before leading her outside. “We should get going then, it’s a long ride back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah....that was that. i meant to update a lot sooner but i was distracted with personal stuff. (self discovery and all that crap is really time consuming and distracting) so yeah, took a while to finish this one. hope it was alright. let me know what you thought and there's a lot more of this hurt/comfort/angst thing to come. next chapter is the one i'm looking forward to the most to write so....yeah i'm gonna stop talking now.


	10. You’re safe, ai hodnes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clexa back in Polis after Arkadia and neither of them are in the best place right now, especially Clarke. But they have each other, so that makes it a little better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> post war clexa i guess. just clexa and nothing else. (more) angst and hurt/comfort. this one mostly focuses on how clarke is dealing with it (next chapter's gonna be more lexa i think). and its just clexa being all feels-y.
> 
> also, i'm so sorry i took so long to update. i was really busy the last couple weeks and lost track of time. i wrote the chapter a couple of days ago but didn't get the time to edit it until like two minutes ago (and i've been on the road all day so i'm tired and i'm sorry if there are any mistakes). i would've done it yesterday but i got my gcse results and it was just a really long day. again, sorry i took so long to update, hopefully i'll have the next chapter done sooner. hope all the clexa in this chapter makes up for the long wait. thanks for reading.

It was a long trip back to Polis and given the past couple of days, Clarke wasn’t sure whether her and Lexa would be able to make it – without stopping a couple of times at least. And she was right, about herself anyways; Lexa seemed to be doing better now, maybe a little stiff but she seemed better than Clarke. They didn’t stop too many times, only twice; once because Clarke needed to take a break and the other time because…well, she wasn’t really sure why. Something had caused them to stop but Clarke’s mind was too distracted to be paying attention to it. She wasn’t in the best state of mind right now, almost detached from her surroundings, making it difficult to pay attention to anything. Lexa had noticed, deciding it was best not saying much to Clarke but looking over every few minutes and asking if she was doing alright no more than a couple of times throughout the trip.

 

Neither of them said much until they had returned to the Tower back in Polis. Dismounting from their horses, Lexa did her best not to say anything or get too close to Clarke in front of her men; Clarke didn’t seem like she’d want to and Lexa figured her soldiers didn’t need to see her with Clarke. But once they were alone in the elevator, Lexa couldn’t help but step closer to Clarke, placing her arm around her waist and pulling her close. Clarke let out a small sigh, not saying anything as she let her head rest on Lexa’s shoulder. Lexa didn’t say anything either, only kissed the top of her head and let the silence fill the space between them.

 

Stepping out of the elevator, Lexa removed her arm from around Clarke, linking them instead to give her more support as they walked back to her room. The guards right outside didn’t pay much attention to them, only lowered their heads slightly to greet their Commander.

 

“You’re still hurting.” Lexa said to Clarke, noticing her small steps as they made their way towards the bedroom. Other than Lexa’s personal guards, there wasn’t anyone else on this floor of the tower, and a lot of them were stationed in the hallways between the elevator and her room. But that didn’t make Lexa withdraw from Clarke; they were some of the very few people who saw almost all of Lexa. If anything, they probably already knew about her and Clarke so Lexa didn’t see why she’d have to hide anything from them.

 

“Yeah,” Clarke muttered, walking next to Lexa, needing to lean on her to keep herself up. “What about you? Are you okay?”

 

“I will be.” Lexa replied, walking up to the doors to her room as the two guards outside pulled it open. “The handmaidens have a bath set up, that always helps.” She told Clarke, stepping inside the room as the doors closed behind.

 

“I’m too tired.” Clarke replied, her voice strained, just a whisper as they stopped. “I just want to go to bed.” She began to step away but Lexa grabbed her arm gently.

 

“Trust me,” She gave her a small smile. “This will make you feel better.”

 

Clarke waited a moment before replying, giving in with a small nod. “Okay,”

 

Walking further into the room, Lexa helped Clarke out of her jacket before removing her own and placed them on the couch. Clarke took small steps, following Lexa to the tub which had been brought in and set at the corner of the room.

 

It wasn’t long before they had stripped out of their clothes and Lexa was helping Clarke step into the water. Lowering herself into the tub, Clarke let out a soft sigh as she relaxed. She held out a hand for Lexa, waiting for her to join her as the brunette took it before stepping in. Lexa settled herself behind Clarke, sitting up with her back against the side of the tub. “Let me see.” She said to her quietly, bringing her hand up to Clarke’s face and tilting it up slightly. Lexa scanned her eyes over her face; there was still a lot of blood and dirt on her, not to mention the bruise and a few small cuts. Grabbing the piece of cloth on the side of the tub with her other hand, she dipped it into the water before bringing it up to Clarke’s face. Lexa was careful to be gentle as she wiped the small smudge of dried blood on Clarke’s jaw, wanting to make sure she wasn’t hurting her. Clarke let her, closing her eyes as a peaceful silence fell over the room.

 

“Hey,” Lexa breathed out once she was done, her hand on Clarke’s cheek as she ran her thumb over it gently. She waited until Clarke had opened her eyes before leaning forward and gently pressing her lips against Clarke’s. It was a soft and short kiss, just a small reassurance that Clarke was alright and by her side, and to remind Clarke that she wasn’t alone.

 

Pulling away slowly, Clarke placed her head on Lexa’s chest as she felt Lexa’s arms come up around her. They both fell silent, not needing to say anything, just letting themselves relax and take in the moment in each other’s arms. It was quiet, the room almost completely silent save for the sounds from the city floating in through the open windows and balcony door. Clarke finally let herself rest, relaxing against Lexa as she tried to push away the thoughts and memories from the past couple of days. Given the last few days – well, maybe more than _just_ a few days – there hadn’t been a single peaceful moment, everything was a mess…but right now, in this moment, everything suddenly felt calm and quiet, her and Lexa not having to worry about anything in this instant and just be content in each other’s arms.

 

Once Clarke had relaxed, Lexa scanned her eyes over her body; noticing how the bruises she could see were more prominent now then they had been last night. She was worried about her, yes; Clarke hadn’t said much of anything since this morning, no more than a few words anyways. But she seemed a bit more at ease now, relaxed with her arm draped over Lexa’s waist and head resting on her chest. Lexa lowered her head, bringing herself to carefully place a soft kiss on the bruise on Clarke’s shoulder. This was probably the only thing that made her feel better after a battle; the warm water always helped, made her momentarily forget the horrors of the past day – sometimes _days_ – and all the terrible things she’s had to do. But it didn’t make it all go away, not completely; the tears came soon enough, they always did as everything finally caught up to her. And like the countless times before, Lexa tried to fight it, clenching her jaws to keep herself silent.

 

But suddenly something brought her back to reality; a sharp breath escaped her before Lexa realized what it was; it was Clarke, she was trembling. It took Lexa longer than she’d expected to notice that Clarke was crying. Finally managing to compose herself enough to speak, Lexa turned to Clarke “Hey, you’re okay.” She whispered into her ear, tightening her arm around Clarke. “Everything’s okay.” Lexa tried again, tilting her head and letting her cheek rest on the top of Clarke’s head. But it didn’t seem to help calm her down; if anything, it made it worse. “Clarke, hey, it’s alright” Moving her hand up and down Clarke’s arm, Lexa tried to comfort her. “You’re safe, _ai hodnes_.”

 

Another sob escaped her as Clarke pressed herself closer against Lexa, needing to be as close to her as possible. Everything that had happened in the last couple of days were crashing down on her and Clarke wasn’t sure how to handle that. She was doing her best to keep it from getting to her, trying not to think about it…but it was all too much, she couldn’t hold it in any longer and it was all erupting out of her in violent sobs. Not only that, but her entire body was aching. The warmth from the water was helping but not completely; some the cuts on her front and back were bleeding, and Clarke could still feel the sharp pain shooting through her back from the shock baton.

 

“I’m so sorry Clarke.” Lexa apologized, unable to help but feel like this was her fault. She could’ve done more to prevent this, done something to keep her safe. “I should’ve protected you.” She told her, her voice breathy and broken. “I should’ve done more.”

 

“There’s nothing you couldn’t done.” Clarke managed to get out between sobs. “This wasn’t your fault.”

 

They remained like that for a while, Clarke having calmed down enough to relax again after a couple of minutes. Lexa kept her arms around her, holding her close, muttering words of comfort and placing soft kisses on her shoulder every now and then until the water had started to get cold. “We should get out.” Lexa finally asked Clarke. “The water’s getting cold.”

 

Clarke gave her a small nod, sitting up straight and letting Lexa get up first. Stepping out of the tub, Lexa grabbed her robe, pulling it on before holding out her hand for Clarke. She took it, letting Lexa help her up to her feet. Picking up the other robe, Lexa draped it over Clarke’s shoulder and placed her hand on the small of her back, leading her towards the bed. They could both use some rest right now; as much as Lexa was trying to convince herself she as alight, her body was screaming in pain and she just wanted to lie down right now. It was a relief knowing no one would bother her today; everyone knew by now not to right after a battle, whatever was wrong could wait until tomorrow morning. And her guards would make sure no one so much as knocked on the door today; if anyone knew what she went through the couple of days after a battle, it was them.

 

Stopping next to the bed, Clarke dropped her robe, letting it slide off her and onto the floor before climbing into bed under the furs. Lexa stood a couple of feet away, letting out a quiet sigh as she watched Clarke’s robe fall on the floor. It gave her a better look at the bruises scattered all over her back, angering her all over again because she let this happen to Clarke, and the person who did this was still alive and breathing. She stepped away for a moment, making her way to the closet and grabbing a clean set of clothes. Pulling them on, Lexa made her way back to the bed and slowly climbed in next to Clarke. She lied down on her back, realizing it was the most comfortable position given the bullet wound and the gash on her side. Clarke had her back to Lexa but turned around once she felt Lexa next to her. Moving closer, Clarke draped her arm over stomach, right under where the bullet had gone through as Lexa’s arm came up around her shoulder.

 

“Clarke?” Lexa spoke after a moment, her voice soft and quiet. Clarke hummed in response, letting her know she was still awake. “Are you okay?” Yes, that was probably a really dumb question…because _no_ , she was _not_ okay, and Lexa knew that. But she didn’t really know what else to ask right now; comforting someone she cared about was not something Lexa had much experience with, it’s not even something she’s had to do in a very long time.

 

“Yeah,” Clarke breathed out. “I’m fine.”

 

Lexa furrowed her brows slightly, her arm tightening around her. She sounded anything but alright and Lexa wasn’t sure about what she should say next that might help. “You know you can talk to me, right?” She asked slowly.

 

A small humorless laugh escaped Clarke, not because she didn’t believe Lexa, no; it was just that out of _everyone_ in her life, Lexa was the only person who was here for her right now. No one else even cared anymore to be honest. Bellamy – someone who Clarke had considered a friend, almost a brother – had tortured her for information, blaming everything that had gone wrong on her. Her other friends, like Raven and Octavia, didn’t really trust her anymore because – much like Bellamy – they accused her of choosing the Grounders over her own people. But _Lexa_ …even after everything between the two of them, she was the only one who has there for Clarke right now, the only person who seemed to actually care about her.

 

“What?” Lexa asked, not expecting Clarke’s reaction.

 

“It’s just…” She started, trailing off because she didn’t know what to say. “Out of all the people in my life, I never would’ve thought you’d be the only one I’d have by my side.” Her voice was quiet and tired, and Clarke waited a moment before continuing, “I mean, I’ve gone through a lot with the people I came down to the Ground with. They’re my friends, some of them are like family and we owe each other our lives but…” She shrugged slightly, “Now, I’m no one to them. Bellamy sees me as a traitor, blames me for everything that went wrong. Octavia believes I chose you over my people, that I don’t even care about what happens to them anymore. I’m sure Raven hates me too, god knows she has more reason to than anyone else an–” She let out a short sigh, realizing she was talking to fast before stopping herself. “Everyone has found a reason to hate me by now,” Clarke looked up at Lexa, “You’re the only one who hasn’t,” Tears stung the back of her eyes, she knew Lexa had every reason to hate her too; the coalition being strained (almost completely broken), Lexa’s leadership being questioned, her becoming almost dethroned, _her getting shot_ …that was all Clarke’s fault, nothing could convince her otherwise.

 

“I don’t see why I would.” Lexa replied, her tone matching Clarke’s, quiet and soft. “Nothing can make me hate you Clarke,” She told her, speaking a little louder this time, sounding more certain. Clarke scoffed at that, but before she could say anything, Lexa continued, “Don’t do that to yourself, don’t blame yourself for everything.” She made small circles on Clarke’s bare shoulder, trying to comfort her. “It doesn’t do any good, only makes you feel worse about yourself.” She spoke from experience; whatever happened was in the past, and Clarke putting all the blame on herself wasn’t going to change that.

 

“Is that what you do?” Clarke asked. “Not blame yourself every time something goes wrong?” She continued, giving Lexa a skeptical look. “Every time you see one of your warriors bleeding out on the battlefield? Or see the ruins of a village after a battle, you don’t blame yourself?” Clarke already knew the answer to that; of course Lexa did. She didn’t let anyone see it, but in the time Clarke has spent in Polis, she has come to see how much Lexa really cares about her people.

 

“Clarke.” Lexa finally responded with a sigh. Okay, she still hadn’t taken her own advice; she still carried the weight of the world on her shoulders. _But this is different_ , she tried telling herself; everything that happened to her people was her responsibility, _That is what it means to be Heda_. _It’s not the same with Clarke_. No, this wasn’t Clarke’s fault, none of it was; she wasn’t in charge, her people weren’t her responsibility. “That is different.”

 

“How is it different?”

 

Lexa thought for a moment before replying. “This is not your responsibility.” She told her. “You didn’t ask for this.”

 

“And you did?” She asked, not missing a beat.

 

Lexa let out a long, almost frustrated sigh, “No I didn’t.” She replied. “But this is was my purpose in life: to be the Commander.” She told Clarke. “And to be Commander means to take responsibility for all my people.” Lexa waited a moment before continuing. “Arkadia was not your responsibility.” She continued, speaking slowly. “They can’t expect you to take the blame for things going wrong.”

 

“Why can’t they?” Clarke asked rhetorically. “I took charge right before Mt. Weather. But then I left right after…leaving them all alone.” She shrugged slightly.

 

“Mount Weather was different, Clarke.” Lexa replied. “That was war.”

 

“So is this.” She added but before she could continue, Lexa interrupted.

 

“ _This_ is.” She agreed. “But it wasn’t when you left.” Lexa told her. “The Chancellor was meant to be back in charge after Mt. Weather, it was never meant to be you. You weren’t in charge.” Clarke opened her mouth, looking for something to say but nothing came to mind. Lexa was right, everything was _handled_ – so to speak – when she had left, she couldn’t have known. “You couldn’t have known all of this would happen.” Lexa continued. “And even if you did, do you think you could’ve stopped it? Stopped Pike from becoming Chancellor and doing everything that he did?” Lexa asked her slowly, letting each word reach Clarke.

 

“Yes,” Clarke replied instantly before falling silent for a couple of long seconds, thinking about it a bit longer. “No…” She sighed. “But I could’ve tried.”

 

“I know,” Lexa nodded, kissing the top of her head.

 

“At least that way, everyone wouldn’t hate me right now.” Clarke added bitterly.

 

“ _Ai hodnes_ , you don’t have anything to feel guilty about.” Lexa tried. “I know that’s not easy.” She knew what that felt like, Clarke felt responsible for what happened, even though it wasn’t her fault. And there wasn’t really anything Lexa could say to stop her from feeling like this. “But this is only hurting yourself.”

 

“Maybe I deserve it.” Clarke muttered. “After everything I did…”

 

“No,” Lexa breathed out. “You don’t.” She continued making small circles on Clarke’s shoulder, not giving her the chance to reply as she quickly added. “You should get some rest.” Lexa knew she had no way of convincing Clarke of anything right now; her emotions were still too raw after the events of the last couple of days, and she was too tired and hurt to listen to anything right now. If they were going to talk about this, it should be later, when both of them are in a better headspace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> does my writing feel weird? i think it does but i don't know how exactly??? anyways, i just want to rant about lexa because no one else listens to me about her. she's like a hardened warrior who's only purpose is to rule and nothing else. that's now she's been raised. it's her purpose in life. so she's not really sure what to do right now, i mean, she's trying to comfort clarke, and i guess it's working. but lexa doesn't really know *how* to do that, that's kinda what i wanted to show with the "Are you okay?" question. she's trying, she really is, but she just doesn't know how. it's been forever since she's last cared about someone the same way she cares about clarke. so like, lexa's kinda outta practice with the emotional stuff.  
> and thanks for reading, let me know what you thought about this one.


	11. It still hurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Picks up right after the last chapter. Post-war Clexa and we see how Lexa is doing this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much like the last chapter, where it was how clarke was doing right after the war, this one focuses more on lexa. So hurt/comfort, and sorta angst, all my favorite stuff. And also, feels. Like I this hit me with a lot of lexa feels and I almost cried in the middle of the library while writing it.  
> And so sorry I took so long to update. I seem to be doing that a lot now. This was my second week of college and as cool as it is, it's been keeping me busy. But I finally got myself to sit down and write. I wrote a lot of this at like 3am on a week night and a bit during my free lesson. I just edited it now (I'm very sleepy and very tired and I was around babies all day) so if there are mistakes, I'm sorry. But this chapter's just Clexa so I hope that counts for something. Anyways, thanks for reading.

“Oh no,” Lexa gasped out, clasping her hand over her mouth as she practically leapt out of bed. Being careful to not wake up Clarke, she rushed to the opposite corner of the room; there was an empty bucket on the floor next to the tub. Dropping to her knees, Lexa lurched forward, the little bit of what she’d eaten all day coming back up. Doing her best to stay quiet, Lexa clutched her stomach, ignoring the burning feeling in her throat. There was nothing new about this, she was expecting it really, it happened every time after a battle. All the images coming back to her, taking her mind back to exactly how she felt in that moment, overwhelming her. There wasn’t much that could distract her from it; distract her from feeling like this, from feeling like a monster because of everything she’s had to do.

 

Tears stung the back of her eyes; Lexa not sure whether it was the burning sensation in her throat, or the thoughts of the past couple of days, but she did her best to fight it. It wasn’t just Arkadia, no, it was…everything else as well; not knowing whether Clarke was even alive the couple of days before, dealing with her men getting killed the days before that, and…getting shot. Not only that, Lexa realized a moment later, but even before that, with Ice Nation and Clarke and Arkadia; it was been eventful to say the least. Finally managing to stop after a little while, Lexa sat up straight, gasping for breath. Sucking in two deep breaths, Lexa felt the bile rise up in her throat again and she grabbed the bucket again; one hand holding it and the other arm grabbing her stomach again.

 

Although Lexa couldn’t sleep, Clarke had fallen asleep soon after getting to bed. Okay, they hadn’t really left the bed since returning to Polis; they spent the day lying in bed, not even talking really, just being there in each others’ arms after Clarke had woken up. Lexa tried to get some rest as well, but she couldn’t fall asleep; nevertheless, being next to Clarke was enough to relax her, just knowing that she was safe and by her side put Lexa at ease. Clarke had woken up a few hours later, the room still reasonably bright and…the two of them just stayed in bed, not really wanting to do anything else. They talked a little, Lexa asking Clarke whether she had slept alright, and Clarke making sure Lexa was okay. The room had gotten dark around her, Lexa finally slipping out to light the candles. They were awake till late, around midnight before Clarke had fallen asleep again but Lexa seemed to lie awake, unable to so much as close her eyes without having images from the battle flash inside her head.

 

Stirring awake, Clarke reached her arm out to Lexa’s side of the bed, her eyes still closed. But instead of finding her, Clarke’s hand only felt the empty bed sheets where Lexa had been. Finally opening her eyes, she looked at the place next to her, _empty_. Slightly frowning in confusion, Clarke propped herself on her elbows, looking around the room; it didn’t take her long to spot Lexa sitting on the floor with her knees pulled to her chest and back against the tub. Pulling the fur blanket off herself, Clarke slowly swung her legs off the floor before carefully standing up. Her body was still aching, maybe even more now then it had earlier today; but it was a dull ache now rather than the sharp, intense pain she had felt this morning and on her way back to Polis.

 

Lexa didn’t seem to notice as Clarke made her way towards her, almost making her jump when she felt someone sit down next to her. Finally coming out of her thoughts, it took her a fraction of a second to realize it was Clarke; Lexa didn’t say anything only relaxed as she let her head fall, resting it against her knees. Clarke brought her hand up, pushing away the curtain of hair that was covering Lexa’s face before running her thumb gently over the little bit of her cheek that was exposed. Lexa remained silent, letting herself take comfort in the fact that Clarke was here; for a moment, she had forgotten completely, feeling all alone. “Did I wake you?” She asked quietly, mustering as much strength as she could as she brought her head up. Her voice sounded rough and throaty, her throat burning as the words left her.

 

“Can’t sleep?” Clarke asked, ignoring her question, and Lexa nodded slowly. “Nightmares?”

 

She shook her head slowly, “You need to sleep to get nightmares.”

 

Clarke let out a small sigh, nodding slightly. She was right in thinking Lexa hadn’t gotten any sleep since last night but Clarke didn’t think she was in this bad of a state. She waited a moment before speaking again, “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up and back to bed.” Lexa took a second before nodding as Clarke pushed herself off the floor to stand up and held her hand out for Lexa.

 

She took it, standing up before making her way to the closet to grab a clean t-shirt, realizing for the first time her sweat had soaked through the one she was wearing now. Clarke grabbed a washbasin from the small table next to the tub and a cloth before walking over to the couch. Lexa joined her only a moment later, pulling her shirt off as she walked towards Clarke and sat down. “Is it hurting?” Clarke asked, her the water.

 

“Only when I move,” Lexa leaned back against the couch, reaching her hand out to take the wet cloth from Clarke.

 

“I got it,” Clarke muttered, moving closer to her and bringing the cool cloth up to Lexa’s neck. She closed her eyes, the cold feeling welcome against her warm skin. Clarke gently wiped her neck before bringing it up to her cheek and, finally down to her shoulder and top of her chest.

 

Lexa opened her eyes, sitting up straight when she heard Clarke set the basin down on the table in front of the couch. “Thank you,” She gave her a lazy smile, watching as Clarke stood up but not really having the energy to do the same.

 

Clarke began to step away, but realizing Lexa wasn't following. “Coming?” She turned around to look at her.

 

“Give me a minute, I'll be right there.” She told her, waiting a moment before sitting up straight and pulling on the shirt.

 

It didn't take Lexa more than a couple of seconds to join Clarke back in bed. Lying on her side, facing Clarke, Lexa watched her carefully for a moment.

 

“What?” Clarke asked after a moment of silence.

 

“Are you okay?” She asked her quietly.

 

Clarke gave her a slightly confused look, “Me?” Lexa nodded. “I think I should be the one asking that.”

 

Lexa only shook her head. “I'm fine,” she told her.

 

“What's keeping you up?” Clarke asked gently.

 

Lexa waited a moment before replying quietly, “Arkadia.” Not Arkadia in the way it was bothering Clarke, no, but what happened yesterday. It still hadn't gotten easier; the way she felt after a battle, it probably felt just as bad as it had first time. Okay, maybe not _exactly_ as bad as that, it wasn't as intense anymore; it didn't have Lexa turned into a sobbing mess on the floor of her room. But dealing with that still hadn't gotten any easier; knowing that she was responsible for the deaths of so many people – her own as well the enemies’ – still hurt her so much. And every battle, despite the reasons behind it, seemed to only add more weight on her shoulders. Everyone said it would get easier, that eventually she would be numb to it all, not caring anymore about the people she's lost or the people she's had to kill. But Lexa had lost count of the number of battles she's fought let alone the number of lives she's taken and yet, she still felt _everything_. “The battle,” She explained, realizing Clarke was waiting for her to continue. Letting out a long sigh, she added, “It still hurts.”

 

Clarke gave her a small nod, moving closer and placing her arm around Lexa, pulling here closer. She had thought, by now, this wasn't a big deal to Lexa, that it didn't matter to her anymore – not as much anyways; she had fought enough wars by now to know how to deal with the feeling that came after it. “I didn't think it mattered this much to you,” She said gently.

 

Lexa shook her head, “They all matter.” She told Clarke. “Every battle I fight, every life I take, everyone I lose…they all matter.” Letting out another sigh, she continued. “Even now.” She almost sounded disappointed in herself; Lexa had thought she was stronger than this, stronger than losing sleep over something as _insignificant_ as a battle against Arkadia. It wasn't insignificant to Lexa, not at all, she had lost numerous good men to them; but it was insignificant to everyone else. Her people, her generals, even her warriors; no one saw this as a big deal and knowing their Heda was losing sleep over it would make her look weak.

 

.

 

“What are you thinking?” Clarke asked Lexa gently. It was morning now, still early, and to Lexa’s surprise, she had managed to get more than a few hours of sleep. The two of them and been awake for a little while, not even an hour probably, still lying in bed in each other’s arms, too tired to move.

 

“What I should do about Arkadia.” Lexa stated, turning her head slightly to look at Clarke, waiting for a reaction. She was probably expecting a negative one, she might’ve even upset her by bringing it up right now, but Clarke only gave her a questioning look. “The people back there, I was thinking about what to do with them.” Lexa told her. “I have to meet with my council in a few hours to talk about it, so I need to know what I want to do before I see them. If I don’t know for certain what to do, I’ll have to listen to their suggestions.” She paused, letting out a sigh, “And I am not in the mood for that.”

 

“What would they want?” Clarke asked, almost knowing her answer. But Lexa didn’t reply, only gave her a look which said _you know_. “What do _you_ want to do?” She asked instead.

 

Lexa let out a slow breath. “I don’t want them to die.” She told Clarke honestly, unable to find a better answer. That didn’t just mean she didn’t want to kill them, it also meant she wanted to make sure the remaining people at Arkadia had what they needed to survive. But one of the biggest problems with that was the fact that they would need to have a _good enough_ relationship with the Grounders to trade with them. They won’t survive long without food and weapons, given how the small amount of crops they had were destroyed and how all their weapons had been confiscated before her army left. “They need food, weapons…protection.” Lexa continued, almost reluctantly. Yes, she cared about them even now; the people left behind at Arkadia didn’t really have anything to do with Pike or what he did, so Lexa didn’t see why they deserved to be punished for something they didn’t do. But at the same time, Lexa knew her people would never be okay with that; they saw all Sky People the way they saw Pike.

 

“And you want to help them?” Clarke asked, surprised at what Lexa was saying. She gave her a small, expressionless nod. “Why?”

 

“They don’t deserve to die because of Pike.” Lexa replied with a shrug. “And they _will_ if they’re on their own.”

 

Clarke waited a moment for Lexa to continue but when she didn’t, Clarke spoke again. “Are your people going to be okay with that?”

 

“No,” Lexa muttered. “It’ll take some _effort_ to convince them that that is the right thing to do.”

 

“So what are you thinking about doing with Arkadia?” Clarke asked. “I don’t think anyone would want them to be the 13th Clan again.”

 

She shook her head. “ _I_ wouldn’t want them to be the 13 th Clan again.” Lexa replied. “I don’t think they can be trusted to be something as important as that.” No they couldn’t, not after what happened this time. Arkadia needed someone to be in charge of them and monitor what they were doing; they couldn’t have their own government again, not after what happened with Pike. “I was thinking I would have them become _part_ of a Clan.” Clarke gave her a small nod, wanting her to continue; that didn’t sound bad. “Part of Trikru.” Lexa continued. “They’re close enough, and that way there will be someone to monitor Arkadia and the people in charge; make sure no one like Pike ever comes to power again.”

 

Clarke nodded, agreeing. That actually sounded like a really good idea; it would keep her people in track and it would make sure nothing like _this_ ever happened. But it would also mean they would be protected, under Lexa, so no one would try to attack them. Because given what Pike had done, it was understandable to think there were a _lot_ of Grounders who hated everyone in Arkadia and wanted them gone. “Yeah, I think that would be good.”

 

“Yeah?” Lexa turned to her carefully, she wasn’t really sure what would be okay to say to Clarke right now because she was still quite a wreck over it. And it was understandable but Lexa needed to voice her opinions to someone who would calmly listen to her without questioning it.

 

Clarke nodded. “What about your council? Are they going to agree to that?”

 

“They have to.” Lexa answered. “I’m their Commander, they have to do as I tell them to.” She told her. “But that doesn’t mean they will listen to what I have to say without trying to force their own ideas on me.”

 

The two of them fell silent after that, Lexa taking in another moment of peace and quiet before having to yell at her council, convincing them that letting Arkadia become part of one of the clans was the best thing they could do. It would be beneficial to the Sky People, obviously, but it would also be in their interest; Arkadia’s weapons and medical care were a lot more advanced than the Grounders’ and Lexa knew they could benefit from that. Going into a council meeting about big matters like this meant Lexa would walk out of their with a headache. It was a known fact by now and there was no part of her that liked these meetings.

 

A sudden knock on the door brought them out of their little bubble, startling Clarke, almost making her jump. Lexa rubbed her shoulder gently, calming her down as she sat up straight. “Enter.” She called out to whoever was on the other side of the door as they both sat up straight on the bed. A young man stepped inside, standing close by the door. He didn’t stay long and seemed to not even acknowledge Clarke’s presence and Clarke realized she hadn’t seen him before. He spoke to Lexa in Trigedasleng, which told Clarke he wasn’t a warrior, but she understood what he was saying. Apparently the council had already gathered and they were waiting for Lexa. She gave him a small nod, acknowledging what he said before he walked out.

 

“I have to go.” She told Clarke as the door closed, knowing she understood what was being said. Receiving a nod from her, Lexa brought herself closer to Clarke, kissing her cheek before getting out of bed. Walking away from the bed, Lexa could feel Clarke’s eyes on her as she pulled off the shirt she was wearing. “This will probably take me all day,” She told Clarke, her back to her as she looked for her clothes. “What do you want to do?” Lexa looked over her shoulder at Clarke, she had gone back to lying down.

 

“I don’t know,” Clarke replied, her voice slightly muffled by the furs she had pulled over herself. She was still tired, wanting to just stay in bed and cuddle up to Lexa. But given how the latter wasn’t possible right now, she wanted something to keep her distracted. “I think I’ll stay in bed for a while then…” Clarke shrugged. “I don’t know, but I’ll figure something out.”

 

Lexa pulled on her shirt before nodding at her, thinking for a moment. She didn’t really want to leave Clarke alone right now, well she didn’t want to be away from her. Given the last few days, Lexa wanted to stay here with Clarke, the last thing she wanted to be doing right now was to go up in front of her council. And Clarke being all alone most of the day didn’t seem like a good idea to Lexa either. “Anything in mind?” She asked once she was done getting dressed.

 

“I might go for a walk around the city,” Clarke replied. She hadn’t had the chance to do that yet, and from the little bit she could see from the tower, Polis looked like an interesting city. Things were also starting to calm down so at the moment, there wasn’t anything Clarke had to worry about and this would keep her mind off of thinking about the past few days.

 

“I can have one of my guards show you around,” Lexa walked over back to Clarke. “If you want.”

 

“Yeah,” Clarke gave her a nod. “That would be nice.”

 

“Okay,” Lexa smiled at her, stepping away again, realizing she needed to get going and made her way towards the door. “There will be someone waiting for you outside whenever you’re ready.” Just as she was about to open the door, Lexa stopped again, turning around to look at Clarke. “And you should eat something,” She told her, realizing suddenly. “One of the handmaidens will bring you breakfast, don’t leave before that.”

 

Clarke gave her a small nod, unable to stop herself from smiling at her. It was sweet how much she cared and well, it’s been a while since Clarke has had someone like that. “I won’t.”

 

“And I will do my best to get back as soon as I can.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still don't really know what's with my writing. Every chapter I write just feels weird. I'm gonna bring up Arkadia soon, probably in the next chapter because well, i think i should. But uh yeah, anyways, hope it was alright, let me know what you thought.


	12. They were the one constant good thing in my life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa with her Nightbloods and her telling Clarke what they mean to her. There's also a short scene in Arkadia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got a lot of feels writing this. the bits about lexa. hell, i almost cried all the times i read over this. it's mostly cute-ness with clexa. and there's lexa with the nightbloods. and then her talking to clarke about them. and the first scene is in arkadia with abby and kane. it's short and idk about it but i thought i needed to show what's going on there. i have another scene planned for arkadia for the next chapter so there's that....

”You need to take a break.” Kane said to Abby as he walked into the infirmary. It was mostly empty now; compared to yesterday, there was only a handful of people here, most of them with minor injuries from the battle. “You’ve been here all night.”

 

“They need me here.” Abby told hi, trying to walk away from him but Kane grabbed her by the arm, sitting down on one of the empty beds.

 

“There’s barely anyone here.” Kane looked around, Abby standing in front of him. “And the other medics can handle it.” He tried. “You need to rest.”

 

She didn’t respond, thinking it over for a second before finally nodding, knowing it was no use trying to convince him otherwise. Kane stood up again, leading her out of the infirmary. “Did you find Thelonious?” Abby asked him as they walked out.

 

“I did.” He nodded, not continuing until Abby gave him a questioning look. “He has himself locked in a room, refusing to come out because he can’t find that backpack…” Kane trailed off.

 

She looked at him knowingly, “You found it, didn’t you?”

 

“Yes.” He stated simply. “ _But_ it’s in pieces.”

 

“And did you tell him that?” Abby asked again, stopping.

 

“No,” Kane replied. “Abby, he’s losing it because he can’t find the thing. And if I tell him that it’s been destroyed…I don’t want to know what he is going to do.”

 

“Does this mean he will stop handing out those chips with the infinity symbol?” This probably wasn’t the most important thing right now given the state of her… _friend_ because as far as Abby could tell, _losing it_ didn’t really sound positive, and there was something definitely wrong with Jaha right now. But at the same time, she didn’t trust those chips and didn’t want them getting around to the people without knowing their exact effect on someone.

 

He nodded at her, the two of them walking again, “He told me they were inside the backpack so it was important I found it.” Shrugging, he continued, “I managed to open it but there was nothing other than broken parts.”

 

“Good,” Abby stated simply. “I don’t think those chips were what he was saying so I’d rather it didn’t get around to the people.” She noticed the concerned look on Marcus’s face – understandably for his friend. “He’ll be fine,” Abby brushed it off. “He’s my friend too but this was for the best; give him some time and he will be just fine.” The two of them continued to walk in silence for a bit before Abby spoke again, “Did he say anything?”

 

“I couldn’t really understand him,” Kane answered. “But he said something about losing his purpose in life…I think…”

 

* * *

 

 It had been a few hours into the day; the sun about to set in less than an hour as Clarke sat on the couch in Lexa’s room with some paper and a charcoal pencil, completely absorbed into her work. It wasn’t dark yet, the room still bright enough with the light coming in through the open windows for her to work comfortably. She had gotten back only about an hour ago and wasn’t sure how much longer Lexa would be. But it wasn’t long before the door to the room suddenly pushed open, bringing Clarke back to reality, “Hey,” she looked up from the sketch on her lap as Lexa walked inside.

 

Walking up to Clarke in silence, Lexa let herself fall on the couch next to her. She didn’t bother sitting up straight before turning to look at Clarke. “Hi,” She greeted her with a lazy smile, her voice small and tired as she closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the couch.

 

“You okay?” Clarke asked, watching her carefully.

 

Although Lexa gave Clarke a nod, she probably didn’t mean it; she had a splitting headache from her meeting all day. And being on her feet throughout the day didn’t really help because it just made the pain in her abdomen worse; by the end of it, she didn’t think she’d be able to walk back to her room. Right now all she wanted to do was strip out of her clothes and crawl under the furs in her bed next to Clarke. But Lexa knew there was still something she had to do. A moment passed before she opened her eyes again, looking at Clarke as she sat up straight this time. “There’s something I have to do.” She gave her a questioning look, “Come with me.”

 

“You look like you need to rest,” Clarke said to her, unmoving from her spot as Lexa stood up. “Whatever it is can wait till tomorrow.”

 

She shook her head, “The other Clan Leaders are coming tomorrow, I will be busy all day.” Holding out her hand for Clarke, Lexa waited until she took it before speaking again. “It can’t wait.”

 

Giving in, Clarke stood up, following her out of the room in silence, not bothering to as where they were going. The two of them continued to walk down the hallways of the tower to the elevator. Clarke couldn’t help but watch Lexa; she definitely needed to rest, it had been a long day for her and every step she took seemed to take a lot of effort. Although she was trying to hide it and pretend she was perfectly fine, Clarke could the pain on her face. It was expected really; after the shooting, she didn’t really get a proper chance to heal and recover. Not only that but Arkadia did a number on her as well and that was only a couple of days ago; as much as Lexa tried to convince Clarke the wound on her side wasn’t a big deal, she could see through it every time Lexa moved and her hand went up to the stitches.

 

“Are you going to tell me where we’re going?” Clarke finally asked after a good few minutes of walking.

 

“To see the Nightbloods.” Lexa replied casually. “I haven’t seen them since before the duel with Roan, and they probably know about everything that has been going on. But they haven’t heard from me…”

 

“So they’re worried about you?” Clarke asked carefully. That’s where this seemed to be headed after all but she knew Lexa had to put up this façade that said nothing and no one mattered to her – not that it was working very well with Clarke right now because at least half the capital knew there was something going on with them.

 

Lexa gave her a small nod. “And I’m worried about them,” She told her as they continued to walk. “They don’t have anyone experienced in charge of them right now, it’s just one of my warriors who was willing to step in until everything calmed down enough for me to take care of it.” Pausing for a moment, Lexa spoke again “They don’t exactly know what’s going on right now and I think they should know everything is okay.” They would be worried, if not for Lexa then for themselves; because if the present-Commander were dead, it would mean one of them was going to have to step up. And the process to that was not something Lexa wanted these kids to go through. She knew they would eventually have to but the later the better.

 

Clarke didn’t ask much after that and the two of them walked to the edge of the city in almost complete silence. She wasn’t sure where they were going because Clarke didn’t really know her way around Polis yet, but she could see they were making their away from there. It seemed to get quieter as they got further away from the center but it wasn’t long before Clarke could hear sounds coming from a bit ahead; she could only guess it was the Nightbloods, still training. “They’re still training?” She asked as they continued walking and she caught a glimpse of them. It was almost dark and Clarke would’ve thought they’d be done for the day. Lexa gave her a silent nod, continuing to walk towards them. Clarke slowed down her pace as the two of them approached the Nightbloods, deciding it was best to give Lexa her space with them.

 

And she was right; the moment they noticed Lexa, all their training weapons seemed to hit the ground and almost all of them ran up to her. The slightly older ones stopped within a couple of feet of her, standing up straight with their shoulders back and head up high; but the youngers ones didn’t really have that much self-control and seemed to run up to her, hugging her legs. Clarke couldn’t help but smile at the sight in front of her, this is probably the first time she has seen anyone show any sign of affection towards Lexa. She seemed different with them, gentler, as her hand went up to brush against one of the little boy’s hair and a small smile playing on her lips that Clarke couldn’t look past.

 

It was a good few minutes before the younger Nightbloods let Lexa finally walk away. The older children had gone back to their training having received an acknowledging nod from their Commander but it took a bit longer with the younger ones to get back to what they were doing. Clarke wasn’t sure what Lexa was telling the littler ones, but she was down on her knees talking to a few of them for a couple of minutes. Finally pushing herself up to stand again, she walked through the rest of them who had gone back to training, nodding at them encouragingly until she stopped next to a Nightblood Clarke recognized instantly. Aden looked up at Lexa the moment he realized she was standing there before she gave him a small nod, motioning for him to step aside for a moment with her.

 

The two of them stepped away from the training grounds, walking to the edge by he trees. She wanted to ask him whether he was alright, she wanted to ask him how things had been the last few days, and she wanted to pull him into her arms and take comfort in the fact that there was at least one other person she cared about who was safe and still alive. But she couldn’t, she couldn’t show how much she actually cared about him without it being seen as a form of weakness; so instead, Lexa stood in front of him with her hands clasped behind her back, waiting for him to speak.

 

“I heard about what happened,” He stated simply, not hesitating.

 

“And what did you hear?” She asked him in return.

 

“That Titus shot you.” Aden replied, his tone stoic, no hint of emotion, almost exactly like Lexa. “And about Arkadia.” He waited for Lexa to reply but she only gave him another nod. “What happened in there?” He asks after a moment, trying to hide his concern for Lexa with curiosity.

 

This time she shrugged. “What happens in battles Aden?”

 

He couldn’t help but let out a small sigh before nodding. “You almost died.” Aden lowered his head as the words left him. His voice small this time, almost afraid and there was a slight crack that he hoped Lexa wouldn’t catch.

 

She did. If anything it caught her by surprise because she wasn’t expecting it from Aden. Lexa couldn’t help but give him a surprised – _and worried_ – look. “But I didn’t.” She tried to reassure him. “I’m still here.”

 

“Good,” He finally looked up at her again, no hint of emotion in his voice. “Because I’m not ready to be Commander yet.” Although his tone was completely stoic, Lexa could see his eyes beginning to well with tears. “I’m not ready to lose them,” He turned his head, looking at the other Nightbloods still training before turning back to Lexa, not saying anything else. She didn’t respond, instead brought her hand up to the back of his head, not caring for a moment who was watching them as she pulled him closer. Aden let her, his own arms going up around Lexa. “I’m not ready to lose _you_.”

 

“You won’t.” She told him quietly. “Not for a long time.” This was probably the first Lexa let herself believe that she actually had a life ahead of her and that she didn’t want tomorrow to be her last day. That was something she’s had to make peace with, the fact that she could die at any given moment and that there was nothing she could do about it other than just accept it. She knew her only purpose in life was to be the Commander and nothing more; so when her time was over, _it was over_. And Lexa believed that, she had come to terms with the fact that tomorrow might not come for her, she was perfectly okay with that for a very long time. But then she had met Clarke and it started to change. She wanted more time; more time with her. And since the moment Clarke had shown up at her room, when they both thought that would be the last time they would see each other, Lexa has been afraid of not getting that – not getting enough time with Clarke. For the first time since she can remember, she was afraid of death because there was something that made her want to stay.

 

.

 

“They matter to you.” Clarke said to Lexa once they were back at the tower. Lexa didn’t reply, only tilted her head, giving her a questioning look. “The Nightbloods.” She explained, sitting down on the couch. “But you don’t want anyone to see that.” Lexa nodded slowly, walking over to Clarke. “Why?”

 

Letting out a small sigh, Lexa sat down next to her. “Because I’m not supposed to.” She replied simply. “I’m only here to teach them about what it means to be Commander. They shouldn’t matter to me anymore than that.” She shrugged lightly, “They’ve never mattered anymore than that to any of the other Commanders.”

 

“But they do to you.”

 

She nodded again before quoting Titus. “To be Commander, is to be alone.”

 

“Did Titus say that?” She gave Lexa an unimpressed look, knowing the answer.

 

With a reluctant sigh, she nodded. “He wasn’t wrong.” As much as Lexa hated hearing him say that to her over and over again, she had to agree. “It just puts the people I care about in danger.”

 

“So the solution is to just stop caring about everyone and everything?” She waited until Lexa nodded again before speaking again, “And how is that working out for you?” Clarke asked lightly.

 

“Not very well.” Lexa couldn’t help but smile. “I mean, you’re here…”

 

“Yeah, I am.” Clarke returned her smile, taking Lexa’s hands in her’s. “So, the Nightbloods…” She started, hesitating slightly because she wasn’t sure whether Lexa would want to talk about it. “If they never mattered to the other Commander, how come you care about them so much?”

 

Lexa thought about it for a moment, unsure of how to answer. There was more than one reason behind that; the biggest one being how she was very much unsuccessful in making herself stop caring about everyone. The Nightbloods were only children and they weren’t even seen as human by most people, just something that was meant to train all their lives and lead the people when their time came. And Lexa knew how that felt; being brought up knowing she was going to have to kill children who were practically her brothers and sisters, and being expected to be ready and willing to take on the responsibility of the people whenever she was told to. “I know how they feel, and what they’re going through,” She finally started, wanting to keep it short for now. “The past Commanders did too but they could stop themselves from caring…I couldn’t.” She told Clarke reluctantly, knowing there was no point in denying it; even Titus knew how much Lexa cared about them.

 

“That’s not a bad thing,” Clarke tried, pulling her legs onto the couch to sit more comfortably.

 

“It is,” Lexa replied, following Clarke as she shrugged of her coat, letting it fall on the floor before she moved closer to Clarke. “But uh…” She continued, trailing off for a moment as she thought about how to explain it, “After I became Commander.” Lexa looked down at her hands, away from Clarke. “I wasn’t in the best place, and well…a lot of things went wrong for me over the next few years.” She looked up at her again, tears stinging the back of her eyes as memories started to come back to her; the conclave, Costia going missing, Costia ending up dead, Anya, Gustus… “And the Nightbloods, they were the one constant good thing in my life.” Shrugging, she continued, “I knew, no matter how badly I had messed up, they were the one thing I was doing right. And no matter what, at the end of the day, they would all be there, still looking up to me like I did nothing wrong.”

 

There was a flash of half a smile at the end that Clarke barely caught. She let the words sink in before she asking another question, “What about Aden? He seems to matter a bit more than the others.”

 

There was no hesitation this time, Lexa just nodded. “He does.” She replied, Clarke waiting for her to explain. “He is one of the few Nightbloods now that I knew from before my conclave.” The Nightbloods are split into groups according to their age, Clarke knew that, so she also knew a few of them had been around when Lexa had ascended to Commander. “I felt like a monster after the conclave – I still do,” The last part came out as a whisper, almost not wanting Clarke to hear it. “I didn’t think the younger Nightbloods would ever see me as anything other than that, other than someone who just killed most of their older brothers and sisters. I didn’t think I could _be_ anything other than that for them.” Lexa was getting lost in her memories now, almost forgetting that she was talking to Clarke. “But Aden came up to me that night; he was only a little boy then, everyone else was scared to but…he wasn’t; it seemed like nothing had changed. I didn’t want to be around anyone at the time, I felt everyone was safer away from me…” She let out a sigh, needing to take a second before continuing. “But Aden came up here and ended up staying with me all night, not even bringing up the conclave once.” She went silent for a moment, “He is the closet thing I have to family.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so....that's chapter 12. hope it was alright. let me know what you guys thought.


	13. You feel like home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Textbook hurt/comfort goodness the night before they go back to Arkadia. It's just Clexa and....feels. Mt. Weather also comes up for a bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry i took so long to update this omg it's been like 3 weeks (if not more). i've just been so busy, we moved houses last week and before that it was school (like they are trying to kill us). and i guess i've been paying more attention to the soulmate au, this part is coming to an end and there's some important bits left so i've been working on that a bit more. 
> 
> but i've had this chapter planned out and drafted for months now, i probably had it when i was writing chapter 5 or something because i wanted to put in that //one// conversation between them. it's just hurt/comfort stuff (my favorite), i think it's pretty feels-y. it's all just clexa. and...well, clarke's in a bad place right now. they both are, but i think lexa's more....equipped to deal with it than clarke it so.....clarke kinda needs someone telling her it'll be alright every now and then. anyways, lexa loves clarke, a lot, and she wants to make sure she's alright. and clarke is....kind of a wreck, not really sure how to deal with....everything really. i'm gonna shut up now.

No, sleep wasn’t the easiest thing for Lexa right now; especially tonight, she realized as her eyes snapped open. Most times she had woken up at night after the shooting, it was mostly because of nightmares; sometimes in pain, yes, but it was mostly nightmares. Tonight, however, was just the pain and aching in her body. She had a _feeling_ Arkadia might have had something to do with that because she had returned from there injured yet again. Everything was hurting, Lexa realized as she let herself register the pain. She was expecting it really; after the _eventful_ past few days, Lexa knew this was coming, the aching in her body that was almost unbearable, the way it hurt that made it difficult to breathe. Lying completely still for a few long seconds, Lexa tried to control her breathing. She could feel tears stinging the back of her eyes as she did her best to remain silent, telling herself over and over and over again that she was alright.

 

A couple of seconds passed like that before Lexa could get herself to pay attention to her surroundings again. It wasn’t long before something caught her eye; she’s not sure how she hadn’t noticed it straight away, but Clarke seemed to be awake as well. She was sitting up straight with her knees pulled to her chest and her forehead resting on them. Pushing herself up to sit up straight with more difficulty than she was willing to admit, Lexa brought herself closer to her. “Clarke,” Lexa tried to get her attention, realizing how tired her voice sounded. “Are you alright?” She asked, hearing the quiet sobs coming from Clarke for the first time.

 

Clarke only shook her head, unable to bring herself to so much as look up at Lexa, let alone reply.

 

Letting out a small, worried sigh, Lexa moved closer to Clarke, placing a hand on her back as she tried again, “Talk to me, please. What’s wrong?”

 

A moment passed before Clarke brought her head up, still not saying anything as she let it rest against Lexa’s shoulder and Lexa’s arm went up around her Clarke. It took her a moment to compose herself enough to speak, “It’s all my fault,” she finally said, only to be cut off by a small sob escaping her. “Everything that’s happened,” Clarke shook her head at the thought, “Everyone that’s died,” Lexa shook her head as well, listening to Clarke but not saying anything just yet; wanting to let her say what was on her mind. “It was all because of me,” She continued quietly. “They’re all right about what they say, I am a monster.” A small huff of humorless laugh escaped Clarke, “ _The Commander of Death_ , it’s fitting.”

 

“No, no, that’s not true.” Lexa told her gently. “Not at all,” Her arm around Clarke tightened slightly. “Everything you’ve done, everything you’ve had to do was to make sure your people were safe. You did it all for them.” She said in an attempt to comfort her. “You’re the reason they’re where they are now… _alive_.” Lexa let out a deep breath, she knew this feeling all too well. “You did it all for your people, and I know it feels like you lost yourself along the way, but Clarke, you are not what they make you out to be.” She moved her hand along Clarke’s arm. “Everything you’ve had to do, there’s a cost to it all, but that doesn’t make you a monster.” She knew what this felt like, how you could lose yourself when you do everything for your people without thinking about yourself for even a moment. Lexa’s been exactly where Clarke is right now, and maybe she has moved past the point where all of it turned her into a sobbing mess at night – _maybe_ – but she still didn’t know what helped make the feeling a little bit easier, make the pain a little less. So Lexa did the only thing she could, she held Clarke and told her that everything that had gone wrong wasn’t her fault, that she did everything she could have done to stop anything bad from happening. “You’re a hero to your people,” Lexa said to Clarke, only to receive a scoff from her. “You _are_ ,” She told her again, “Everything would’ve been so much worse if you hadn’t made the sacrifices you made.” Lexa waited a moment before continuing, “There would’ve been no coalition–”

 

“Yeah, because that worked out great.” Clarke interrupted sarcastically.

 

Letting out a small sigh, Lexa kissed the top of her head before continuing. “It’s still better than what it would’ve been like without the coalition.” She pointed out. “You’re people would be dead by now – I’m almost certain my people would’ve made sure of that.”

 

“Not far off after what they did,” Clarke added.

 

“But not all of them,” Lexa reminded. “The people you care about, the people who care about _you_ , they’re still in Arkadia, they’re _alive_. And they will be…because of _you_.”

 

“I could’ve stopped Pike if I hadn’t left.” Clarke responded mindlessly.

 

Lexa shook her head, “That wasn’t your responsibility. The people of Arkadia were never your responsibility.” She told her the same thing she had before because although Clarke had been thrust into leadership at the start, Lexa knew the _older_ Sky People had taken back control once they had reached the ground – something Lexa didn’t quite understand because Clarke was a more capable leader than any of them.

 

Although she knew Lexa was right about Arkadia not being her responsibility, Clarke couldn’t quite agree with it because she still believed there was a lot she could’ve done to stop any of this from happening. “I feel like I’ve done a lot more bad than good since reaching the ground.”

 

“That’s not true.” Lexa said again in response, “What about Mt. Weather?” She asked, no one was successful in taking them down; not even Lexa…no, she had turned around and left once she knew her people were safe – not something she was proud of, but Lexa knew, at that moment, it was necessary because they didn’t stand a chance against the Mountain Men. “You managed to take them down when no one else could.”

 

“At what cost?” Clarke asked in return. “I killed everyone inside; there were children there, people who had helped us…” She let out a shaky breath, “ _Everyone_.”

 

“You did what was necessary,” Lexa replied, clenching her jaws as she thought about how that might’ve been different if she hadn’t turned her back on Clarke. “I’m sorry,” She couldn’t help but say it, “For turning my back on you, it might have been different if I hadn’t.”

 

“You did what was necessary,” Clarke repeated what Lexa had just said to her.

 

Not answering, Lexa looked at her with a confused expression, she was expecting at least a hint of sarcasm in that; but Clarke seemed to mean it.

 

Clarke brought herself up, sitting up slightly straighter as she looked at Lexa. “It’s in the past,” She shrugged noticing the questioning look on her face. “I _can_ hold a grudge against the only person who seems to understand what I’m going through and actually cares about what happens to me…but I don’t see much good coming from that.” Lexa only nodded at her slowly. “But why?” Clarke asked, waiting a moment for Lexa to answer but not getting anything other than another questioning look. “Why care? God knows I’ve cost you enough.”

 

“Because I love you,” There was no hesitation in her voice, it was almost like stating a fact. After everything this has cost her, Clarke would’ve thought Lexa would at least take a moment before saying it out loud like that.

 

Clarke remained silent for a moment, thinking about what Lexa had just said. “Why?”

 

“What?” Lexa asked her, her question coming instantly; confused by what Clarke asked.

 

“Why?” She repeated. “After everything,” Clarke started. “Everything I have cost you, put you though, why?” Before Lexa could answer, Clarke spoke again, “Not only now, I mean, you’ve been taught all your life that love is weakness but…” She shrugged. “Here you are.” Clarke paused for a second, “And after everything I’ve done…”

 

Lexa thought about it for a moment before replying slowly, “You don’t get to decide whether or not you fall in love Clarke,” She told her. “Much less _who_ you fall in love with.” Lexa waited a moment, thinking about the last part of what Clarke said. “I love you for everything you are Clarke, it makes you who you are and you only did what you _had_ to do, you didn’t have any other choice.” She went silent for a second. “I’ve done a lot worse…yet you’re still here, and I had a choice.” Well, that’s only half true really. Yes, she’s the Commander and the last decision is always her’s no matter what. But there were some things Lexa was expected to do in a _certain way_ , and some issues she was expected to deal with in a _certain way_. She could do it differently, yes, but…that didn’t tend to go well; she has changed a lot of things since becoming Commander but it has always been small things and when it was something bigger and more important – like the coalition – she had to ease her people into it. _Blood must not have blood_ was probably the mostly strongly opposed one because no one agreed with that. And making decisions like that, as right as they may be, it made her seem weak in front of her people…so _no_ , she didn’t really have a choice.

 

Clarke didn’t say anything in response, only shifted closer to Lexa, pressing herself against her and letting Lexa hold her. She felt a little calmer now. It helped listening to what Lexa had to say to her but there was still an aching in her chest; the one that made Clarke almost feel like she couldn’t breathe anymore. And the only thing that could even remotely ease that pain right now was… _Lexa_. She didn’t really know why, if anything, Clarke had thought Lexa might make it worse for her because, in all honesty, she had caused Clarke a lot of pain too. But Lexa…she seemed to be the only one who understood what she was going through, the only one who could make her feel better even if it was just slightly. Being in her arms right now, it felt… _right_ , that’s the only word that came to Clarke when she thought about it; it just felt right, like this is how it was always meant to be. “I can’t take it anymore,” She breathed out after a few seconds of silence. “Everything just hurts and…” Clarke shook her head, fighting the tears again, “It’s all too much, I can’t take it.”

 

Lexa rubbed her back, trying to comfort her, “It will get easier, Clarke.” She tried telling her. “It takes time, but it won’t always hurt as much as it does now.” Lexa pressed her lips to the top of Clarke’s head. “And you’re not alone, I’m here.” Clarke didn’t reply, only snuggled closer to Lexa, wanting to be as close to her as possible. Lexa waited a moment before speaking again, “Give it time,” She told her again, “It may be hard for a while but once things settle down again, it’ll be easier to get your mind off of things,” Clarke needed time and space to heal, Lexa knew that, space from all the things that has been bothering her and tearing her apart. That meant she wouldn’t be getting better, not much, until things finally settled down; it shouldn’t take long now, hopefully, because things were finally headed in the right direction.

 

Clarke only nodded, not having anything else to say to that; although she knew Lexa was probably right, right now… _god, right now_ it felt like nothing would ever be right again, that she would never get better. But for the moment, with Lexa, she finally felt safe and closer to being okay than she has felt in the past few months. Being in Lexa’s arms felt like…home, it felt safe, and filled Clarke with a sense of hope that eventually she would be okay…and that _eventually_ they might have a chance at _happiness_ – whatever that meant on the ground.

 

They stayed like that for about a minute before Lexa decided to lower them both to lie down again. She kept her arm around Clarke, still holding her close when Clarke spoke again, “After things settle down with Arkadia…” She trailed off, sounding unsure. “Can I umm…” She paused again, not really knowing how to ask what she had been thinking about since they had returned to Polis. “Do I have to go back?” She finally asked, hesitating because there was a chance Lexa might say ‘ _yes_ ’. Clarke didn’t want to go back to Arkadia; she wanted to stay in Polis, with Lexa. Arkadia was the last place she wanted to be at right now; if Clarke wanted even the _chance_ of recovering and healing and getting better, Arkadia wouldn’t let her. Even with most of the people who blamed her being gone, the place itself held too many bad memories.

 

“No,” Lexa replied softly, shaking her head; not knowing why Clarke would even think it necessary to ask her that. “Not if you don’t want to–”

 

“I don’t want to,” Clarke replied, almost cutting Lexa off. “I can’t,” She shook her head against Lexa’s shoulder, her voice barely audible.

 

“No one is going to make you,” She reassured her, pausing for a moment, thinking about whether she should ask what she wanted to, “Do you want to stay?”

 

Clarke nodded slowly before replying, her voice cracking as she spoke, “Yes,” She could feel her lips trembling, a sob threatening to escape again. “I just…I can’t go back there…after everything…”

 

Lexa moved her fingers, making small patterns on Clarke’s shoulder in an attempt to calm her down as she felt tears beginning to soak through her shirt. “You have a home here Clarke,” Lexa told her gently after a moment. “You always will.”

 

Clarke remained silent for a long moment, calming herself down before speaking again. “ _You_ are home,” She muttered quietly, her voice slightly muffled against Lexa’s shoulder; so quiet that Lexa barely caught it. Clarke shook her head as her mind registered the words that had just left her; if the circumstances weren’t what they were, Clarke would’ve thought this was way too fast, the way she felt when she was with Lexa. But given…everything, it seemed to be the only thing that made sense right now. “You feel like home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's like almost 4am here, and i promised myself i'd post this chapter tonight. i also just finished editing it, so if there are any mistakes (very much possible), i'm sorry. anyways, hope you liked this chapter and i will do my best to update a bit faster than this.


	14. I'm gonna go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're back at Arkadia for a little while. We see how Clarke's "friends" feel about her coming back, and how Raven and Octavia take to seeing her again. Clarke also has a little talk with Abby about Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been forever since the last update and i am so very sorry, it's been like a month. i don't know what's wrong, i just have motivation to do nothing and even when i do have motivation, i'm busy with school work. i'm literally counting down the days till winter break tbh. my life is a mess rn but i love writing these fics and i'm doing my best. (i've also been spending too much time on the soulmate au because the next chapter needs to be Perfect)
> 
> i just finished writing this chapter because i forgot i wanted that conversation at the end so....i haven't really proof read it. hopefully there aren't too many mistakes but it's late so yeah.....
> 
> anyways, i think i'm happy with the chapter. we're nearing the end of the whole Arkadia mess plot (i guess we can call it that). things are settling down so that means we can have more clexa stuff in the future chapters (when i eventually write oops). and more of polis and i'll try my hand at world building with the other clans and stuff like. what i'm trying to say is, i have plans for this fic and i'm hoping you guys are going to stick around to read it. 
> 
> i'm gonna shut up now, hope you like it.

“So the Grounders are coming back tomorrow morning.” Octavia said as she walked into the almost empty common room where Raven and Monty were sitting.

 

Raven looked up from the small glass she was holding, and turned her head in the direction of the voice before nodding, “Yeah, I can’t wait,” She replied monotonously as Octavia walked up to the table they were sitting at. “Why _are_ they coming back, anyways? To execute the rest of us?”

 

Octavia let out a sigh, that was the last thing she wanted to think about right now; okay well, she’s the one who brought up the Grounders, but that doesn’t mean she wanted to think about what they were going to do – or already did – to the prisoners. “Can I get a drink or…?” she asked as she sat down next to Monty.

 

Wordlessly, he slid his almost full glass to her, not even looking up. He waited until she had taken a swig before speaking, “Clarke’s coming too,” He said to her; he sounded bitter, almost angry, something neither of them were used to hearing from Monty. “Or at least that’s what I heard Abby say.”

 

Octavia nodded, not really knowing how she felt about that. If there was one thing she needed Clarke for right now, it was to ask about Bellamy because Octavia didn’t even know whether her brother was alive. “Why?” She asked bitterly. “It’s not like she’s going to stay or anything, not when she can be in Polis with Lexa.” Octavia rolled her eyes, not noticing the looks she was receiving from Raven and Monty.

 

“That’s probably _why_ she’s coming back,” Monty added, still unsure about what Octavia meant by what she said, assuming she meant something about Clarke being safer with the Commander around. “Because the Commander is.”

 

“And what are you saying?” Raven asked, finding something to talk about for the first time in probably months. “Clarke would rather be in Polis with the Grounders than here with us?”

 

“Well she did spend like three months after Mount Weather in the damn woods.” Octavia shrugged, “So yeah,” She nodded before letting out a small sigh, anything to keep herself distracted from thinking about anything _important_ right now, “And there’s something going on with them, I know it.”

 

“ _Them?_ ” Raven asked. “Clarke and the Grounder Commander?” Octavia nodded, “And you think you know this because…?”

 

“Why else would Clarke not come back to Arkadia, knowing about the blockade and everything that was going on?” She asked in response.

 

“I thought you said it was because Lexa got shot.” Monty added.

 

“Yeah but that’s the Grounder capital,” Octavia told him, “They have more than enough _very capable_ healers to take care of her.”

 

“Wow,” Raven scoffed at what she was hearing. “I shouldn’t really be surprised, I mean, this is _Clarke_?” Raven shook her head before swallowing the last of her drink and standing up. “Un-fucking-believable.” She said loud enough for both of them to hear before beginning to walk away.

 

_Still a sensitive topic, right_ , Octavia sighed, “Fuck,” She muttered, standing up and taking off after Raven. “Raven, wait, I’m sorry.” She continued walking behind her. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”

 

“Screw it,” She didn’t bother stopping, only let Octavia know that she wasn’t up for this conversation right now.

 

* * *

 

“Are you sure you’re up for the ride?” Clarke asked Lexa after about ten minutes of leaving Polis. Although last night ended up mostly Lexa comforting Clarke, Clarke remembers how Lexa woke up almost in tears because of how badly she was hurting. Even this morning, she didn’t seem to be alright, or anywhere close to being okay enough to ride for hours. Even now, Clarke could see how Lexa looked really stiff and uncomfortable.

 

Lexa gave her a small nod, not really meaning it but not wanting Clarke to worry about her. “Are you ready to go back?” She asked her.

 

“It’s just one day.” Clarke replied. “I think I should be fine.” Her voice dropped slightly, speaking quieter, not wanting too many people to hear her. “And you’ll be there.”

 

It was a long and tiring ride to Arkadia and they both seemed to be worried about the other along the way. Clarke mostly worried about how this was going to effect Lexa given her injuries and Lexa worried about the same thing for Clarke because she hadn’t had much time to rest after what happened to her inside Arkadia, but also worried about how Clarke was going to take seeing everyone again. If last night’s conversation was anything to go by, Lexa knew Clarke wasn’t ready to return to Arkadia yet; even temporarily. Last time she had been there, she didn’t really get the chance to see much of anyone other than Bellamy and Pike.

 

By the time they reached Arkadia it was a little past mid-day; the sun still shining down bright on them as they rode up to the gates. Lexa could see Clarke let out a shaky breath as the gates opened and they made their inside before stopping right after the entrance and dismounting. Getting off her horse, Lexa stepped up to next to Clarke, taking her hand and helping her down before walking further inside. She gave her a small reassuring look, wanting to tell Clarke that it would be fine, and that she would be fine; what happened last time wouldn’t happen, not with her by her side.

 

Waiting as Lexa talked to the people of Arkadia was torturous if not anything else. With everyone gathered outside, Clarke realized there weren’t many people left compared to the last time she was here. Standing a few feet away from Lexa next to her generals as she spoke, Clarke did her best to not make eye contact with anyone in the crowd because she could almost feel the way everyone was probably looking at her. _Why wouldn’t they?_ Clarke couldn’t help but ask herself that. She left them; after Mt. Weather, after Ice Nation blowing up Mt. Weather with her people inside, after finding out about Pike…after a battle, when people were hurt and needed reaffirmation that they would be alright despite about half of them being taken away by the Grounders. She should’ve stayed, she should’ve reassured them, tried to make things better…but she left, she left to be with who her people considered the enemy. And even now, here she was, standing beside the enemy rather than her own people.

 

It didn’t take long, not really, just Lexa letting them know what had happened and what was going to happen, and how they were now going to be a part of Trikru. She didn’t go much into details because that was something she would be talking about with whoever was in charge of Arkadia right now – Clarke had a feeling it was either her mom or Kane, or maybe both of them. Clarke couldn’t really make out what anyone was saying once Lexa stepped away and walked back towards where Clarke was standing, she couldn’t even make herself look up at them to try and figure out how bad of a reaction Lexa had gotten.

 

“Commander,” Both Lexa and Clarke heard a familiar voice from a distance just as Lexa walked up to Clarke.

 

Turning towards it, Clarke recognized Kane instantly and tried to look away, not really sure of how to respond. “Kane,” Lexa said with a nod, remembering his name as he walked up to both of them.

 

“Clarke,” It almost sounded like a question when he finally spotted her standing next to Lexa. He probably wasn’t expecting to see her today, or here anyways. “Well, it’s been a long time.”

 

Clarke finally looked up, she’s not really sure how he managed to sound positive right now given everything that was going on but she was almost grateful that Kane didn’t sound resentful towards her. “Yeah, it has,” She said in response, not having anything else to say.

 

Kane seemed to pick up on it as he turned his attention back to Lexa, “This way,” He motioned towards the general direction of the room where the council – what was left of it – was going to be at to hear Lexa’s terms.

 

She gave him a nod, beginning to follow, a group of her warriors behind her. But Clarke didn’t seem to move, “Clarke?” Lexa asked quietly.

 

“You go ahead.” She told her. “I think I’m going to go take a look around.” Clarke continued with a sigh, a part of her wanted to but another part of her was almost too scared to leave Lexa’s side right now – the _protection_ she got from being by her side right now, actually, after what happened last time, Clarke wasn’t too sure about being on her own. “Maybe find Raven…and Octavia.”

 

Lexa remained silent for a second then gave her a nod. “Okay,” She turned to look at two of her guards who were standing to her right, “Go with her.”

 

“That’s not nec-” Clarke tried to tell her.

 

“It is,” Lexa interrupted, not waiting for Clarke to say anything else. “I will see you soon.” She told her, not giving Clarke the chance to say no.

 

.

 

“You really don’t have to follow me around,” Clarke tried telling the two guards Lexa had set up with her as she approached the common room, hoping to find her friends – if they saw her that way anymore, that is.

 

“Commander’s orders.” One of them replied and Clarke let out a sigh as she walked inside.

 

Given how it was the middle of the day, she had expected to see more people here but if anything, the room was almost completely empty. Stepping inside, she stopped, looking around for a familiar face. Finally spotting Raven’s red jacket and who looked like Octavia standing next to her, Clarke felt a small relief wash over her as she cautiously made her way towards her.

 

“Hi,” Her voice was small as she approached them from behind, unsure of how they would react to seeing her.

 

Not very well apparently; it’s not like Clarke was expecting hugs from anyone but she wasn’t really expecting them both to completely explode on her. Octavia was still very much angry about everything that had happened; from Clarke leaving them to not coming back with her, to the battle that happened only a couple of days ago, to taking Bellamy prisoner. And Raven…wow Clarke didn’t even know how to react to her to be honest; she was expecting her to be angry. But Raven…Clarke hadn’t thought much about that; she was upset about Clarke leaving without so much of a goodbye but that’s _all_ Clarke was expecting to get from her. Not her asking about why she decided not to return with Octavia right before the blockade.

 

“Why did you choose to stay?” Raven asked Clarke after a little while. “You knew about the blockade, why didn’t you come back to us with Octavia?”

 

“Lexa was shot-”

 

“They have healers in Polis.” Octavia interrupted. “More _capable_ healers.”

 

“I couldn’t leave her.” She replied honestly. “She was dying and I couldn’t just leave her like that.”

 

“Why not?” Raven asked, thinking back to what Octavia had said last night and wanting to know for sure. “She left you at Mt. Weather to die, why couldn’t you leave that day and come back here, when we _needed_ you?”

 

Clarke let out a small sigh, there was no point in bringing up Mt. Weather now or trying to tell them how Lexa didn’t have any other choice, they wouldn’t want to hear it. “You didn’t need me.” She shook her head. “You had everyone else here…Lexa didn’t.”

 

“Why does that matter?” Raven questioned.

 

“Because if I left, she would be all alone in dealing with this…huge mess on her own.” Clarke replied honestly.

 

“And is the _huge mess_ Arkadia or her getting shot?” Octavia asked.

 

“Both.” Clarke shrugged. “Especially her getting shot, I…” She trailed of. “She didn’t have anyone else there for her, and I didn’t want her to be alone when she woke up.” She finally admitted to them.

 

Raven couldn’t help but let out a small laugh before turning her head to look at Octavia, “You were right.” Then she turned back to Clarke. “So you and her…you’re a _thing_ now?”

 

Clarke could hear the bitterness in her voice; she understood, she really did, but right now, with everything else going on, this was the last thing she wanted to deal with. “Yes,” No, they hadn’t talked about that _exactly_ but… _No, we’re not a thing now_ , didn’t seem like the right answer. After the past few days…hell, right before Clarke was meant to leave Polis, everything that’s happened since then…of course they’re _a thing_ now. With everything happening, they only had each other to turn to when they needed someone; like waking up in the middle of the night because of a nightmare, they only had the other to comfort them and reassure them that they were okay. Not only that, but Clarke is almost entirely certain that all of Lexa’s guards knew they were together by now – if not her entire army given the hug in front of them right after Lexa returned from Arkadia. Lexa’s personal guard saw _everything_ , they were there from the moment Lexa woke up till when she went to sleep so Clarke had a feeling they noticed how she was spending all her time in the tower in the Commander’s bedroom.

 

“Wow,” Raven let out a bitter laugh. “This is low Clarke, even for you,” She shook her head slowly, not letting Clarke reply before walking away. Yes she was angry, of course she was. She wasn’t mad at Clarke about Finn – not much – because then, Clarke didn’t know Raven even existed. But _Lexa_? The one who wanted to kill the man she loved? And eventually _being_ the reason he got killed. Not only that but Lexa was also the one who almost had _her_ killed because the Grounders thought she wanted to poison the Commander. Even without all the personal feelings she had against Lexa, how could Clarke be with someone who left them at the Mountain to practically die?

 

“Raven wait please,” Clarke tried to stop her, taking a step to follow her but Octavia grabbed her hand, stopping her.

 

“Let her go,” She told Clarke. “She has every right to be angry.” Clarke opened her mouth, wanting to say something to protest but Octavia stopped her yet again. “I need to talk to you.”

 

“About…?” Clarke asked as Octavia sat down and she followed, sitting down on the stool across from her.

 

“Bellamy,” Octavia replied, like it was the most obvious thing to ask. “As much as I am mad at him for what happened…he is still my brother and I need to know what’s happening to him.” Suddenly, she stopped, eyes going wide as she almost exclaimed, “He is _alive_ right?!”

 

Clarke didn’t really know, she remained silent for a moment, thinking about how to answer. “I think so…” She finally told her hesitantly.

 

“You _think_ so?” Octavia asked. “What? Your girlfriend didn’t tell you what she’s doing with one of your closest friends?”

 

Clarke closed her eyes, letting out a sigh and trying to not let Octavia’s words get to her. “It’s not like that.” She tried. “I don’t think they’ve done anything with the prisoners yet,” She finally gave her an answer, doing her best to keep her feelings pushed down; from Raven storming off and being disappointed in her for finally finding someone who made her happy, to Octavia wanting to glare Clarke to death because of Bellamy.

 

“ _The prisoners_ ,” Octavia repeated what Clarke just said. “That’s what you’re calling them?” She sounded almost as bitter as Raven had just before she had stormed off.

 

“What else am I supposed to call them?” She had reached the end of her patience by now; she was nearing the end of it when Raven said it was low of her to have stayed back in Polis just for Lexa but _now_ , now Octavia trying to tell her off for Lexa’s army’s taking the people away who led to the death of _so many_ of her people…maybe Clarke should’ve just gone with Lexa to meet with the council. “After everything they did, after all the deaths they’ve caused, what else am I supposed to call them?” Clarke asked, her tone matching Octavia’s.

 

“They’re still your people-”

 

Clarke scoffed, interrupting her, “You weren’t too keen on calling them _your people_ last time I remember.”

 

“Things change.” She stated. “And do you not remember that it was Lexa who left us to die at Mt. Weather?”

 

“She didn’t have a choice,” Clarke tried, letting out a sigh, sounding almost frustrated. “And right now, Lexa seems to be the only one left who doesn’t hate me…” She shrugged, standing up, “Because from what I can tell, everyone here wants me…well, dead and Lexa on the other hand,” Clarke let out another small sigh, beginning to step away, “I’m gonna go.”

 

.

 

There was probably one other person who didn’t hate her right now, her mom; Clarke realized as she made her way towards the infirmary once Abby had gotten out of the council meeting. The last time Clarke saw her, they didn’t get much time to talk about anything, and Clarke wanted to check in and see how her mom was doing. It was almost a relief when she walked inside and noticed how empty it was. Abby was standing at the far end, a file in her hand when Clarke approached. It didn’t take her long to notice before her eyes moved up to see her daughter. Wordlessly, Clarke made her way to her mom before wrapping her arms around her and pulling her into a hug. Abby’s arms came up instantly, holding onto Clarke as tight as she could.

 

They stayed like that for probably a second too long before pulling away. The first thing Abby asked was whether Clarke was alright in Polis, much like last time. And this time Clarke got the chance to actually tell her that, yes, she was doing just fine there. Abby seemed to remember how last time Clarke said Lexa would make sure nothing happened to her, “I couldn’t stop thinking about this,” She told Clarke. “You and Lexa…is there…something…I should be aware of…?”

 

Clarke bit her lower lip hesitantly, looking down and taking a moment as she thought about how to answer. Finally looking at her mom again, Clarke nodded slowly, “Yeah…about that…” She rubbed her neck uneasily, she really didn’t think her relationship with Lexa would come up more than once in one day. “There is _something_ you should be aware of.” She stopped again, trying to find the right words and failing before deciding to just tell her mom as it was. “After Mt. Weather…I felt completely alone,” Clarke started. “Because I didn’t think anyone would understand what I was going through.” This was a slightly awkward conversation to be having with her mom right now and Clarke really didn’t have a better way of starting. “But Lexa…she did, she understood what I was going through and…” She let out a sigh, “Mom, she’s there for me in a way no one else can be and…right now, with everything going on, I don’t really how I would cope with it without her.” Clarke waited for her mom to say something but Abby only gave her a small smile. “And I was going to come back before the blockade, with Octavia but…” She had a feeling she needed to explain. “But she got shot and I couldn’t leave her like that…she needed me and I…I had to stay.”

 

“I understand,” Abby responded. “I’m happy for you, that you found someone like that now,”

 

“You don’t mind that it’s Lexa?” Clarke couldn’t help but ask.

 

“No,” Her mom shook her head. “I wasn’t expecting that but…I don’t mind. I’m just glad to see you happy about something.”

 

“So…” Clarke started again, realizing this was as good of a time as any to tell her mom she wasn’t going to be staying back. “This is probably the best time to tell you,” She continued unsurely. “I’m not coming back to Arkadia for good; I’m returning to Polis with Lexa.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh someone asked me when lexa's going to deal with her own issues because i know i'm focusing more on clarke. and i'm gonna answer that.
> 
> yes lexa is also going through a LOT right now. and she will deal with all of....this. the shooting, the battle, stuff before that like the other clans thinking she was unfit to be commander, not to mention the physical trauma. so she will deal with all of that. and very soon. right now she's totally preoccupied with arkadia and right before she was preoccupied with planning the battle. so when stuff like that happens, you end up pushing down all the personal stuff deep down and not pay any attention to it because there are more "important" things to do. that's how i deal with my issues anyways, (i keep putting them off and distracting myself with other things so i don't have to think about them, it's not the best thing to do but i have a feeling lexa's like that too). 
> 
> so now, everything has settled down, mostly anyways, we still have to deal with the prisoners. she doesn't have to worry about arkadia, or her people dying because of pike, and stuff like that. so a lot of the things distracting her from dealing with herself is....gone. and that it both good and bad. good because she finally has to deal with them, even if she doesn't want to. and bad because everything is going to come crashing down on her right now. 
> 
> so yeah.....let me know what you thought of this chapter.


	15. Good morning, ai hodnes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter starts five years from where the last one left off. Things are good, there's peace amongst the clans, and more important, Clexa finally has the life they've wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M FINALLY BACK CAN YOU BELIEVE????? i almost abandoned this fic coz i didn't know what to do after the last chapter because there was enough of the angst hurt/comfort thing. buuuut then the s4 finale pissed me off and made me realize how much i needed to write this fic so clexa could get their happy ending. so yeah, spite. i wrote this in a span of a couple of days and just finished it a few minutes ago so it's sorta edited but there might be some spelling mistakes and stuff in there.
> 
> anyways, now for the chapter (if anyone is still reading this). ummmm??? softness???? and just clexa being soft and in love and talking about something important. everything's good basically.

> _Five years later_

 

Lexa let out a small breath, squinting her already closed eyes shut tighter as the sunlight made its way into the bedroom, towards her spot on the bed. She turned around, facing the direction of the light with her back; she didn’t want to get up just yet, Polis and the rest of the world could wait a few more minutes. Instead Lexa moved further into the bed, her arm going around the body next to her as she pulled herself closer. Lexa settled against her, breathing her in before placing a soft kiss on the bare shoulder. From what she could tell, it was a nice day – well, Lexa only knew it was sunny and warm, but that was appreciated after the rain the last few days.

 

“Good morning _ai hodnes_.” Lexa heard a sleepy voice say quietly after a few minutes of silence.

 

“Hmm,” Lexa hummed against her, only pressing herself closer, no intention of waking up yet. Instead Lexa only asked her to go back to sleep. “ _Gon we bakon gon rid op_.” **[Go back to sleep.]**

 

“The Nightbloods are expecting you,” She replied, turning around to face Lexa.

 

Lexa smiled as she looked into those blue eyes she’d fallen in love with never wanting to look away, “They can wait.” She told her, moving a little closer and gently kissing her. “Aden can handle training till I get there.” Lexa added. “I want to spend a few more minutes with you.” She leaned in closer again, kissing the tip of Clarke’s nose this time.

 

It had been five years since everything with Arkadia, five years since she was shot, and five years since Clarke decided to stay back in Polis. Things have been good since then; Arkadia hadn’t caused any more trouble and with Nia gone there was no one left to keep stirring things up within the clans. There was peace, there was finally peace; no wars, no one questioning Lexa’s authority, no one trying to kill her or her people – god, Lexa was almost certain she would never actually achieve this. Not only that but her and Clarke had finally gotten their _someday_ ; they were happy now, together, with no one trying to twist their relationship to show it was weakness.

 

“Aden is one of the youngest Nightbloods in his group,” Clarke rolled her eyes, turning on her side to face her. “Not to mention he’s a skinny little kid who weighs like 50 pounds.” She rolled her eyes, “You know that right?”

 

Lexa only gave her a small shrug, “So was I.”

 

Clarke nodded at that, settling on just “Touché,”

 

“I…” Lexa started, looking at Clarke with a bit of confusion. “I don’t know what that means…”

 

Clarke rolled her eyes, leaning forward to give her a quick kiss before speaking again, “Now go, your kids are waiting.”

 

Lexa sighed, finally moving to sit up. “They’re not my children.” She told Clarke monotonously as she stood up, this wasn’t the first time Clarke referred to the Nightbloods as that.

 

“Debatable.”

 

* * *

 

She was different around them, around the young Nightbloods; Lexa was softer somehow, caring and encouraging, even when she was sparing with them. Clarke had sat in on a few of their lessons over the years, it was amazing how they all looked up to her and listened to everything she said. Not only that but Lexa’s interactions with them went way beyond just their lessons and sparring sessions. Lexa made sure these kids got as good of a childhood as they could; being away from their families and homes wasn’t easy, and Lexa knew that so she did her best to make them feel loved and wanted. She didn’t want them to have the same childhood she did.

 

“You’re good with them.” Clarke said later one night, one of the Nightbloods had gotten hurt during a hunting trip and Lexa had just gotten back from making sure they were alright.

 

“ _Ai dula op chit ai na_.” **[I do what I can.]** Lexa answered as she sat down on the couch next to Clarke and closed her eyes, it had been a long day.

 

Clarke didn’t reply, only moved closer, leaning against Lexa’s side; Lexa was tired, she had a long day and Clarke could tell that very easily when Lexa started randomly responding in Trigedasleng. “You do a lot more than just that.” She responded. “They look up to you. And you care about them. A lot.”

 

Lexa remained still for a moment before nodding, “I do,” She answered. “They’re my responsibility.”

 

“Your great with children, not just the Nightbloods.” There was something Clarke had been meaning to talk to Lexa about, and she wasn’t entirely sure what would be the best way to bring it up, but now seemed like a good opportunity. “I’ve seen you around Polis with the young kids. And when we visit other villages.” She reminded with a smile. “The little ones love you,”

 

“I like spending time with them.” Lexa smiled. “And they seem to like me too.” She added, “Children are a lot better than adults.” She let her head fall, leaning her cheek against the top of Clarke’s head. “ _En_ _fyucha_ …” **[And babies…]**

 

“What about babies?” Clarke asked once Lexa didn’t continue.

 

Lexa thought for a moment, trying put her thoughts into words. “I don’t know,” She started, “They’re just…soft and gentle and…” A smile broke out on her face, “They’re amazing.”

 

“You love kids, don’t you?” Clarke asked gently, tilting her head to look up at her and seeing the small nod. “I…actually wanted to talk to you about that.” She sat up straight, turning a little to face Lexa.

 

“You did?” Lexa asked in response, receiving a nod from Clarke. “I’m all your’s, go ahead.”

 

Clarke looked away for a minute, hesitating before bringing herself to ask what she had been meaning to for a while now. “Have you ever…thought about having kids? Like…your own, starting a family?”

 

“Yes,” Lexa answered, smiling softly at the thought before her face fell; family didn’t really go with being the Commander, it couldn’t, now could it? “I would really want to but…” She sighed, shrugging a little, “I can’t.”

 

“Why not?” Clarke asked, already knowing the answer.

 

“You know why.” Lexa let out a small breath, looking away from her for a moment. “Why are you asking?”

 

“Because…” Clarke trailed off, taking Lexa’s hand in her’s. “I…want one, a baby.” She paused, “With you.”

 

Lexa only sighed, letting her head fall back against the couch. “Clarke…” She wanted that, she really _really_ did. Lexa wanted a family, and kids, she wanted all of that with the love of her life. But she knew she couldn’t; just Clarke was pushing it as it was, Commanders didn’t get to fall in love and be happy with someone – after all, she did grow up being taught that love was weakness and being Commander meant being alone. “You know we can’t…”

 

“But why not?” Clarke asked slowly, “Wouldn’t you want to though?” She asked again, “I’ve seen you with children, and I know you’d be great as a parent.”

 

“I want that more than anything Clarke,” Lexa answered. “I want a family with you, a child we can raise together, watch them grow up…”

 

“So why not?”

 

“Because I’m the Commander.” Lexa stated, already knowing Clarke knew that answer. “And that means I can’t have that, it wouldn’t be fair for the _goufa_. They’d be in danger because of me…” She sighed, looking at Clarke, “You know all of that.”

 

“Yes,” Clarke agreed, “But you fell in love, with me, and I’m still here.” She reminded. “There’s been peace for five years now.” She leaned against Lexa again, settling into the couch like before. “Everything has been going perfectly fine and we can finally have the life we want.”

 

“Do you really want a baby?” Lexa asked, taking in what Clarke was saying. She was right, things had fallen into place now and they had finally gotten the _maybe someday_ they had talked about all those years ago. There was peace, Clarke was safe, there was no fighting amongst the Clans, no one was trying to hurt either her or Clarke – things were good. “With me?”

 

“Who else?” Clarke asked in response. “I want this Lexa,” She took Lexa’s hand, running her thumb over the back of her hand, “I want it with you,” She paused, “And I don’t think I’ll believe it if you tell me you don’t.”

 

Lexa nodded, she’d be lying if she said she didn’t want that – especially with Clarke. “That’s…because I do.” She answered, falling silent again as she thought over it for a moment. “Are you sure about this?”

 

Clarke nodded, “I’ve been thinking about it for a while now,” She added. “And seeing you around Polis with the kids and the young Nightbloods…it just made me want it more.”

 

Lexa couldn’t help but smile at that, letting herself listen to what Clarke was saying as she thought about it more seriously. “Okay,” She nodded at Clarke, “Yes, I want that. I have for a long time actually.” Lexa gave Clarke a small nod, “I just never thought I would get to the point where that would be something I could possibly look forward to.” Clarke smiled at her, waiting for her to continue. “Okay, so let’s talk about it.” Lexa started, “How?” She asked, that was the first thing on her mind “Because I don’t know how I feel about involving a man…”

 

“Well, I talked about it with my mom the last time I was in Arkadia…” Clarke admitted; she had been thinking about this for a while now so she wanted to know what their options were. “And we don’t have to do that, not…like _that_ anyways.”

 

Lexa tilted her head slightly in confusion, not knowing what that meant. “I…don’t know…what that means.” She told her. “What _does_ that mean?”

 

Clarke let out a small laugh, “Well it’s a little complicated and it’ll require a couple of trips to Arkadia ‘cause we need my mom for this…but basically,” She let out a sigh, trying to figure out how to explain it, “We will still need someone who you know, has a penis, because there’s no way around that.” Lexa didn’t reply, only listened to what Clarke was explaining. “But as far as that goes, we don’t even have to know who he is really.”

 

“How does that work?”

 

Clarke shrugged lightly, “Instead of everything happening…umm, inside, it kinda happens in the medical ward of Arkadia.” Lexa only gave her a more confused look, yeah Clarke wasn’t too good at explaining things. “The fertilization happens outside the body.”

 

“I don’t know what that word means.” Lexa responded, doing her best to follow through with whatever Clarke was saying.

 

Clarke thought for another couple of seconds, “Oh, got it.” She snapped her fingers, finally figuring out how to explain it to Lexa. “They take the sperm and the egg. And the baby’s made in a test tube I guess before it’s put inside the mom.” Clarke did a small triumphant fist bump at finally getting it out right. “You got it this time right? Because that’s the best I can do.”

 

Lexa smiled at how adorable Clarke was before nodding. “I did,” She answered. “But I don’t understand how that works…I think…?”

 

“Neither do I really,” Clarke admitted, “But it works for the most part so…that would be how…”

 

Nodding slowly, Lexa let all of that information sink it. “So…we can have a baby?” She asked slowly after a moment, “The two of us?”

 

“Yes.” Clarke smiled at her. “So what do you think?” She asked carefully. “Do you…want to…?”

 

Lexa remained completely still, lost in her thoughts for a moment; her mind floating off to a future where she could see herself with Clarke and a young girl who had Clarke’s blue eyes an- She shook her head, bringing herself back to reality, it was too soon to be thinking that. “Yes, I do.” There was no hesitation in her voice, no pause, just certainty – for the first time probably, she has never been certain of anything about her personal life. “I want it so much, Clarke.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not 100% sure about this tbh but i can see lexa with a kid because she'd be the softest thing ever and i've been getting baby clexa feels for a while now and i need to do something with those feels. so yeah, if anyone is still reading, please let me know what you thought and i will probably go back to updating this fic regularly.


End file.
